When thinking about this blog-my vision, heart behind it- I wanted a verse that would capture it all. I came back to a verse that I have clung to (sometimes for dear life!) since I was a freshman in college in 1999. Psalm 118:17: “I will not die, but live and tell of what the Lord has done.”
Tragedy brought me to this verse, but I’m thankful for the journey that it took me on (and continues to do) - even though it took a VERY long time to get to the thankfulness part. Here’s the condensed version(because it’s really long and it includes a lot of things that are extremely personal but if you know me in real life, you’ve probably heard the story.)
During my first semester of college, I lost someone who was a very important part of my life in a freak work accident. Life as I planned changed forever with one phone call and all I was left with were the pieces of my shattered dreams. I don’t really remember much of the days and weeks afterwards, except that they were painful, raw and hard. This was my first real experience with grief. The grief and pain were intense- I could best describe as feeling like the air had been sucked out of the room. I hurt in a such way that I didn’t think was possible . Well meaning (but poor choice and bad timing) words by people meant to comfort me instead made me angry. I was hurting and I wanted everyone around me to feel half as bad as I did- just so they would know. Anger and bitterness came in and began to take up permanent residence in my heart. Then one day, it was like the fog had lifted and I had a moment of clarity. I could choose to be bitter about this or I could allow God to make be better from it.
One Wednesday night that semester, I had gone to a college Bible study at a local church. I don’t even remember what the lesson was on but that was the night that I read Psalm 118:17 for the very first time. It was balm to my broken heart. For the first time in months, I had hope. Hope that I was not going to live in grief forever and that even though the grief and pain were almost unbearable at times, the Lord was with me and He was going to redeem this somehow.
That verse became my anthem as I moved forward in life. It is still my anthem today, nearly 20 years later. It has carried me through some of my darkest times. “ I will not die but live and tell of what the Lord has done” was tattooed on my heart. There were times when I questioned what God was doing, where the good was in all this (Romans 8:28) and how He would redeem this.
It took a really long time to come to a place of acceptance but I learned that God is so much bigger than my shattered dreams. He met me in my brokenness and ashes but refused to leave me there. Music always speaks to me and I tend to think “musically”- I can always relate to songs. “Heal the Wound” by Point of Grace reminds me of God’s faithfulness to me during this time (and even now). One particular line stands out to me:
“But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem, heal the wound but leave the scar.”
I’m so thankful that God does not waste one single thing that happens in our lives. ONE SINGLE THING. The good, the bad and the really ugly- nothing is wasted. He will use our circumstances to refine us, to shape us, to mold us to look more like Him. We just have to let him.