He is Faithful

My husband and I will celebrate the big 10 (2 whole hands as my son would say!) years of being married this week. It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long even though it feels like a lifetime of living has been packed into 10 short years. 3 moves, 3 churches, ministry highs and lows, infertility and 2 miracles through adoption have all been part of the adventure. I can look back and see God’s faithfulness through it all. I can especially see His faithfulness in the journey leading to marriage.

I remember the day very clearly- it was early December 2010. One of my closest friends had just gotten engaged to a guy that she met when we were on a single’s retreat. I was thrilled for them both because their story was just amazing. At the same time, I was sad. “A” was my LAST friend that was single- we did everything together and and she was a big part of my life. I was the only one who wasn’t married- again. I was sitting on the floor in my bedroom, crying my eyes out to the Lord, as I was just so confused. I was genuinely happy for them both but I couldn’t help but feel like I was going to be single forever. Over the past 3 years, God had truly done a work in my heart and life about being content and living my life now instead of waiting for marriage. I was praying when the dam just broke. “You’ve done so much in my life, but I don’t know what else needs to happen. WHERE IS HE???” - one of the few times that I can remember just yelling out to God. I will never forget what happened next. This peace just washed over me and I heard the Lord whisper to my heart (and it truly felt like it was an audible voice.) “ What if he’s not ready yet? Just give me 6 months.” I told Him that I had no idea what 6 months meant- would I meet someone in 6 months? Be engaged in 6 months? I just knew that I had heard from Him but I wasn’t going to spend the next 6 months thinking that every guy that crossed my path was the one.

I spent the next 6 months just living my life as the big 30 quickly approached. I got a tattoo, and was planning mission trips to Rwanda and Brazil. Sometimes towards the end of April, I was talking to my best friend about being single and just being over dating. She asked me if I had tried online dating and I just laughed at her. I had done it before and let’s just say that it wasn’t for me. She strongly persuaded me to give it just one more try on a site that I hadn’t used before. I told her that I would give it a month- if I met someone, great. If not, I was done with it.

I signed up and created my profile. When I saw this one particular profile, I was intrigued. I had to click “yes, no or maybe” to get more profiles. I had only been on it 3 days so I had no idea what clicking yes meant, but I liked what I saw plus I wanted to see more profiles. I clicked yes and then a day later, I got a message that would change everything. There’s a lot of details in between communicating and actually meeting. Our first date lasted 6 hours! I had always heard people say that “when you know, you know” and I thought that was the dumbest thing ever. After 2 or 3 dates, I had to eat my words!!

We both knew pretty quickly that we wanted to get married. As the months passed by, I lost track of time. One day, I was talking to my friend and I asked her when she got engaged and she told me that it was December. It hit me and I quickly counted the months- December, January, February, March, April, MAY. 6 MONTHS to the day that the Lord had whispered that promise to me- I had met my husband! We were engaged in March 2012 and married 6 months later.

The way that God wrote our story still blows my mind sometimes. At the same time I was in my 3 year “wilderness” time of God working on my heart, my husband was in the middle of his own journey. We both weren’t ready yet. I had no idea at just how much God was working behind the scenes. He was weaving threads of faithfulness that would hold everything together.

Let go of the pen

I’ve always heard that God writes the best stories. I absolutely believe that this is true, but I’ve also tried to write the story myself by grabbing the pen (or at least trying to!) from His hands. When I graduated high school, I had my life planned out- who I was going to marry, college and my career. As I’ve written here before, everything came crashing down around me and suddenly, I found myself in a pile of broken dreams and ashes. I remember thinking that there was no way I would ever recover from this- life had completely changed and I wasn’t sure how to move forward. I remember a dear friend in college speaking some tough love to me: “His life is over but yours isn’t.” If I’m really honest, I never really asked God if this is what He wanted for me- I just assumed that this was it and He would bless it. I was literally trying to grab the pen from God’s hands. 

One of my life verses is Psalm 118:17: “I will not die but live and tell of what the Lord has done.” I can clearly remember where I was when I heard this verse and I’ve never been the same. It was my second semester of college and I was at a college Bible study. I don’t even remember what the lesson was about but just that this verse was shared. I remember reading it and for the first time in many months, feeling hope. I knew that God was writing the story but I couldn’t see it just yet.  Paul David Tripp writes in New Morning Mercies : “ You simply can’t debate it- God’s way is better than your way. His plan is infinitely better than any plan you would have for yourself.” 

There are moments when I look at my life and it takes my breath away when I think about the goodness and grace of God. My husband and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage in a few months and it’s a testament to simply letting go of the pen (you can ask some of my friends who knew me when I was single- I clung to that pen tightly!) This morning, I looked over and saw my 2 precious blessings piled up in the bed with me. It was the sweetest sight as I remembered the countless tears cried, prayers prayed and the waiting (oh, the waiting!). I remember seeing the potential adoption situations and trying my best to make it work- it was literally trying to put a square peg in a round hole. God had to wrestle the pen out of my hands. I couldn’t have written their stories even if I had tried. The ways that God moved were unbelievable. God’s plans are truly better than I could ever imagine. I just had to let go of the pen.