Let go of the pen

I’ve always heard that God writes the best stories. I absolutely believe that this is true, but I’ve also tried to write the story myself by grabbing the pen (or at least trying to!) from His hands. When I graduated high school, I had my life planned out- who I was going to marry, college and my career. As I’ve written here before, everything came crashing down around me and suddenly, I found myself in a pile of broken dreams and ashes. I remember thinking that there was no way I would ever recover from this- life had completely changed and I wasn’t sure how to move forward. I remember a dear friend in college speaking some tough love to me: “His life is over but yours isn’t.” If I’m really honest, I never really asked God if this is what He wanted for me- I just assumed that this was it and He would bless it. I was literally trying to grab the pen from God’s hands. 

One of my life verses is Psalm 118:17: “I will not die but live and tell of what the Lord has done.” I can clearly remember where I was when I heard this verse and I’ve never been the same. It was my second semester of college and I was at a college Bible study. I don’t even remember what the lesson was about but just that this verse was shared. I remember reading it and for the first time in many months, feeling hope. I knew that God was writing the story but I couldn’t see it just yet.  Paul David Tripp writes in New Morning Mercies : “ You simply can’t debate it- God’s way is better than your way. His plan is infinitely better than any plan you would have for yourself.” 

There are moments when I look at my life and it takes my breath away when I think about the goodness and grace of God. My husband and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage in a few months and it’s a testament to simply letting go of the pen (you can ask some of my friends who knew me when I was single- I clung to that pen tightly!) This morning, I looked over and saw my 2 precious blessings piled up in the bed with me. It was the sweetest sight as I remembered the countless tears cried, prayers prayed and the waiting (oh, the waiting!). I remember seeing the potential adoption situations and trying my best to make it work- it was literally trying to put a square peg in a round hole. God had to wrestle the pen out of my hands. I couldn’t have written their stories even if I had tried. The ways that God moved were unbelievable. God’s plans are truly better than I could ever imagine. I just had to let go of the pen. 

Lighten the Load

Let’s face it- it seems like everyone around is tired. We’re all pushed in a thousand different directions, trying to keep it all together, balancing (is balance even possible??) and juggling plates- family, work, kids, finances, schedules, just life in general. 

I’m not the greatest at stress management and self care (social workers are the worst about this!) but I’m starting to recognize when I feel it rise. I can tell when my anxiety level and stress levels are high- my shoulders get tense and hurt. It’s like they physically hurt from carrying all of the things. Sometimes it feels like I’m the hamster in the wheel- it keeps spinning but I’m getting nowhere. 

I was reading Psalms last week when I was reminded (I need to be reminded a lot!) that I was never meant to carry the burdens and deal with it by myself. I’ve probably read this Psalm 68 a thousand times and I even have this next verse highlighted but it was like I was reading it for the very first time. “Praise be to the Lord, to God, our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. (emphasis mine) Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death. “ I don’t have to carry the burdens- at all. 

1. God carries our burdens daily.  The burdens are not going to go away. They may change but aren’t going to disappear completely. (John 16:33) 

2. We weren’t meant to bear them- we have a Burden Bearer-Jesus. I don’t think this needs any more explanation! 

3. We have to daily cast our burdens at the feet of Jesus.  1 Peter 5:17 tells us to “Cast all of your anxiety on Him for He cares for you.” This isn’t a suggestion or recommendation from God. It’s a command. His shoulders were big enough to carry the Cross and His shoulders are big enough to carry the weight of our burdens. 

4. Casting our burdens is a daily act of surrender.  It’s laying everything at the foot of the Cross and leaving it there. It’s realizing that He must become greater and we must become less. (John 3:30) 

So let’s lighten the load today- laying everything at Jesus’ feet. Our shoulders and hearts will thank us. 

At the Crossroads

I had no idea that it’s been since July since I blogged- time has gotten away from me and I think I’ve lost some weeks along the way.

Last week, I had an interesting experience (scary too) and I’m amazed at how God works- He does it every time. Our church is at a 4 way stop and it’s not uncommon for us to get knocks on the door from people that have broken down in front of the church. Last week, I was getting everyone ready for school and there was a frantic beating on the door- a woman was screaming that her boyfriend was chasing after her and going to harm her. I called the police and quickly realized that she was impaired and there was no one outside. The police arrived and confirmed it- no one was there and she was impaired. They left with her and that was that. We live in a very small area and everyone knows everyone (and is related to them!) I learned that the woman was deep into the pit of addiction. I did a little Facebook detective work and I was stunned when I realized who she was.

There is a dear family in our church who have become our second family. Their entire extended family has come together over the past few months to help another family member who got custody of their 3 grandchildren. These precious children have been coming to church since the spring , come to VBS and our children’s activities. I’ve seen the oldest one’s face light up as she got her first Bible (she’s the same age as my son) and the middle one be so excited when he learned that his name is a book of the Bible. They have been learning so much about Jesus and how He loves them.

I looked at her profile page and saw a picture of her and her children. I almost dropped my coffee cup. The woman who showed up at my door was the children’s mom! Before we learned who she was, my husband said “Better that she come to our house then end up in the ditch or on the side of the road. She’s someone’s daughter, maybe even someone’s mom.” When I looked at her picture, his words rang in my ears. We know her parents and she is someone’s daughter. We know her children and she is someone’s mom.

I don’t believe it was by accident that she ended up knocking on our door. She could have ran in 2 different directions that would have lead her onto dark roads, but instead she ran to the only place that had a light on and it just happened to be the same church where her children are learning about Jesus. I’m praying that this will be the first step to setting her free from addiction and into a new life of freedom.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

Be That Friend

I believe that God gives us exactly what we need in every area of our life. You’ve heard the saying “Find your tribe. Love them well.” I’ve seen this to be true in my own life with friendships. From the outside , my tribe probably looks like a hodgepodge of people thrown together. There’s my childhood best friend since age 12, my college best friend, the friend that “stole” me from her husband (we laugh about this but I’ve known her husband since we were 5 but she and I didn’t meet until a few years ago), the friend that I “randomly” met a ministry event 15 years ago because someone said that we just had to meet, there’s my mom friends and then those few friends that you wonder how you are even friends because nothing in your life looks the same. D is one of those friends- her mom was my college Sunday School teacher and she and I just connected. What I love about our friendship is that it is one that is truly God ordained and it is such a gift. Countless times during our adoption process, I would just send a quick text and just say “pray” and I knew that she would. For whatever reason, when I have a dream about her, this is God’s way of telling me that I need to pray for her. It’s crazy how many times that I’ll send her the “had a dream” text (it’s now become a running joke) and she’s told me later that the timing was perfect. Most of the time, I don’t even know what I’m praying for- and that’s okay- God knows. This weekend, I had a dream about her. Immediately when I woke up, I prayed for her and a specific request. I texted her and asked if there was anything specific to pray for. She replied that there was and I gasped when I saw her response: it was EXACTLY what I prayed for. I had no way of knowing about what she was facing. However, there was Someone who did: the Holy Spirit. I know without a shadow of a doubt that He prompted me to pray and revealed what I needed to pray.

We all need the kind of friend who is willing to pray for us no matter what, willing to walk with us through the good, the bad and the ugly. We also need to be that kind of friend. We need to be the friend who is willing to speak the truth, pray the unknown and just be there. So, who need you?

The Hidden Gift

My son is fascinated with hidden treasure and pirates. For Christmas, several gifts he got were these blocks of stone (plaster of paris) where he had to chip away at it to find hidden treasure. He would sit and chip away slowly sometimes, other times he would get in a hurry and smash it with the mallet. Some of the rocks and jewels would come out easily and others would be a little harder to get out, buried deep in the layers of the rock. Chip, chip, blow the dust off, hammer, hammer, blow the dust off, repeat. It took a little while but eventually the tiny treasures would be loose. He would dip them in the water to rinse off the dust and then they would shine.

I was reminded of a sometimes hidden treasure in our lives: joy. Sometimes, joy is easily found- usually when things are going pretty well or there are happy times. Other times, joy is often buried deep beneath the layers of hard times, grief, loss, questioning life’s circumstances. I’ve always struggled with anxiety but the past few months, it’s been a little stronger than usual. Besides the struggles of every day life, throw in a pandemic and being in the middle of an adoption in the middle of a pandemic- struggle bus! I came across Psalm 94:19 two different times in the same day and I honestly don’t think I had ever read it before or at least taken the time to let the words sink in.

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19. NIV

When I think of consoling someone, it’s usually after a pain or loss. To console someone means to bring great comfort. When you are consoling someone, you are physically with them. You are in their presence. Anxiety is often displayed by physical reactions: headache, racing heart, sweaty palms, racing thoughts, etc. All these things are within us. It can make you feel very alone and isolated. If we look at this verse and apply it to real life anxiety, we are not alone. Whenever we feel anxiety, God is right there with us. I am in His presence. His presence and comfort alone brings joy and calms my anxious heart and mind.

James 1: 2-3 NIV says “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Notice that it says “when you face trials”, not if. Trials of life can’t be avoided, no matter how hard we try to avoid them. I think the key is how prepared we are for when they come and how we respond when they do come. Pure joy comes only from God- from resting and trusting in His promises. You can’t buy it, you can’t conjure it up, you can’t create it. You have to dig deep to find it. You have to chip away at the rock, knocking off big and little pieces. It means taking the time to let God sweep off the dust, and polish the treasure that lies beneath the layers of pain and trials. The treasure that is found becomes one of the greatest gifts: true joy.

Joy is a gift. It’s a gift that comes in different packaging, It’s also a treasure to be found. Treasure that is often buried beneath layers of pain, one that we may have to look closely to find because it’s buried in the ashes of broken dreams. We have to choose to receive the hidden gift that is joy- choosing to rejoice, even if it’s finding joy in the dark.

God Isn't Mean

I’m going to be honest- I’ve been in a season lately where God just felt (key word: felt) mean. This adoption journey has just been so hard and filled with a lot of unknowns. We’ve presented our profile to expectant mothers at least a dozen times (I’ve actually lost count of how many!) and at least a dozen times, we’ve heard “no.” There were a few situations where it really felt like this could be our yes. It’s really hard not to get your hopes up with each situation, playing it out in your mind and already loving the child attached to the situation. With every no, it felt like God was dangling the desires of our heart right in front of us, only to jerk it away as quickly as it came. Bitterness starts to set in and the doubts become constant companions.

I was talking to a friend the other day about this and she said something to me that I know was from the Holy Spirit. She said, “Have you ever thought about every no not being a denial, but rather God protecting your hearts?” I could literally hear the chains of the lies that I had believed pop off my heart and the scales fall of my eyes. Suddenly, I realized that God wasn’t being mean- He was being a good Father and protecting His children. I remember thanking God for His protection after our adoption scam- it could have been so much worse than it was. As the months passed on, I forgot about this. All I could focus on was the “no” and how God was just being mean. With adoption, anything can happen and it’s often at the last minute and unexpected. God can see the entire picture, while I can only see the snapshot.

Here’s truth to counter the lie that God is being mean when we hear no:

• God’s plans are for our good. Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not harm you, plans for your hope and future.” God gave these words to the children of Israel before they were exiled to Babylon. Even though they were going to be in exile for 70 years, God still had plans for them- despite the hardship they faced. It’s the same with us.

• God works all things out for our good. (Romans 8:28) One of my favorite names for God is Redeemer. He has redeemed my sin, my shame, my brokenness by sending Jesus to die on the cross for my sin. God wastes nothing- no experience, no pain, no trial- it all points us to back to Him.

• God doesn’t withhold any good thing. Psalm 84:11: “For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.” I truly believe that God has our best interests at heart. He knows exactly what we need (what we want to, but definitely need!)

• God gives good gifts to His children. James 1:17-'“ Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. God isn’t going to give us anything that isn’t good for us- that isn’t something we need or that will not be a blessing to us. He delights in the gift giving- think about the greatest Gift of all that He gave us through Jesus.

• His ways are not our ways. Isaiah 55:8: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”declares the Lord.” I have clung to this promise throughout this journey. There are some things that we will never understand this side of heaven, but God is sovereign.

I’m so thankful for a God who loves me enough to only give me the very best, what He knows I truly need- not what I think I want. He’s not being mean, He’s just being a good Father.

The God Who Goes Before Me

I’m not sure what week (I think it’s week 8?) or what day (maybe 1,575??) we are on this quarantine. It’s been an interesting season for sure. I know that no one expected to be in this season but I certainly didn’t expect to be in the middle of our adoption and a global pandemic at the same time. Emotions are already running high and are all over the place but adoption has another layer of emotions.

We’ve presented our profile book to expectant mothers three times since the quarantine. The waiting to hear back is brutal. The first two situations were full of emotions because if we were chosen, both situations would have required travel fairly quickly and were right at the beginning of everything shutting down. We presented most recently last week. For the last one, the baby wasn’t due until the end of August. As we waited to hear back from this situation, we did a lot of praying. Praying for the expectant mama, for her baby and above all, for God’s will to be done. I can’t explain it other than God but we had such peace about this situation- probably more than ever before with any other one we’ve seen.

Thursday was just a HARD day. I had hit the wall emotionally with the quarantine, trying to homeschool, work, my husband was working extra hours that week plus waiting to hear if we had been chosen or not. Thursday afternoon, my son and I were having meltdowns- we couldn’t find the remote to the tv or the tablet, he was tired and I was emotionally exhausted. He fell asleep and I just cried- no real reason why, just the weight of everything.

I kept thinking about the amount of peace that I had felt that week about this situation. I turned to read John 16:33 where Jesus was talking to His disciples: “ I have you told these things so that in Me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world.” I then read John 14:27: “My peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.” There was such comfort in the words of Jesus. Peace not as the world understands or gives, but a deep peace that surpasses all understanding. (Phil 4:7)

A few minutes later, I checked my email to see if our consultant had heard anything from the attorney. There was an email from her saying that another family had been chosen. Tears flowed and flowed. However, there was that unmistakeable peace that had been there all week. Then it hit me: God had gone before me, preparing the way. You see, He was the one that gave our hearts such a tremendous amount of peace in the days leading up to this. The Holy Spirit lead me to turn to those words in John just a few minutes earlier. Yes, there was a raw feeling of emotion but God’s kindness and care was so tangible in that moment- I could feel His kindness and love. He knew exactly what was going to happen with the outcome so He went before me, preparing the way with the peace that only He could give. He knew that I would need to read those verses about peace and I would need peace so He began planting the seeds of peace ahead of time.

Deuteronomy 31:8 says “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Again, the kindness of the Lord. I didn’t have to be afraid or discouraged (even though there was disappointment.) I’m so thankful for the God who goes before me. So whatever road you’re on, no matter how long or painful it is, remember that you aren’t walking a path where God has not already walked before you.

Waiting

I’ve really got to get better at using this little space of mine- this is one of my goals while we’re on COVID-19 quarantine. School is out until mid April so I’m working from home and “home schooling” my kindergartner- I have such a great appreciation for teachers and those who homeschool!

Waiting seems to be the common theme in our life today. Waiting for the curve to flatten, waiting until life resumes some sense of normalcy (I have a feeling that this is going to give a new definition of normal), waiting for the next thing. Waiting often comes with a weight- usually we’re waiting for a burden to be lifted. Honestly, it seems like the past few years has been filled with waiting for my family- waiting to move, waiting on jobs, waiting on the adoption.

As much as I don’t like to wait, I think there are some lessons to be learned in the season of waiting.

1. We are commanded to wait on the Lord. In fact, the phrase “wait on the Lord” is mentioned in the Bible at least 40 times!! If something is important to know, it’s usually repeated. It’s how things are learned- by repetition. Psalm 27:13-14 (NIV) I remain confident in this, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

2. We aren’t to be weak in our waiting. What I mean by this is that while we are waiting, we are to find our strength from the Lord and nothing else. That’s the only way that we can make it in the waiting. God will give us the strength to endure the “weight of the waiting”. (Isaiah 40:29)

3. Waiting isn’t passive. Just because God is calling us to wait, it doesn’t mean that we’re off the hook for doing anything.

4. God still requires action from us while we wait.

   We are to pray without ceasing. (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

   We are to rejoice. Rejoice in times of suffering, times of joy. (1 Thessalonians 5:16, James 1:2-3)

   We are to remain faithful. (Hebrews 11: 6) Our waiting is just for a season. Now, some seasons may be longer than others, but just like summer in the South doesn’t last forever, seasons end.

5. God meets our needs in the waiting, even when we become weary. (Jeremiah 31:25, Isaiah 40: 29-31) He gives strength when we need it the most.

I don’t know what season of waiting you’re in, but just know that you aren’t alone in the season and it won’t last forever. Don’t waste the waiting- I promise there’s a lot that God wants to teach us!

Don't Walk Alone

I had no idea it’s been since July since I’ve posted! It’s been quite the change with school starting and my little one in kindergarten. I’ve had lots of blog post ideas but it’s been hard to get them out because of time and honestly, it’s just been a hard season.

We’re in the adoption process for baby #2 and this journey has been a long one that seems filled with one delay or setback after another. You name it, it’s happened. Despite the delays, God has proven Himself faithful time and time again. The most recent setback came with updating our homestudy. We found that we wouldn’t be able to use the same social worker who did our update and it would require switching to a different agency. It’s a long story but we ended up having to start entirely over with our new agency, which includes more expense and delays us being able to present to any potential adoption situations until everything is current. Last week was not a good week but God reminded me of how He speaks to us through other believers and our circumstances.

My husband and I have some dear friends, E and A, who have also adopted. A little backstory on how God ordains friendships. Nearly 10 years ago, I spoke at a church about adoption and foster care. E and A were there that Sunday. Fast forward a few years later and I’m attending church with my now husband and we end up in the same Sunday School class as E and A. She remembered hearing me speak years earlier. They were so supportive of our adoption journey and little did we know that at the time God was working in their hearts about adoption. We brought our son home and then 2 years later, they bring home their precious little boy. A and I have walked through some of the highest of highs and lowest of lows together with adoption.

I was talking with her last week about all that had been happening with our adoption. Well, talking and I was mostly crying. She was silent for a minute and then she said, “ I remember sitting across from someone in Starbucks when I had hit the wall with our adoption. She looked at me and told me that it was quite possible that our baby had not even been conceived yet and that God’s timing is perfect. I didn’t want to hear that at all but it was spoken from a place of great love and truth. So I’m turning the table and speaking those words to you. Maybe your baby isn’t even conceived yet.” I choked back the tears as I vividly remember that night at Starbucks. I was in awe that God would use the words that I spoke to someone to later comfort me.

I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 1: 3-7 (NIV): Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

God never wastes a hurt. He is the ultimate Comforter. He comforts us so that we can share the comfort that we’ve experience with others who need it. A and I had both experienced deep heartache and suffering. However we weren’t alone in our suffering. Not only was God with us in our pain, but He gave us the gift of each other. We were both able to help each other because one of us had walked aside the other and vice versa. I was able to give her hope because I had experienced first hand God moving mountains and seen how perfect His timing was. She was able to give me the same hope because she had walked the same road. We were never meant to walk life alone.

Nothing But the Blood

I love it when Scripture comes alive and you see things all of sudden click. I had a moment like this last week and it reminded me of how easily we make things more complicated than they have to be because we try so hard to understand it through our flawed human eyes. The revelation was so simple that I wanted to laugh but then was so thankful at how God designed things. 

Before Jesus’ death on the cross, a blood sacrifice was required for the forgiveness of sin. There were some very specific requirements of the sacrifice: pure, no blemish, first born, etc. A few years ago my husband and I traveled to Asia for a mission trip. At the beginning of our week, the pastor and church members slaughtered a goat as a way of welcoming us and this would be used for our meals for the rest of the week. I remember the pastor explaining the purpose of a sacrifice and the truth of Isaiah 53:7 suddenly became alive like never before: 

“He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before its shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth.” (NIV)

As I was reading last week about Jesus and His ultimate sacrifice on the cross, I began to realize the importance of blood in our lives- physical and spiritual. Our body needs blood to survive. Every cell, every organ, every bodily function depends on our bodies having enough blood supply. If a serious injury occurs and too much blood is lost, death is certain. Our bodies simply have to have it to survive. Having blood flowing through our veins proves that we are alive. 

Just like our physical lives depend on blood, our spiritual lives depend on blood as well. Hebrews 9:22 (NIV) says: “In fact, the law requires that nearly everything be cleansed with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” For the forgiveness of sin, there has to be a sacrifice. Leviticus 17:11 (NIV) says: “It is the blood that makes atonement for one’s life.” Our sins are washed as white as snow because of Jesus’ blood. Our sins are forgiven and we are made whole by His stripes. (Isaiah 53:5). Because of the blood that Jesus shed, no other sacrifice is required for salvation or forgiveness of sins. The blood covers it all. 

I love the words of the old hymn “Nothing But the Blood.

”What can wash away my sin?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus;

What can make me whole again?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Oh! precious is the flow

That makes me white as snow;

No other fount I know,

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

For my pardon, this I see,

Nothing but the blood of Jesus;

For my cleansing this my plea,

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYjhGeAIG6k

15 years

I was talking to my best friend from graduate school earlier this week and we realized that it was 15 years ago this summer that we walked across that stage with our Master’s in social work (MSW not MRS degree- we had both thought we would have been married at that time!) and jumped into the real world. I remember never being so glad to get a piece of paper in my life and didn’t care to read another book or write another paper ever.

I always knew I wanted to be a social worker and my call to ministry at age 17 confirmed that but I had no idea what that would look like. I knew that social work was a piece of that calling and I attempted to go to seminary after college but God made it very clear that was not part of His plan. I went to LSU and got my MSW, unsure of what to do next. Shortly after that, I packed up my bags and moved 200 miles away from home, not having any idea what the next 5, much less 15 years would look like. I took my first job at a state hospital in Monroe, LA and immediately wondered what I had gotten myself into- I was so green and naive! Because it was working for the state, I couldn’t share my faith openly with my patients. While working at the hospital, I began tutoring for the Louisiana Baptist Children’s Home. I tutored a little boy in 5th grade math, which is funny because if you know me, math is not my strong point at all. I soon learned that there was an opening for a social worker position and immediately applied. A few months later, I left the hospital and began working at the children’s home. It was truly my dream job- as a child, my church supported the children’s home and I always wanted to work there one day.

Looking back, I think I had this picture of ministry in my mind and it had to look a certain way. LBCH quickly changed that picture and I realized that ministry is real life, dealing with people and messy things, all while pointing to Jesus. I worked with children who had experienced trauma and often suffered because of poor choices of other people. I was able to do all kind of different things there and it ultimately led to finding my “sweet spot” in social work: adoption and foster care. I traveled overseas twice to help with orphanage work and got to be a part of the groundbreaking for a new ministry in Haiti. I stayed there for 12 years- so hard to leave because I literally grew up in that job: bought a house, met and married my husband, became a mom. I never expected to stay so long and it was so hard to leave but when you’re married to a pastor, you go where God says “Go.” (even if it means living in the middle of nowhere with cows for neighbors!)

Ministry looks different in every situation and in every season. It’s sitting on the floor of my office, singing “Jesus Loves Me” to a sweet little girl who had never heard those words and suffered physical abuse at the hands of her mother. It’s talking to an adoptive mother at 10pm reassuring her that their new baby boy was safe at the hospital and no one could just come take him. It’s sitting all day at the hospital with a foster parent as their foster child underwent major brain surgery. It’s sitting in a courtroom for four hours praying that God would reveal truth and the judge would make the right decision for an adoption. (and boy did He do a miracle that day!) It’s having an open couch so that teachers can just breathe and talk. It’s so many different things. It’s spending the afternoon crafting with a friend, just talking about life.

I have often asked myself “Is it worth it? You can go somewhere else and make way more money.” I certainly don’t do this for the money and God truly called me to it so I have to trust that He will provide. It isn’t about the money, the letters behind your name, the title or position. It’s about loving people right where they are and right where you are. So here’s to another 15 years!

The God Who Sees

At the core of every human being is the need to be seen, to be fully known, valued and loved. We seek to have this need fulfilled by human standards. This can often lead to a vicious and unhealthy cycle and poor choices. We look for it in marriage, friendships, dating relationships, the pursuit of success, etc. The truth is that only God can truly fill this need (I absolutely believe that He can use marriage and relationships to show Himself to us but only He can truly meet the need and fill the void.) 

There’s someone else who had the same core need to be seen and known- Hagar. A brief background on Hagar: she was the Hebrew slave girl that Sarah gave to Abraham in Sarah’s attempt to bear Abraham a child. (Genesis  16 ). Hagar became pregnant and despised Sarah. Sarah blamed Abraham and Abraham told Sarah to handle the situation. Sarah mistreated Hagar and Hagar fled. Hagar soon found herself wandering in the desert- alone, tired and pregnant. The only thing she found was a spring of water . The Lord sent an angel to find Hagar and the angel spoke to Hagar about the child she was carrying.  God found Hagar in the desert- He saw truly saw her: her heart, her need, who she was. Genesis 16:13 -14(NIV) says “She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: You are the God who sees me for she said “I have now seen the One who sees me.” That is why the well was called Beer Lahai Roi..” Beer Lahai Roi means “well of the Living One who sees me.” From this we get the Hebrew name for God- El Roi: the God who sees. 

Life is hard, even when things may be going good. Maybe I should rephrase that and say living life is hard. Living the life that God has called us to live daily. I often find myself asking God , “Do you really see me? Do you really know me?” Deep down, I know that He does but sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. Recently, God reminded me that He really does see me. It came through people who probably didn’t even realize the impact and significance of a small gesture. One was a text message from a friend that just said that she was thinking about me and missed me. Another was a Facebook message from another friend sharing with me something that God had laid on her heart to tell me- it could not have come at a better time and the words were exactly what I needed to hear. Then I got a text message from a friend wanting to meet for coffee. These were simple yet tangible reminders to me that God does see me- He knows me, knows my heart and knows the things that I don’t even know about myself- after all, He created me. The artist always knows their creation. 

I don’t know where you are today. You could be like Hagar and are on your own journey through the wilderness- a journey that may include loneliness, suffering and pain. You could be like me- living everyday life but needing a little reminder of God’s love for you. No matter where you are or what you are facing, trust that God is “El Roi” and that He sees you. 

The Enough Trap

The Enough Trap

This is one of the blog posts that has been rolling around in my head for a while but I wasn’t sure exactly how to write it, explain it, etc. However, the topic has come up in blog posts, pod casts, social media, etc so I figured that was the Holy Spirit’s way of gently nudging me to write it. 

Enough. Such a tiny little word but one holds so much impact in our lives, especially as women. Webster defines the word enough as “adequate, for the want or need, sufficient for the purpose or desire.” Let’s face it- we are bombarded on a daily basis with the reminders that we are not enough, we don’t have enough, and our inadequacies because we don’t have it all. 

The feelings of not being enough are not lost on me- it’s a constant battle. And if I’m honest, most days I don’t feel that I am enough. “Am I enough as a wife? Enough as a mom? Enough in my job, even when I don’t know what I’m doing??” Enough of what??

At the beginning of the year, I attended a women’s conference by myself (highly recommend doing this- it was a great way to recharge!) and I heard one of the speakers talk about this exact topic.  Lisa Seaton https://www.cityfirst.church/contributors/lisa-seaton/) talked about how because of God, we have everything that we need to live the abundant life. As she talked about this, the phrase “the enough trap” came to mind. It was a like the blinders came off and I could see clearly- the idea of being enough is a trap. It’s a trap that the enemy uses to keep us from living the life that God called us to live. The trap steals our joy, is the gateway to comparison (which is the thief of joy!) and paralyzes us into believing the lies that the enemy whispers into our ears. 

One verse that she used was 2 Peter 1:3 (NIV) “ His divine power has given us everything that we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” Everything. Nothing more and nothing less. I think sometimes we forget that if we are believers in Christ, we have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of us. The Spirit enables us to live the abundant life in Christ. 

The truth is: we will never be enough. We are human, we live in a fallen world and it’s a constant battle against the flesh. John 15: 5 says (NIV) says: “I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me, you can do nothing.” When we strive to fit into a completely unrealistic mold of being enough, we are not fully depending on the Lord. Instead, we’re relying on our own strength, our own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6) and our selves. And we fail every.single.time. 

So how do we get out of the “enough trap”? 

1. Recognize that we are human and without Jesus, we are nothing. ( see John 15:5)

2. Look at your measuring stick. What are you using to measure “being enough?” We all know that most of what people post on social media are just the highlight reels and not real life. Check your social media feeds- who you’re following, what posts you read, etc. If it’s leading you into the enough trap, turn around. Unfollow them, hide the posts, whatever you need to do. Comparison is the thief of joy.

3. Have an attitude of gratitude.   The antidote to comparison is gratitude. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 tells us to “give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” It says in all things and not for all things. It’s hard to be thankful in the middle of trials and hard stuff, but that’s what we’re commanded to do.

4. Ask God to change your heart. This is something that only God can do and it really is the key to getting out of the enough trap. I know I struggle with really being honest with God because part of me is like “He knows my heart, He knows it all anyway.” This is true but God desires for us to be in relationship with Him and an important part of any relationship is communication. 

   There’s a worship song that I first heard in college and it’s still one of my favorites. It’s called “Enough” by Chris Tomlin. 

Here’s the first verse: 

All of You is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need, You satisfy me with Your love. And all I have in You is more than enough.

So let’s remember that in Him, we have all that we need. He is enough. 

Lessons in Friendship

I’m a relationship person. I guess it’s the Ennegram 2 in me- but I love building relationships and connecting with people. I have a lot of a people that I would consider to be friends but honestly, I have a very small tight circle of people that I consider to be close friends. These are “my people”- the ones that get me, the ones that I can go to for prayer and the ones that aren’t afraid to speak the truth in love. We all need those people in our lives. 

One of my favorite Bible stories as a child (and still is today!) was the story of the friends that brought their friend to Jesus by lowering him through the roof. I’m not really sure why it stuck with me, maybe because it seemed so strange that the men were climbing on the roof. This story paints an excellent picture of true friendship. 

Mark 2: 1-5: “A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. They gathered in such large numbers that there was no room left, not even outside the door and he preached the word to them. Some men came and brought to him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”  (NIV)

There’s a lot that we don’t know regarding the backstory of the man and what led his friends to do what they did. How long had the man been paralyzed? What was going through the friends’ minds as they thought about how they could get their friend to Jesus? 

Here are some things that we do know: 

The friends saw that their friend was in need. His condition was not hidden to them. They saw a need and wanted to help their friend. 

They knew who to go to help their friend. It’s obvious that the friends had heard about Jesus and knew what He could do for their friend. It’s also pretty likely that they had witnessed Jesus minister to others and heard him teach. There’s nothing worse when you have a friend in need and you have absolutely no idea how to help them or even where to begin. 

They were willing to take a risk to help their friend. Jesus was teaching in a building or home that did not belong to him or the friends. I can only imagine what the friends were thinking as they tore the roof off of a building that did not belong to them. I’m sure the owner of the building was wondering what in the world was happening. Sometimes, we have to step out of our comfort zones to help our friends. I’m in no way saying that you should put yourself in danger- be smart and safe. However, there are times that it is risky to help our friends. What if we offend them? What if they don’t want to listen to what we have to say? We can’t worry about that. If God is calling us to help our friend, then we have to put fear and emotions aside and trust Him with the outcome. 

They were willing to get their hands dirty. Let’s face it- life is messy. Friendships are messy. Sometimes, we have to get a little dirt on our hands when it comes to our relationships. It’s real life. The homes back in that day were different than what we’re used to and the roof was made of mud bricks- hardened clay. I can picture in my head the friends using their hands to pry open the roof to bring their friend to Jesus. The dirt breaking apart, their hands and nails covered with dirt and grime. 

I’ve had situations where I’ve been like the friends. Friends that have faced hardships and challenges where they truly need a friend to step in and fight with them. I’ve also been like the paralyzed man- I needed the help of my friends. Not that my friends could do anything to physically help change the situation, but I needed friends that would walk with me through the pain and difficult circumstances. The friends that prayed for me when I didn’t know what to pray or truly did not have the emotional energy to open my mouth to pray. 

My husband and I are in the adoption process for the second time and this journey has been a rough one. A few months ago, we were victims of an adoption scam. Thankfully, we were able to recognize what was really going on early in the process but that did not change the heartbreak we were experiencing. I can remember going to church right after we found out everything. At the time, we had only told a few people about the potential match but were unsure of what to tell people now. I was in our ladies class that morning and I tried to act like everything was fine. I couldn’t hold it together any longer and shared what had happened. At the invitation time during the service, a dear friend walked all the way across the church, grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the altar. She began to pray for me but also prayed over me. I’ve been prayed for before but something about this was different. I later described to my husband that it was like my head had a lid on it and her words were going in straight to my heart. Her words were sinking deep into my broken heart and it was like balm for a wound. I don’t remember all that she prayed but I just know it was something very different. She was willing to bring me to the feet of Jesus when I was too weak to bring myself. She “tore off the roof” and carried me to Jesus. That is radical friendship. May we be like those friends and not be afraid to meet the needs of our friends. 

Victim or Victorious?

I’ve been loving being able to have this little space to write (although haven’t written near as much as I want to- hello summer break!). God is constantly flooding my mind with things to write about on here- I need to start carrying a notebook. I’m not really sure what brought this topic to mind, but it came so I’m going with it.

I’m a social worker and the majority of my job is spent working with people who are in some sort of crisis or have experienced one. Almost all of them have been victims in some way, shape or form- whether it be a crime, abuse, emotional situations. I’ve noticed a pattern recently with people that are in my various circles: they seem to be “stuck” in victim mode. The therapeutic term would be victim mentality or mindset- believing that once they’re a victim, they’re always a victim. They get stuck in this vicious cycle of blame, guilt and shame that repeats itself constantly.

I understand that things happen to us that cause us a lot of pain and hurt. It’s easy to become jaded and cynical- to think that the world is not a safe place and everyone is out to hurt us. As I was thinking about this, I began to look at how God looks at us and at our circumstances.

1. We are more than a product or victim of our circumstances. Yes, bad things happen. Yes, we are hurt and bitter. I guarantee you that when God looks at you, He’s not looking at you through the eyes of your circumstances. Instead, He’s looking at you through the lens of grace and love. He’s looking at you through the lens of a Father who dearly loves his children and created them for a purpose. Psalm 139: 13-14: “For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

2. Our past does not define us. We don’t have to live in the past. If we are believers, then we are made new. “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here.” 2 Corinthians 5:17. Learn the lessons from the past and move forward with the knowledge of what you’ve learned. Don’t sit and wallow in it.

3. We have freedom in Christ. Freedom! Not only freedom from sin, but freedom from guilt. We can walk in that freedom. 2 Corinthians 3:17 says “Now the Lord is the Spirit and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” As I read this verse, I was struck by something and I had to go back and read it a few more times. I’ve probably read this verse hundreds of times but didn’t see this until now. Because we have the Holy Spirit living in us , we have freedom.” IN US! This is the very same power that rose Christ from the grave sets us free. The freedom that comes from Christ alone- there aren’t enough words to describe how that freedom changes our everything.

   Because of this freedom, because of what Christ did for us on the cross- we no longer have to be victims. We can be victorious.

All that they need

For as long as I could remember, all I wanted to be was a wife and a mom. I had other dreams too but these two topped the list. The paths to both of these dreams were not easy.

I didn’t get married until I was 31. By that time, I had decided I was going to get married when I was 80 or become a Baptist nun. Becoming a mom was not an easy road either. Infertility stamped itself in my story very early in our marriage. We began the adoption process in January 2014 and our son arrived in May 2014- 2 days before my birthday! I can remember when we arrived at my parents’ house from the hospital- I looked at my mom and said “They let us leave the hospital with a baby. What in the world are we doing?” I spent the first year of motherhood questioning what in the world I was doing (and not realizing at the time that I was struggling with post adoption depression- there is a such thing!)

I clearly remember my first Mother’s day. M was weeks away from turning 1 and we had survived the first year. We were at the beach with my parents and I was laying in the bed, crying because I was so grateful for this little boy but feeling so overwhelmed with the responsibility of shaping him for the next 18 years. I’m not sure exactly what I prayed but I felt the Lord whisper to my heart, “Just point him to Jesus.” Simple but powerful words. That’s our jobs as moms.

I’m sure that I’m not alone in feeling overwhelmed at the task of motherhood. Today’s society doesn’t help things either- so many things are put in front of us as the “right way” to do this parenthood thing. Read this book, buy this gadget, try this method. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve bought into it a few times. It allows for comparison to sneak in, which is the ultimate thief of joy and gratitude. I have some friends who are amazing birthday party planners for their children- just the thought of it makes me anxious. For me, the simpler the better. I have other friends who always seem to be having these fun adventures with their children. For us, an adventure is a fishing trip or a walk in the yard going on an adventure. None of these things are wrong- it’s different for everyone.

There are days when I don’t feel like I’m enough as a mom. I feel guilty because I work all day and then when I get home, there’s more stuff to be done. I feel like I don’t spend enough time teaching him things- even though he’s learning tons in preschool. There’s always the urge to do more with our kids, to be more. The reality is that God has given us all that we need to parent the children that He gave us. He is enough for us. His grace is sufficient for us in our weakness- which includes temper tantrums, potty training, diaper explosions and sleepless nights. (2 Corinthians 12:9) All of it. As moms, we are what they need. Let’s not forget that.

Hope

Almost 8 years ago, I got a tattoo. I was turning 30, still single and for the first time in that season, really enjoying and living in it. I wanted something to mark that milestone but also to remind me of God’s faithfulness in my life. I chose the word “hope". The design was simple but to me it signified the thread of hope that God had woven throughout my life.

Recently, I came across a scripture about hope and it really got my wheels turning. Romans 4 talks a lot about Abraham and his faith as he waited God’s promises to be fulfilled. I came across a passage that I had probably read a hundred times before but this time, it stirred something deep inside me.

“Against ALL (emphasis mine) hope, Abraham , in hope, believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “Your offspring be.” Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead since he was about 100 years old and Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet, he did not waiver through unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what He promised.” Romans 4:18-21 (NIV)

Abraham had both faith and hope. The definition of faith is complete trust in God. The definition of hope is to desire something with confident expectation of it’s fulfillment. The first part of the verse says that “against all hope, Abraham in hope believed.” Against all hope might as well be translated to against human odds and standards. Many times, our circumstances feel hopeless. No way out, no solution. Abraham believed with hope that God would fulfill the promise.

Abraham never weakened in his faith or waiver through unbelief. He had a choice- trust God or not. Trusting in God actually strengthened his faith. One thing that stood out to me in this passage was that it described Abraham “as good as dead” and Sarah’s womb as dead. “Good as dead” means that something might as well be dead, it’s old or doesn’t work anymore- but there was still a slim chance it could. What struck me was that Sarah’s womb was described as dead. No chance of carrying life. Talk about truly trusting that God could bring life from something that was dead.

While studying this passage, something else struck me. Faith (trust in God) leads to hope (confidence that God will keep His promises). You can’t have hope if you don’t have faith. It made sense to me now why in 1 Corinthians 13 the “love chapter” that says these three remain, faith is listed first. Faith is the foundation for trust, the foundation for hope. Faith and hope go hand in hand.

There are so many situations where all hope seems lost. I heard a quote from someone who went through hospice care with her family members: “As long as there is breath, there is hope.” As believers, the Holy Spirit is inside of us- the air we breathe. Hope is in us. Hebrews 6:19 says that "…we have this hope as anchor.” This anchor of hope is a promise of God’s faithfulness. As the hymn “My Hope is Built on Nothing Less” says, “My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness. “

Legacy

For as long as i can remember, I’ve always loved to help people. I knew I wanted to be a social worker when I entered high school. I can also remember telling my guidance counselor that I wanted a career that involved the least amount of math and science (God laughed- I ended up having to take science major biology and human anatomy- but I survived!) There were a few times in college that I thought about changing my major, but there was nothing else that I could see myself doing. Being in a helping profession is certainly a calling and takes a lot of faith for God to provide- you certainly don’t choose it for the money.

I had my life planned out for when I graduated college. I was not one of those “ring by spring” girls- although I sure thought I would be. I was very involved in the BCM (Baptist Collegiate Ministries). It played such a huge role in my life and shaping my faith while I was in college. It helped prepare me for ministry today. I made some life long friends and have so many wonderful memories. I thought for sure that I would meet my husband in college at the BCM- nope. Now don’t get me wrong, I made some great guy friends there. I used to think if only I could take qualities from different ones and put them all together in one guy, I’d be set. :)

I had many “Ebenezer” or remembrance moments while in BCM. One stands out in particular. It was the last worship service of my spring senior semester. Our BCM president, Joe, preached the sermon that night. He was talking about priorities. He said that something that I can still hear in my head to this day. “God should not be a priority but the page that we write our priorities on.” As the band played, those words rolled around in my head. I heard the Lord speak to my heart (not audibly but one of the few times that it was so clear He was speaking to me.) “Fifty years from now, it’s not going to matter who you marry or how many letters you have behind your name. All that matters is how you lived your life for me.” Tears flowed as I realized that it’s not always easy to give God the pen much less the paper to write the story. It didn’t matter that I wouldn’t get married until nearly 10 years later or that I had a master’s degree and letters behind my name. What would matter is how I lived my life for the Lord in between those things happening and in the days to come.

Story behind the Verse

When thinking about this blog-my vision, heart behind it- I wanted a verse that would capture it all. I came back to a verse that I have clung to (sometimes for dear life!) since I was a freshman in college in 1999. Psalm 118:17: “I will not die, but live and tell of what the Lord has done.”

Tragedy brought me to this verse, but I’m thankful for the journey that it took me on (and continues to do) - even though it took a VERY long time to get to the thankfulness part. Here’s the condensed version(because it’s really long and it includes a lot of things that are extremely personal but if you know me in real life, you’ve probably heard the story.)

During my first semester of college, I lost someone who was a very important part of my life in a freak work accident. Life as I planned changed forever with one phone call and all I was left with were the pieces of my shattered dreams. I don’t really remember much of the days and weeks afterwards, except that they were painful, raw and hard. This was my first real experience with grief. The grief and pain were intense- I could best describe as feeling like the air had been sucked out of the room. I hurt in a such way that I didn’t think was possible . Well meaning (but poor choice and bad timing) words by people meant to comfort me instead made me angry. I was hurting and I wanted everyone around me to feel half as bad as I did- just so they would know. Anger and bitterness came in and began to take up permanent residence in my heart. Then one day, it was like the fog had lifted and I had a moment of clarity. I could choose to be bitter about this or I could allow God to make be better from it.

One Wednesday night that semester, I had gone to a college Bible study at a local church. I don’t even remember what the lesson was on but that was the night that I read Psalm 118:17 for the very first time. It was balm to my broken heart. For the first time in months, I had hope. Hope that I was not going to live in grief forever and that even though the grief and pain were almost unbearable at times, the Lord was with me and He was going to redeem this somehow.

That verse became my anthem as I moved forward in life. It is still my anthem today, nearly 20 years later. It has carried me through some of my darkest times. “ I will not die but live and tell of what the Lord has done” was tattooed on my heart. There were times when I questioned what God was doing, where the good was in all this (Romans 8:28) and how He would redeem this.

It took a really long time to come to a place of acceptance but I learned that God is so much bigger than my shattered dreams. He met me in my brokenness and ashes but refused to leave me there. Music always speaks to me and I tend to think “musically”- I can always relate to songs. “Heal the Wound” by Point of Grace reminds me of God’s faithfulness to me during this time (and even now). One particular line stands out to me:

“But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem, heal the wound but leave the scar.”

I’m so thankful that God does not waste one single thing that happens in our lives. ONE SINGLE THING. The good, the bad and the really ugly- nothing is wasted. He will use our circumstances to refine us, to shape us, to mold us to look more like Him. We just have to let him.

Of Grace and Beads

I’ve learned that marriage and parenting are holy sandpaper- they reveal the good and the bad parts of our hearts, sand away the rough edges and bad spots, and shape us to be more like Christ. Recently, I had one of these “holy sandpaper” moments.

A few years ago, my husband and son gave me a beautiful bracelet for Christmas. It was handmade from Nepal and was a perfect combination of wood and beads. It’s my favorite bracelet because it came from World Vision and it was the first present that I got as a mommy. My little boy knows that it’s my favorite and he calls it my “special bracelet.”

A few weeks ago, I was in the back of the house and M was watching television. A few minutes later, he comes running to the door, crying hard. All I could make out was “your special bracelet..I broke it.” I went into the kitchen, expecting to find a huge mess of tiny beads. Instead, I saw a small pile of beads and one heartbroken little boy. His first words were “Are you mad at me?” In that moment, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t be mad. His little face and broken heart said enough for me. I scooped him up, held him close and told him that it was an accident. He tried to explain to me what happened. I then realized that I had left the bracelet on the counter. I told him that it was an accident and Mommy made a mistake for leaving it on the counter. He knew right where it went in my jewelry cabinet and he took it to the cabinet. I told him repeatedly that he was more important to me than a piece of jewelry. We then made a game of cleaning up the beads.

Immediately when I got eye level with him, I had a mental picture of grace and how much the Father loves His children. I could almost hear God whisper to my heart “See, this how much I love you- arms open wide.” When I could have been angry, my first response was to comfort him. How many times have I given my heavenly Father reasons to be mad at me, furious even? He doesn’t yell or point out my mistakes. Instead, He holds me close, wipes my tears and then tells me how much He loves me. I’m not saying that He overlooks sin, but He doesn’t heap coals of condemnation. Instead, He gives grace- not getting what we deserve. He sent Jesus to pay the price of our sin. “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works so that no one can boast.” Ephesians 2:5 (NIV)

After we had cleaned everything up, M wanted me to cut off the broken string on the bracelet. I couldn’t do it. Now every time I wear my special bracelet, I have a tangible reminder of God’s grace and love towards me.