Let go of the pen

I’ve always heard that God writes the best stories. I absolutely believe that this is true, but I’ve also tried to write the story myself by grabbing the pen (or at least trying to!) from His hands. When I graduated high school, I had my life planned out- who I was going to marry, college and my career. As I’ve written here before, everything came crashing down around me and suddenly, I found myself in a pile of broken dreams and ashes. I remember thinking that there was no way I would ever recover from this- life had completely changed and I wasn’t sure how to move forward. I remember a dear friend in college speaking some tough love to me: “His life is over but yours isn’t.” If I’m really honest, I never really asked God if this is what He wanted for me- I just assumed that this was it and He would bless it. I was literally trying to grab the pen from God’s hands. 

One of my life verses is Psalm 118:17: “I will not die but live and tell of what the Lord has done.” I can clearly remember where I was when I heard this verse and I’ve never been the same. It was my second semester of college and I was at a college Bible study. I don’t even remember what the lesson was about but just that this verse was shared. I remember reading it and for the first time in many months, feeling hope. I knew that God was writing the story but I couldn’t see it just yet.  Paul David Tripp writes in New Morning Mercies : “ You simply can’t debate it- God’s way is better than your way. His plan is infinitely better than any plan you would have for yourself.” 

There are moments when I look at my life and it takes my breath away when I think about the goodness and grace of God. My husband and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage in a few months and it’s a testament to simply letting go of the pen (you can ask some of my friends who knew me when I was single- I clung to that pen tightly!) This morning, I looked over and saw my 2 precious blessings piled up in the bed with me. It was the sweetest sight as I remembered the countless tears cried, prayers prayed and the waiting (oh, the waiting!). I remember seeing the potential adoption situations and trying my best to make it work- it was literally trying to put a square peg in a round hole. God had to wrestle the pen out of my hands. I couldn’t have written their stories even if I had tried. The ways that God moved were unbelievable. God’s plans are truly better than I could ever imagine. I just had to let go of the pen. 

Lighten the Load

Let’s face it- it seems like everyone around is tired. We’re all pushed in a thousand different directions, trying to keep it all together, balancing (is balance even possible??) and juggling plates- family, work, kids, finances, schedules, just life in general. 

I’m not the greatest at stress management and self care (social workers are the worst about this!) but I’m starting to recognize when I feel it rise. I can tell when my anxiety level and stress levels are high- my shoulders get tense and hurt. It’s like they physically hurt from carrying all of the things. Sometimes it feels like I’m the hamster in the wheel- it keeps spinning but I’m getting nowhere. 

I was reading Psalms last week when I was reminded (I need to be reminded a lot!) that I was never meant to carry the burdens and deal with it by myself. I’ve probably read this Psalm 68 a thousand times and I even have this next verse highlighted but it was like I was reading it for the very first time. “Praise be to the Lord, to God, our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. (emphasis mine) Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death. “ I don’t have to carry the burdens- at all. 

1. God carries our burdens daily.  The burdens are not going to go away. They may change but aren’t going to disappear completely. (John 16:33) 

2. We weren’t meant to bear them- we have a Burden Bearer-Jesus. I don’t think this needs any more explanation! 

3. We have to daily cast our burdens at the feet of Jesus.  1 Peter 5:17 tells us to “Cast all of your anxiety on Him for He cares for you.” This isn’t a suggestion or recommendation from God. It’s a command. His shoulders were big enough to carry the Cross and His shoulders are big enough to carry the weight of our burdens. 

4. Casting our burdens is a daily act of surrender.  It’s laying everything at the foot of the Cross and leaving it there. It’s realizing that He must become greater and we must become less. (John 3:30) 

So let’s lighten the load today- laying everything at Jesus’ feet. Our shoulders and hearts will thank us. 

It's Not My Job

Children are the best theologians and teachers. They don’t complicate things or water them down and they often get straight to the point on things. While I’m constantly learning new things, I feel like lately God has been using my children as teachers- teaching more about His character and who He is. 

Recently, my son and I went to a birthday party at a laser tag place. The building is full of bright lights, noise and of course, video games. I told him ahead of time that I didn’t have any change so we weren’t going to be able to play any games. As we were leaving, he was drawn to the lights and the video games. Again, he asked if I had brought any change and I told him no. He was obviously upset and frustrated. As we were leaving, he was telling me that I should remember to bring money next time and that he really wanted to play the games. The following conversation then happened: 

M:”I really wanted to play the games. I’m not happy right now.” 

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s not my job to make you happy.” 

M: “It is your job- you’re my parent!!”

Me: “I am your parent but it isn’t my job to make you happy. Happiness is a choice.” 

I was preaching to myself at that moment! How many times have I told God that very same statement: “It’s your job to make me happy.”? Maybe not those exact words but definitely with that meaning. How many times do we pray for things that we just know will make us happy? A new job, a bigger house, more income, more time, etc. We think that if we have everything that we ask for, we’ll  be happy. However, what happens when those prayers don’t get answered? Are we happy? Nope. We’re frustrated, confused and certainly not happy because we didn’t get what we thought we wanted. Key phrase: wanted. Many times, we want things that we may not need. 

God will give us exactly what we need to accomplish His will for our lives. (Phillipians 4:19) A lot of times God meets needs that we didn’t even know that we had. He wants good for us- in fact, He wants the best for us. Psalm 84:11 says “For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does He withhold  from those whose walk is blameless.” (emphasis mine) It’s not God’s job to make us happy. He is continually conforming us to be more like Him- it’s definitely a work in progress. However, He’s not going to stop giving us what we need to accomplish that. 

What's in a Name?

I’ve been encouraged by several people to actually blog more and to share lessons from our adoption journey. I promise that this blog won’t be completely about adoption but so many faith lessons that can be applied to multiple situations were learned through adoption.

I wanted to share the meaning and story behind our daughter’s name. I’ve loved the name from the moment that I heard it but how God displayed Himself through it is unbelievable. As soon as we started to trying to build our family, we had a girl name picked out. We had assumed that our first child would be a girl so imagine our surprise when we got the call about our son! We quickly chose the name Matthew, “gift from God”, which is fitting because we brought him home on my birthday.

Alora Kay was the name that we had in our hearts for nearly 9 years. During our infertility journey, I had a really rough day and took a nap on the couch. I had a dream of a little blonde headed girl on a swing wearing a hot pink puffer jacket. It was so vivid that it was almost real. A few weeks later, I actually found the jacket in a store and bought it. I decided to look up the meaning of Alora and it’s African for “my dream.” Put it together with my middle name (and mom’s middle name) and you get “My dream rejoices.” The fact that it is an African name is so special because shortly after my husband and I met, I went to Rwanda for 10 days. We communicated ALOT during that time because there was no way I wasn’t going to talk to him after just meeting (needless to say, the phone bill was expensive that month!)

When we found out that we were matched and it was a girl, we immediately knew what her name would be. When talking with the attorney, we learned that Kay was a family name for her birth family. After the mad dash to the hospital, we walked into the nursery to meet the little girl who would soon be our daughter. She was a tiny little thing with blonde hair. The next day, my husband and I were sitting in the NICU and he looked over at me and said, “You do realize that she has blonde hair? The dream of the little girl on the swing??” I was stunned. Things happened so fast with our match and her birth that I honestly had not even thought about that. We later learned that Alora also means “the Lord is my Light. “ We couldn’t have picked a more perfect name.

I was beginning to think that the dream of having a little girl (or even a second child) was never going to be a reality. I had forgotten about the dream, but He didn’t. I was losing hope but He saw the bigger picture. Yes, the dream came true but every time I look at our beautiful blonde headed miracle, I see God’s promise fulfilled and one of the most tangible evidence of His faithfulness.

Walking the Path

I’m pretty sure that my son is part ninja. Almost every night at some point, he ends up in our bed. Most times, it’s a surprise to us because we don’t hear him enter our room or hear him climb into the bed. The first few times my husband and I were baffled as to how he did it. His bedroom is on the opposite side of the house so he has to make his way through the living room, kitchen and hallway to our bedroom and climb into our bed- IN THE DARK. (well except for the tv screen light.) One night, I caught him in action as he pulled himself up on the bed, crawled over me and then curled up in the middle (legs and elbows poking me the whole time!) I’m amazed at this because he’s created a little path and he knows the way, even in the dark and in his sleep.

I asked him the other day why he kept getting into our bed and he said “I was scared and I felt safe.” He knew the way to safety, to a place where he was loved. I have a clinical background in trauma and working with children from the “hard places.” A term that we talk about often is “felt safety.” It’s one thing for a child to know that they are safe: they have food, clothing, shelter, etc but an entirely different thing for them to feel safe. I saw this first hand with children who entered foster care. I worked at an emergency home and the first night and days there were rough. I would always make a point to get on their level and tell them that they had a roof over their head, food on the table, clean sheets, that someone would be here when they go to bed and when they wake up, and they were safe here. Yes, it was important that they heard it but they needed to feel it. Many times they learned to feel it by seeing it. They needed to see where they would eat, sleep, etc.

As I thought about my son’s response to my question, I realized that I’m just like him. How many times do I feel my way through the dark, trying to find my way to the safest place I can be- the arms of my Heavenly Father? So many times, I get lost. I can’t see past the circumstances that cloud my view, I get turned around because I’m listening to the wrong voices who try to give me directions, and I feel overwhelmed. There are many times when it feels like I’m walking in the dark. I keep walking the same path because I know where it leads.

Here’s the thing: I know where the path leads me or more importantly to Who. I’ve got a lamp to lead the way. (Psalm 119:105) I keep following the path to Jesus because not only do I know I’m safe but I feel safe. I know that our feelings can often lead us astray and aren’t 100% reliable, but feeling safe in the arms of Jesus is one thing that I know to be true.

I don’t know where you are today, but keep walking the path to Jesus, even if you have to walk it in the dark.

Run to the Father

Don't Walk Alone

I had no idea it’s been since July since I’ve posted! It’s been quite the change with school starting and my little one in kindergarten. I’ve had lots of blog post ideas but it’s been hard to get them out because of time and honestly, it’s just been a hard season.

We’re in the adoption process for baby #2 and this journey has been a long one that seems filled with one delay or setback after another. You name it, it’s happened. Despite the delays, God has proven Himself faithful time and time again. The most recent setback came with updating our homestudy. We found that we wouldn’t be able to use the same social worker who did our update and it would require switching to a different agency. It’s a long story but we ended up having to start entirely over with our new agency, which includes more expense and delays us being able to present to any potential adoption situations until everything is current. Last week was not a good week but God reminded me of how He speaks to us through other believers and our circumstances.

My husband and I have some dear friends, E and A, who have also adopted. A little backstory on how God ordains friendships. Nearly 10 years ago, I spoke at a church about adoption and foster care. E and A were there that Sunday. Fast forward a few years later and I’m attending church with my now husband and we end up in the same Sunday School class as E and A. She remembered hearing me speak years earlier. They were so supportive of our adoption journey and little did we know that at the time God was working in their hearts about adoption. We brought our son home and then 2 years later, they bring home their precious little boy. A and I have walked through some of the highest of highs and lowest of lows together with adoption.

I was talking with her last week about all that had been happening with our adoption. Well, talking and I was mostly crying. She was silent for a minute and then she said, “ I remember sitting across from someone in Starbucks when I had hit the wall with our adoption. She looked at me and told me that it was quite possible that our baby had not even been conceived yet and that God’s timing is perfect. I didn’t want to hear that at all but it was spoken from a place of great love and truth. So I’m turning the table and speaking those words to you. Maybe your baby isn’t even conceived yet.” I choked back the tears as I vividly remember that night at Starbucks. I was in awe that God would use the words that I spoke to someone to later comfort me.

I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 1: 3-7 (NIV): Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

God never wastes a hurt. He is the ultimate Comforter. He comforts us so that we can share the comfort that we’ve experience with others who need it. A and I had both experienced deep heartache and suffering. However we weren’t alone in our suffering. Not only was God with us in our pain, but He gave us the gift of each other. We were both able to help each other because one of us had walked aside the other and vice versa. I was able to give her hope because I had experienced first hand God moving mountains and seen how perfect His timing was. She was able to give me the same hope because she had walked the same road. We were never meant to walk life alone.

The Enough Trap

The Enough Trap

This is one of the blog posts that has been rolling around in my head for a while but I wasn’t sure exactly how to write it, explain it, etc. However, the topic has come up in blog posts, pod casts, social media, etc so I figured that was the Holy Spirit’s way of gently nudging me to write it. 

Enough. Such a tiny little word but one holds so much impact in our lives, especially as women. Webster defines the word enough as “adequate, for the want or need, sufficient for the purpose or desire.” Let’s face it- we are bombarded on a daily basis with the reminders that we are not enough, we don’t have enough, and our inadequacies because we don’t have it all. 

The feelings of not being enough are not lost on me- it’s a constant battle. And if I’m honest, most days I don’t feel that I am enough. “Am I enough as a wife? Enough as a mom? Enough in my job, even when I don’t know what I’m doing??” Enough of what??

At the beginning of the year, I attended a women’s conference by myself (highly recommend doing this- it was a great way to recharge!) and I heard one of the speakers talk about this exact topic.  Lisa Seaton https://www.cityfirst.church/contributors/lisa-seaton/) talked about how because of God, we have everything that we need to live the abundant life. As she talked about this, the phrase “the enough trap” came to mind. It was a like the blinders came off and I could see clearly- the idea of being enough is a trap. It’s a trap that the enemy uses to keep us from living the life that God called us to live. The trap steals our joy, is the gateway to comparison (which is the thief of joy!) and paralyzes us into believing the lies that the enemy whispers into our ears. 

One verse that she used was 2 Peter 1:3 (NIV) “ His divine power has given us everything that we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” Everything. Nothing more and nothing less. I think sometimes we forget that if we are believers in Christ, we have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of us. The Spirit enables us to live the abundant life in Christ. 

The truth is: we will never be enough. We are human, we live in a fallen world and it’s a constant battle against the flesh. John 15: 5 says (NIV) says: “I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me, you can do nothing.” When we strive to fit into a completely unrealistic mold of being enough, we are not fully depending on the Lord. Instead, we’re relying on our own strength, our own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6) and our selves. And we fail every.single.time. 

So how do we get out of the “enough trap”? 

1. Recognize that we are human and without Jesus, we are nothing. ( see John 15:5)

2. Look at your measuring stick. What are you using to measure “being enough?” We all know that most of what people post on social media are just the highlight reels and not real life. Check your social media feeds- who you’re following, what posts you read, etc. If it’s leading you into the enough trap, turn around. Unfollow them, hide the posts, whatever you need to do. Comparison is the thief of joy.

3. Have an attitude of gratitude.   The antidote to comparison is gratitude. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 tells us to “give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” It says in all things and not for all things. It’s hard to be thankful in the middle of trials and hard stuff, but that’s what we’re commanded to do.

4. Ask God to change your heart. This is something that only God can do and it really is the key to getting out of the enough trap. I know I struggle with really being honest with God because part of me is like “He knows my heart, He knows it all anyway.” This is true but God desires for us to be in relationship with Him and an important part of any relationship is communication. 

   There’s a worship song that I first heard in college and it’s still one of my favorites. It’s called “Enough” by Chris Tomlin. 

Here’s the first verse: 

All of You is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need, You satisfy me with Your love. And all I have in You is more than enough.

So let’s remember that in Him, we have all that we need. He is enough. 

All that they need

For as long as I could remember, all I wanted to be was a wife and a mom. I had other dreams too but these two topped the list. The paths to both of these dreams were not easy.

I didn’t get married until I was 31. By that time, I had decided I was going to get married when I was 80 or become a Baptist nun. Becoming a mom was not an easy road either. Infertility stamped itself in my story very early in our marriage. We began the adoption process in January 2014 and our son arrived in May 2014- 2 days before my birthday! I can remember when we arrived at my parents’ house from the hospital- I looked at my mom and said “They let us leave the hospital with a baby. What in the world are we doing?” I spent the first year of motherhood questioning what in the world I was doing (and not realizing at the time that I was struggling with post adoption depression- there is a such thing!)

I clearly remember my first Mother’s day. M was weeks away from turning 1 and we had survived the first year. We were at the beach with my parents and I was laying in the bed, crying because I was so grateful for this little boy but feeling so overwhelmed with the responsibility of shaping him for the next 18 years. I’m not sure exactly what I prayed but I felt the Lord whisper to my heart, “Just point him to Jesus.” Simple but powerful words. That’s our jobs as moms.

I’m sure that I’m not alone in feeling overwhelmed at the task of motherhood. Today’s society doesn’t help things either- so many things are put in front of us as the “right way” to do this parenthood thing. Read this book, buy this gadget, try this method. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve bought into it a few times. It allows for comparison to sneak in, which is the ultimate thief of joy and gratitude. I have some friends who are amazing birthday party planners for their children- just the thought of it makes me anxious. For me, the simpler the better. I have other friends who always seem to be having these fun adventures with their children. For us, an adventure is a fishing trip or a walk in the yard going on an adventure. None of these things are wrong- it’s different for everyone.

There are days when I don’t feel like I’m enough as a mom. I feel guilty because I work all day and then when I get home, there’s more stuff to be done. I feel like I don’t spend enough time teaching him things- even though he’s learning tons in preschool. There’s always the urge to do more with our kids, to be more. The reality is that God has given us all that we need to parent the children that He gave us. He is enough for us. His grace is sufficient for us in our weakness- which includes temper tantrums, potty training, diaper explosions and sleepless nights. (2 Corinthians 12:9) All of it. As moms, we are what they need. Let’s not forget that.

Of Grace and Beads

I’ve learned that marriage and parenting are holy sandpaper- they reveal the good and the bad parts of our hearts, sand away the rough edges and bad spots, and shape us to be more like Christ. Recently, I had one of these “holy sandpaper” moments.

A few years ago, my husband and son gave me a beautiful bracelet for Christmas. It was handmade from Nepal and was a perfect combination of wood and beads. It’s my favorite bracelet because it came from World Vision and it was the first present that I got as a mommy. My little boy knows that it’s my favorite and he calls it my “special bracelet.”

A few weeks ago, I was in the back of the house and M was watching television. A few minutes later, he comes running to the door, crying hard. All I could make out was “your special bracelet..I broke it.” I went into the kitchen, expecting to find a huge mess of tiny beads. Instead, I saw a small pile of beads and one heartbroken little boy. His first words were “Are you mad at me?” In that moment, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t be mad. His little face and broken heart said enough for me. I scooped him up, held him close and told him that it was an accident. He tried to explain to me what happened. I then realized that I had left the bracelet on the counter. I told him that it was an accident and Mommy made a mistake for leaving it on the counter. He knew right where it went in my jewelry cabinet and he took it to the cabinet. I told him repeatedly that he was more important to me than a piece of jewelry. We then made a game of cleaning up the beads.

Immediately when I got eye level with him, I had a mental picture of grace and how much the Father loves His children. I could almost hear God whisper to my heart “See, this how much I love you- arms open wide.” When I could have been angry, my first response was to comfort him. How many times have I given my heavenly Father reasons to be mad at me, furious even? He doesn’t yell or point out my mistakes. Instead, He holds me close, wipes my tears and then tells me how much He loves me. I’m not saying that He overlooks sin, but He doesn’t heap coals of condemnation. Instead, He gives grace- not getting what we deserve. He sent Jesus to pay the price of our sin. “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works so that no one can boast.” Ephesians 2:5 (NIV)

After we had cleaned everything up, M wanted me to cut off the broken string on the bracelet. I couldn’t do it. Now every time I wear my special bracelet, I have a tangible reminder of God’s grace and love towards me.

On Being Obedient

Nearly 10 years ago, I began blogging as a way of documenting the lessons that God was teaching me in the season of singleness. I love to look back at it and see how God answered all those prayers in ways that only He could and the lessons that I learned. I took a blogging break after meeting and marrying my wonderful husband. I picked up blogging again as we journeyed through infertility, adoption and becoming parents- we became parents with 12 hours notice! When our son was about 4 months old, my husband and I went through a really long and difficult season that lasted about 3 years- one that we’re finally out of and into a new one. I stopped blogging and writing- partly because I had a case of “mommy brain” and that my true feelings and emotions were so raw that it was best not to display them on the world wide web.

I waited a really long time to be a wife and a mom- a road that wasn’t easy but one that I wouldn’t trade for the world. Somewhere along the way, I “lost” my sense of self- my days were spent loving and meeting the needs of my people and with my job- the needs of others. I’ve heard that this is common with moms. I needed something that was for me, but also brought me joy. I read somewhere that if you’ve forgotten your passions, you should reflect on the things of your childhood and what brought you joy, what interested in you, etc. As I look back, for me those things were writing and books. I devoured books constantly but thanks to college and graduate school, I didn’t care if I ever read another book. I would fill notebooks with stories. I have journaled off and on throughout the years and I still love a pretty journal or notebook (just ask my husband! Target does not help this addiction at all!) I also love to speak to groups. Through my job as an adoption social worker, I spoke to churches and various groups about foster care, adoption, orphan care and how they can be involved. Looking back, I see how God was using all of those things to move me into this next season.

About a two yeas ago, the Lord began to nudge me (well, more like a gentle shove!) about telling my story. Really telling it- the good, the bad and the ugly. I didn't do anything with it at first- I came up with every excuse in the book. "No one wants to hear it, I don't have anything to say, I'm not sure how to do it." It wouldn't go away. In fact, it got stronger. I took some baby steps towards that calling but didn’t really pursue it fully. Finally, I took the plunge and here I am. Here’s what I’ve learned: delayed obedience is still disobedience. God has given me a voice, a story to tell. One that points to Him, that points others to Him. So here's the first step in being obedient- telling my story. I don't have a set format for this site/blog and I’m learning as I go- but I do know this: it will tell the story that God is writing day by day and encourage others to do the same. So here’s to new seasons and being obedient.