I've Got You

My daughter is obsessed with animals, especially our cats. Poor Chester and Henry- they just roll right along with her tugging them around, holding them, and her version of “playing”- which they probably don’t think of as playing. Recently, I heard my daughter say “It’s okay. I’ve got you. Don’t be scared. I’m right here.” I looked over and she was holding Chester and talking to him. It took me a minute for it to register but she was saying those words because she had heard me say them to her a thousand times. She’s not the greatest sleeper and she would often wake up in the middle of the night. I would pick her up and the first thing that I would say to her is that she’s safe and then say “I’ve got you. Mama is right here.” As I held her, I could hear her breathing slow down and she would drift off to sleep. She knew my voice, knew I was there and knew that she was safe. She was able to repeat those words because she knew what being safe felt like.

As I was observing her talking to the cat, I was reminded of our Heavenly Father. How many times does He speak those same words over us? “I’ve got you. Don’t be scared. How many times do we truly believe those words? We know them to be true but to actually feel their truth displayed in our lives. I think it’s because we’re too busy to stop, come to Him and listen.

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 NIV.

What are you watering?

I can count on one hand the number of times that my husband has bought me flowers. He says that you can't really enjoy them because they die so quickly after you get them. Instead, he plants me flowers. It all started with our engagement- he planted a rosebush at my house. Ever since then, for my birthday and mother's day, I get a new rose bush or hibiscus. He's even gotten our children involved in picking the flowers out and helping him plant them. 

He plants them but it's my job to water them. They are beautiful but after some time, the weeds grow up around them and some of them die. Recently, we were outside one evening and I was doing my watering job. My husband looked at me with this strange look on his face and asked "Why are you watering a dead plant??" I just looked at him with an equally strange look and just shrugged my shoulders. The plant was grown up with weeds and it was clearly dead. It was next to some plants that were still blooming so I just watered everything at one time. 

I got to thinking about watering a dead plant and how we often "water" things that are dead or that serve no purpose. By watering, I mean that we make every effort to keep something alive that serves no purpose. It could be that dream or idea that sounds really good to you but that God has clearly said no. It could be that habit or hangup that is not serving you any purpose at all but that you are clearly trying to keep it alive. Maybe it's the relationship that you need to let go of but you're doing everything you can to keep it alive. 

Ecclesiastes 3 talks about the timing and seasons of life. Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 (NIV) says "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot." What are you watering today?

Parenting Against the Current

I unintentionally took a very LONG blog break but really do want to be more intentional about writing here. The Lord keeps reminding me that there are more stories to be told.

Recently, my son came home from school complaining that he “was the only one in his entire class” who didn’t have a particular electronic device. I had to laugh at the dramatics but I do remember being his age when it felt like everyone else was doing something or had something that I wanted. I told him that I was pretty sure that he wasn’t the only one who didn’t have this and that there would be a lot of things that his friends would have that he wouldn’t and vice versa. My husband and I explained to him that the addition of this particular device wouldn’t be beneficial to our family, that it would take away time from doing the things that we enjoyed doing as a family and it would be another distraction to fight against.

Parenting doesn’t come with an instruction book. Today, it’s even more challenging to parent in a digital age. I was reading in Joshua 24 about choosing who we serve. Joshua 24: 14-15 (ESV) 14 “Now therefore fear the Lord and serve him in sincerity and in faithfulness. Put away the gods that your fathers served beyond the River and in Egypt, and serve the Lord. 15 And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” I was struck by these words. The Israelites were in the Promised Land but they were still faced with a choice of how they would live.

I wrote these words in my Bible as I read the passage: “As for me and my family, we will worship the Lord. It’s about standing up, standing firm, and often going against the flow, the current culture and society- of what is current, acceptable and even expected. It’s about proclaiming the the Truth, denying ourselves and following the Lord. Our family will look different at times and that’s okay. I’m not raising world followers, but world changers and Jesus followers. Choose for ourselves today, each day has a choice: to go against the current and go upstream or just go with the flow.”

Each day is a choice in how we live, how we spend our time, who we serve. Let’s start swimming against the current.

He is Faithful

My husband and I will celebrate the big 10 (2 whole hands as my son would say!) years of being married this week. It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long even though it feels like a lifetime of living has been packed into 10 short years. 3 moves, 3 churches, ministry highs and lows, infertility and 2 miracles through adoption have all been part of the adventure. I can look back and see God’s faithfulness through it all. I can especially see His faithfulness in the journey leading to marriage.

I remember the day very clearly- it was early December 2010. One of my closest friends had just gotten engaged to a guy that she met when we were on a single’s retreat. I was thrilled for them both because their story was just amazing. At the same time, I was sad. “A” was my LAST friend that was single- we did everything together and and she was a big part of my life. I was the only one who wasn’t married- again. I was sitting on the floor in my bedroom, crying my eyes out to the Lord, as I was just so confused. I was genuinely happy for them both but I couldn’t help but feel like I was going to be single forever. Over the past 3 years, God had truly done a work in my heart and life about being content and living my life now instead of waiting for marriage. I was praying when the dam just broke. “You’ve done so much in my life, but I don’t know what else needs to happen. WHERE IS HE???” - one of the few times that I can remember just yelling out to God. I will never forget what happened next. This peace just washed over me and I heard the Lord whisper to my heart (and it truly felt like it was an audible voice.) “ What if he’s not ready yet? Just give me 6 months.” I told Him that I had no idea what 6 months meant- would I meet someone in 6 months? Be engaged in 6 months? I just knew that I had heard from Him but I wasn’t going to spend the next 6 months thinking that every guy that crossed my path was the one.

I spent the next 6 months just living my life as the big 30 quickly approached. I got a tattoo, and was planning mission trips to Rwanda and Brazil. Sometimes towards the end of April, I was talking to my best friend about being single and just being over dating. She asked me if I had tried online dating and I just laughed at her. I had done it before and let’s just say that it wasn’t for me. She strongly persuaded me to give it just one more try on a site that I hadn’t used before. I told her that I would give it a month- if I met someone, great. If not, I was done with it.

I signed up and created my profile. When I saw this one particular profile, I was intrigued. I had to click “yes, no or maybe” to get more profiles. I had only been on it 3 days so I had no idea what clicking yes meant, but I liked what I saw plus I wanted to see more profiles. I clicked yes and then a day later, I got a message that would change everything. There’s a lot of details in between communicating and actually meeting. Our first date lasted 6 hours! I had always heard people say that “when you know, you know” and I thought that was the dumbest thing ever. After 2 or 3 dates, I had to eat my words!!

We both knew pretty quickly that we wanted to get married. As the months passed by, I lost track of time. One day, I was talking to my friend and I asked her when she got engaged and she told me that it was December. It hit me and I quickly counted the months- December, January, February, March, April, MAY. 6 MONTHS to the day that the Lord had whispered that promise to me- I had met my husband! We were engaged in March 2012 and married 6 months later.

The way that God wrote our story still blows my mind sometimes. At the same time I was in my 3 year “wilderness” time of God working on my heart, my husband was in the middle of his own journey. We both weren’t ready yet. I had no idea at just how much God was working behind the scenes. He was weaving threads of faithfulness that would hold everything together.

Let go of the pen

I’ve always heard that God writes the best stories. I absolutely believe that this is true, but I’ve also tried to write the story myself by grabbing the pen (or at least trying to!) from His hands. When I graduated high school, I had my life planned out- who I was going to marry, college and my career. As I’ve written here before, everything came crashing down around me and suddenly, I found myself in a pile of broken dreams and ashes. I remember thinking that there was no way I would ever recover from this- life had completely changed and I wasn’t sure how to move forward. I remember a dear friend in college speaking some tough love to me: “His life is over but yours isn’t.” If I’m really honest, I never really asked God if this is what He wanted for me- I just assumed that this was it and He would bless it. I was literally trying to grab the pen from God’s hands. 

One of my life verses is Psalm 118:17: “I will not die but live and tell of what the Lord has done.” I can clearly remember where I was when I heard this verse and I’ve never been the same. It was my second semester of college and I was at a college Bible study. I don’t even remember what the lesson was about but just that this verse was shared. I remember reading it and for the first time in many months, feeling hope. I knew that God was writing the story but I couldn’t see it just yet.  Paul David Tripp writes in New Morning Mercies : “ You simply can’t debate it- God’s way is better than your way. His plan is infinitely better than any plan you would have for yourself.” 

There are moments when I look at my life and it takes my breath away when I think about the goodness and grace of God. My husband and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage in a few months and it’s a testament to simply letting go of the pen (you can ask some of my friends who knew me when I was single- I clung to that pen tightly!) This morning, I looked over and saw my 2 precious blessings piled up in the bed with me. It was the sweetest sight as I remembered the countless tears cried, prayers prayed and the waiting (oh, the waiting!). I remember seeing the potential adoption situations and trying my best to make it work- it was literally trying to put a square peg in a round hole. God had to wrestle the pen out of my hands. I couldn’t have written their stories even if I had tried. The ways that God moved were unbelievable. God’s plans are truly better than I could ever imagine. I just had to let go of the pen. 

Lighten the Load

Let’s face it- it seems like everyone around is tired. We’re all pushed in a thousand different directions, trying to keep it all together, balancing (is balance even possible??) and juggling plates- family, work, kids, finances, schedules, just life in general. 

I’m not the greatest at stress management and self care (social workers are the worst about this!) but I’m starting to recognize when I feel it rise. I can tell when my anxiety level and stress levels are high- my shoulders get tense and hurt. It’s like they physically hurt from carrying all of the things. Sometimes it feels like I’m the hamster in the wheel- it keeps spinning but I’m getting nowhere. 

I was reading Psalms last week when I was reminded (I need to be reminded a lot!) that I was never meant to carry the burdens and deal with it by myself. I’ve probably read this Psalm 68 a thousand times and I even have this next verse highlighted but it was like I was reading it for the very first time. “Praise be to the Lord, to God, our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. (emphasis mine) Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death. “ I don’t have to carry the burdens- at all. 

1. God carries our burdens daily.  The burdens are not going to go away. They may change but aren’t going to disappear completely. (John 16:33) 

2. We weren’t meant to bear them- we have a Burden Bearer-Jesus. I don’t think this needs any more explanation! 

3. We have to daily cast our burdens at the feet of Jesus.  1 Peter 5:17 tells us to “Cast all of your anxiety on Him for He cares for you.” This isn’t a suggestion or recommendation from God. It’s a command. His shoulders were big enough to carry the Cross and His shoulders are big enough to carry the weight of our burdens. 

4. Casting our burdens is a daily act of surrender.  It’s laying everything at the foot of the Cross and leaving it there. It’s realizing that He must become greater and we must become less. (John 3:30) 

So let’s lighten the load today- laying everything at Jesus’ feet. Our shoulders and hearts will thank us. 

Embrace This Day

As I get older, I’m realizing that I’m more of a control freak than I care to admit. I live by a “to do list” both on paper and in my head. I panic when something on the list doesn’t get done or when the list is endlessly growing. The past few months have shown me a glaring but harsh reality: I don’t really have control over anything at all. I can only control how I respond and react to the changing situations.

Yesterday was a crazy day at work. As I walked back into my office to wrap up the day, daycare called. Moms always have this sense of dread when they see that daycare is calling. My little one had gotten sick at daycare I needed to come get her. It was an hour until school was out and I had to scramble to get my son picked up from school. I couldn’t go to work tomorrow because she had to be 24 hours without vomiting. This is a really busy time at work so missing one day is like missing three. I was scrambling in my head to rearrange things and trying not to be aggravated or annoyed in the process.

This morning, I had a few minutes before everyone else was awake. My devotional was about how our hearts desire is not always what God wants and that selfishness is sin. Ouch. As I was reading, I simply prayed, “God, help me to embrace today.” I was able to take my son to school. I loaded up baby girl and went for a walk at the park where I was able to invite someone to church. I got to catch up with a dear friend. I was able to play with A and not worry about what wasn’t getting done. A has recently started crawling and is ON THE MOVE. I was constantly corralling her while trying to do laundry and a few other house things. We both took great naps. I had a choice today: grumble and complain about what couldn’t be done or embrace the unexpected moments and blessings of the day.

We really don’t have any control over our days. Sure, we can plan it out, block it on the calendar, fill it with a mile long to do list. but we fail to forget Who numbers our days. James 4:13-15 (NIV) says : Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”

I’m learning to loosen the grip on my plans and come before the Lord with open hands and an open heart. Here’s to embracing the day.

In Every Season

I can count on one hand the number of times that my husband has given me flowers. Instead, he grows them for me. When we got engaged, he planted a rose bush at our house. Every year for my birthday and now Mother’s Day, he has bought and planted me a new rose bush. Now our son loves to help him pick out a new one each year. I cut the first blooms of my favorite rose bush- it’s called a Blue Girl but it’s actually purple, which is my favorite color. As I put them in a mason jar vase, I was in awe of how beautiful they were even though just a few months earlier, the bushes were bare and dormant.

I feel like I’m coming out of a long winter season. It started in January, when we all got COVID. Thankfully, it was very mild. It seemed like the wheels fell off after that. I struggled with post COVID brain fog (still not 100% gone) and fatigue. Our daughter was constantly sick from daycare and then shared the germs with us, car repairs, stressful job situations, and doing ministry post pandemic- it seemed like every time we got over one thing, something else would hit. It was hard to see where God was in all of this- He felt silent. I had to remind myself constantly that this was just a season and seasons don’t last forever. The seasons always change. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says “There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.”

When I looked at those beautiful new blooms, it felt like spring had arrived in my heart. I could breathe again and I felt like I could see things clearly for the first time in months. The long dark months of winter were over with. I could see the faithfulness of God and the work that He was doing during that time. Now every time I look out my window, I’m reminded that He’s always working, even when we don’t see it or feel it.

You may be in a really long season of winter but remember that seasons don’t last forever. Spring is coming.

Every Season

It's Not My Job

Children are the best theologians and teachers. They don’t complicate things or water them down and they often get straight to the point on things. While I’m constantly learning new things, I feel like lately God has been using my children as teachers- teaching more about His character and who He is. 

Recently, my son and I went to a birthday party at a laser tag place. The building is full of bright lights, noise and of course, video games. I told him ahead of time that I didn’t have any change so we weren’t going to be able to play any games. As we were leaving, he was drawn to the lights and the video games. Again, he asked if I had brought any change and I told him no. He was obviously upset and frustrated. As we were leaving, he was telling me that I should remember to bring money next time and that he really wanted to play the games. The following conversation then happened: 

M:”I really wanted to play the games. I’m not happy right now.” 

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s not my job to make you happy.” 

M: “It is your job- you’re my parent!!”

Me: “I am your parent but it isn’t my job to make you happy. Happiness is a choice.” 

I was preaching to myself at that moment! How many times have I told God that very same statement: “It’s your job to make me happy.”? Maybe not those exact words but definitely with that meaning. How many times do we pray for things that we just know will make us happy? A new job, a bigger house, more income, more time, etc. We think that if we have everything that we ask for, we’ll  be happy. However, what happens when those prayers don’t get answered? Are we happy? Nope. We’re frustrated, confused and certainly not happy because we didn’t get what we thought we wanted. Key phrase: wanted. Many times, we want things that we may not need. 

God will give us exactly what we need to accomplish His will for our lives. (Phillipians 4:19) A lot of times God meets needs that we didn’t even know that we had. He wants good for us- in fact, He wants the best for us. Psalm 84:11 says “For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does He withhold  from those whose walk is blameless.” (emphasis mine) It’s not God’s job to make us happy. He is continually conforming us to be more like Him- it’s definitely a work in progress. However, He’s not going to stop giving us what we need to accomplish that. 

At the Crossroads

I had no idea that it’s been since July since I blogged- time has gotten away from me and I think I’ve lost some weeks along the way.

Last week, I had an interesting experience (scary too) and I’m amazed at how God works- He does it every time. Our church is at a 4 way stop and it’s not uncommon for us to get knocks on the door from people that have broken down in front of the church. Last week, I was getting everyone ready for school and there was a frantic beating on the door- a woman was screaming that her boyfriend was chasing after her and going to harm her. I called the police and quickly realized that she was impaired and there was no one outside. The police arrived and confirmed it- no one was there and she was impaired. They left with her and that was that. We live in a very small area and everyone knows everyone (and is related to them!) I learned that the woman was deep into the pit of addiction. I did a little Facebook detective work and I was stunned when I realized who she was.

There is a dear family in our church who have become our second family. Their entire extended family has come together over the past few months to help another family member who got custody of their 3 grandchildren. These precious children have been coming to church since the spring , come to VBS and our children’s activities. I’ve seen the oldest one’s face light up as she got her first Bible (she’s the same age as my son) and the middle one be so excited when he learned that his name is a book of the Bible. They have been learning so much about Jesus and how He loves them.

I looked at her profile page and saw a picture of her and her children. I almost dropped my coffee cup. The woman who showed up at my door was the children’s mom! Before we learned who she was, my husband said “Better that she come to our house then end up in the ditch or on the side of the road. She’s someone’s daughter, maybe even someone’s mom.” When I looked at her picture, his words rang in my ears. We know her parents and she is someone’s daughter. We know her children and she is someone’s mom.

I don’t believe it was by accident that she ended up knocking on our door. She could have ran in 2 different directions that would have lead her onto dark roads, but instead she ran to the only place that had a light on and it just happened to be the same church where her children are learning about Jesus. I’m praying that this will be the first step to setting her free from addiction and into a new life of freedom.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

What's in a Name?

I’ve been encouraged by several people to actually blog more and to share lessons from our adoption journey. I promise that this blog won’t be completely about adoption but so many faith lessons that can be applied to multiple situations were learned through adoption.

I wanted to share the meaning and story behind our daughter’s name. I’ve loved the name from the moment that I heard it but how God displayed Himself through it is unbelievable. As soon as we started to trying to build our family, we had a girl name picked out. We had assumed that our first child would be a girl so imagine our surprise when we got the call about our son! We quickly chose the name Matthew, “gift from God”, which is fitting because we brought him home on my birthday.

Alora Kay was the name that we had in our hearts for nearly 9 years. During our infertility journey, I had a really rough day and took a nap on the couch. I had a dream of a little blonde headed girl on a swing wearing a hot pink puffer jacket. It was so vivid that it was almost real. A few weeks later, I actually found the jacket in a store and bought it. I decided to look up the meaning of Alora and it’s African for “my dream.” Put it together with my middle name (and mom’s middle name) and you get “My dream rejoices.” The fact that it is an African name is so special because shortly after my husband and I met, I went to Rwanda for 10 days. We communicated ALOT during that time because there was no way I wasn’t going to talk to him after just meeting (needless to say, the phone bill was expensive that month!)

When we found out that we were matched and it was a girl, we immediately knew what her name would be. When talking with the attorney, we learned that Kay was a family name for her birth family. After the mad dash to the hospital, we walked into the nursery to meet the little girl who would soon be our daughter. She was a tiny little thing with blonde hair. The next day, my husband and I were sitting in the NICU and he looked over at me and said, “You do realize that she has blonde hair? The dream of the little girl on the swing??” I was stunned. Things happened so fast with our match and her birth that I honestly had not even thought about that. We later learned that Alora also means “the Lord is my Light. “ We couldn’t have picked a more perfect name.

I was beginning to think that the dream of having a little girl (or even a second child) was never going to be a reality. I had forgotten about the dream, but He didn’t. I was losing hope but He saw the bigger picture. Yes, the dream came true but every time I look at our beautiful blonde headed miracle, I see God’s promise fulfilled and one of the most tangible evidence of His faithfulness.

Be That Friend

I believe that God gives us exactly what we need in every area of our life. You’ve heard the saying “Find your tribe. Love them well.” I’ve seen this to be true in my own life with friendships. From the outside , my tribe probably looks like a hodgepodge of people thrown together. There’s my childhood best friend since age 12, my college best friend, the friend that “stole” me from her husband (we laugh about this but I’ve known her husband since we were 5 but she and I didn’t meet until a few years ago), the friend that I “randomly” met a ministry event 15 years ago because someone said that we just had to meet, there’s my mom friends and then those few friends that you wonder how you are even friends because nothing in your life looks the same. D is one of those friends- her mom was my college Sunday School teacher and she and I just connected. What I love about our friendship is that it is one that is truly God ordained and it is such a gift. Countless times during our adoption process, I would just send a quick text and just say “pray” and I knew that she would. For whatever reason, when I have a dream about her, this is God’s way of telling me that I need to pray for her. It’s crazy how many times that I’ll send her the “had a dream” text (it’s now become a running joke) and she’s told me later that the timing was perfect. Most of the time, I don’t even know what I’m praying for- and that’s okay- God knows. This weekend, I had a dream about her. Immediately when I woke up, I prayed for her and a specific request. I texted her and asked if there was anything specific to pray for. She replied that there was and I gasped when I saw her response: it was EXACTLY what I prayed for. I had no way of knowing about what she was facing. However, there was Someone who did: the Holy Spirit. I know without a shadow of a doubt that He prompted me to pray and revealed what I needed to pray.

We all need the kind of friend who is willing to pray for us no matter what, willing to walk with us through the good, the bad and the ugly. We also need to be that kind of friend. We need to be the friend who is willing to speak the truth, pray the unknown and just be there. So, who need you?

This is 40

I turned the big 40 last week and as my son has constantly reminded me “Mom, you’re 40 NOW!” (as if I needed any reminding-I’ve got the gray hair to prove it. :) ) I’ve had a hard time picturing what my life would look like at 40, probably because my life has never looked like anything like I pictured it to be- ever. I had my life all planned out after college and the Lord quickly yanked the pen out of my hand (it was really His pen to begin with) and flipped the script. I didn’t get married until I was 31, infertility, had a baby at 40, moving after I swore I would never move, etc.

My husband and I were talking about the last 10 years and what the Lord has done in our lives, as a couple and individuals. If I really thought about it, I’ve probably lived half of my life up until this point. Both of my grandparents lived well into their 80’s so it’s quite possible. I literally have everything that I spent years praying for right in front of me. I told him that if I never had another prayer answered, I would be okay with that. Now, granted, that doesn’t mean that I will never have anything to pray about but gone is the striving to have everything perfect, falling apart because things aren’t going how I planned, and the fear of the unknown. What is this is strange feeling? Contentment. Contentment is defined as the state of being satisfied. Feeling content at the “halfway point” of life? Is that even possible?

I think contentment is often elusive because we live in a world where nothing is enough, there’s always something bigger or better, we’re focused on the next step and not in the now, etc. I don’t know if we will ever fully experience contentment the way God desires for us on this side of heaven. However, I think He allows us to to experience contentment as a way of reminding us that apart from Him, nothing will ever satisfy us.

Paul sums up contentment in Philippians 4. “ I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Phil 4:11-13 NIV

If anyone had a hard time finding contentment, it would have been Paul. Shipwrecked, beaten, run out of town after town, just to name a few reasons. I think Paul was able to find contentment because he saw every single need that he had, whether big or small, met by God. I’m sure Paul may have wondered what he signed up for when he decided to follow Jesus. “I didn’t sign up for this. This is not what I pictured life would be like.” However, he never wavered in his obedience to follow God and he experienced life beyond his expectations (Ephesians 3:20)

We can experience true contentment when we realize that our true satisfaction comes from Christ alone, when we seek the Giver more than the gift. “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4 NIV God truly knows what’s best for us and He sees our heart’s desires- after all He put them there. He wants us to find true satisfaction in Him alone.

So here’s to living the next 40 or however many years that God has ordained seeking contentment.

Come Spring

I keep saying that I’m going to do better on blogging but there’s this little thing called life that gets in the way. :) For real this time, I have a legitimate reason: we have a daughter! This adoption has been CRAZY but FULL of God moments that only He could write. She was born on 3/16 and is just everything that little girls are made of- when I can share more details, and pictures, I will. I’m sleep deprived (in such a good way!) but hopefully my post will make sense.

I have always loved spring. At my house, spring means that a lot of growth is happening. The garden is already producing (lots of salads in our summer!), the roses are blooming and the air is just fresh. The reason for all of this growth is that winter is over and spring is here. It may appear that nothing was happening during winter but the truth is, a lot of growth was happening underneath the surface of the sometimes frozen (in the South!) dirt.

Psalm 84 is one of my favorite passages. Psalm 84: 5-7 has been a passage that I clung to during my single years, infertility and in pretty much every season of waiting. “Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs, the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength until each appears before Zion.” Psalm 84: 5-7 (NIV)

Life is a journey, a pilgrimage that leads us to seeking the Lord, growing in Him. As we travel the journey, our hearts are purposed on Him. There will be tough times and bumpy roads. Baca means weeping and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried out to the Lord during hard seasons of life and waiting. Verse 6 says “that they make it a place of springs.” Nothing can grow without water. Gardens grow because of intentional watering but also because of rain. Lots of it. The rain saturates the ground so that the plants will grow. Much like our tears saturate our hearts as we pray and cry out to God. As we wait, our strength grows and roots of faith grow deeper and deeper. When spring finally comes and the rain stops, we are able to fully bloom because we are planted deep in Him.

The past 2 years of this adoption have been a huge season of growth. There were a LOT of tears, a lot of questioning, a lot of bumpy and unknown roads. There was a time at the hospital where things felt like they were falling apart as quickly as they had come together. I remember sitting in the social worker’s office and I fell apart- the room was spinning and I literally felt like everything was about to fall and shatter to a million pieces. All I could do was put my face into hands, breathe deeply and then just cry out to God for Him to meet me in that moment, to do only what He could do. Those roots of faith had grown deep and now they were giving me life. There was such comfort knowing that whatever happened, He was right there with me.

Just because this season is over, it doesn’t mean that winter isn’t coming again. However, my roots are planted and my heart is ready come spring.

Unanswered Prayers?

One of my favorite concerts ever was seeing Garth Brooks at the PMAC at LSU. I was probably about 10 years old and our seats were at the very top of the arena. It was a night that I will never forget especially because to end the concert, Garth swung (well attempted to swing!) across the crowd on a rope swing and it broke- sending him toppling into crowd. One of the songs he sang that night was “Unanswered Prayers.” You probably know it and can hear him singing it in your head, especially if you are a child of the 90’s like me.

“Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.”

I get the point of the song, especially because it’s written about running into an old high school flame and being thankful you didn’t marry them. :) I was thinking recently about a lot of prayers that I’ve prayed recently and over the years and how at the time they seemed to be unanswered. In reality, they were answered. The answer wasn’t the one that I wanted or was even looking for. I think that God always answers our prayers but the answer may be “yes”, “no”, “not now or wait” or answer that is completely different (and better) than what we expect.

Here are a few truths that I’ve discovered recently about God answering prayers.

1. When we pray, God always answers us.

Jeremiah 33:3 says “Call (ask- emphasis mine) to me and I will answer (respond) to you and I will tell you great and unsearchable things that you do not know.”

2. The answer may not be what we think it will be or should be. After all, He is God and we are not.

A verse that I have clung to a lot lately is Isaiah 55:8: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts and my ways are not your ways.” I learned a long time ago that I can’t figure out why God does what He does- I just have to trust Him and that His ways are perfect and so much better than mine.

3. When we pray, we have to have faith that God will answer us, but we have to realize that the answer may not be what we think it should be or even expect. We have to trust God with not only the burden but with the outcome. In all of His wisdom and sovereignty, He sees the bigger picture.

Proverbs 3: 5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”

4. God will give us what we need to live with His answer. It may not make sense to us at all but He is faithful, especially if the answer isn’t what we hoped it would be.

“For My grace is sufficient for you, My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Cor 12:9. When we pray, we are admitting our weakness and our desperate need for God because we are powerless on our own.

5.Trusting God when the answer is “no” or a completely different answer can knock the wind out of us and confuse us even more than ever. We have to set our hearts and our focus on the Giver (God alone) and on Jesus- not just the gift or the outcome.

Hebrews 12:2 says “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross and scorned its shame to sit at the right hand of God.”

Believe me, I’m writing these truths to myself! Our adoption process has taught me so much about God always answering our prayers, even if the answer isn’t what I thought it would be. A few weeks ago, we presented our profile and were waiting to hear back from the attorney. The wait time on this one was a little longer than normal and while waiting, we received another situation that needed a decision on presenting very soon. We can’t present to two situations at once and we knew that we would be hearing back from the first one pretty quickly. We wrestled on what to do if we weren’t chosen for the first situation. There’s a lot of things that I can’t share about it but trust me, when I say we wrestled about what to do. We realized that even if we could present to this second one, we probably weren’t the best fit for the situation. With every situation, we pray that God would provide the right family, even if it’s not us. A few days after we said no, I got on FB for a few minutes (on a FB break right now) and I saw a post from a friend of mine from high school who is also adopting- they had a possible match. I knew that they were using the same attorney and I immediately wondered if it was the same situation. I quickly messaged her and asked if this was the same situation and she said yes! In that moment, I realized that God had answered my prayers. This situation really needed a stay at home mom and my friend is that. I couldn’t be mad or upset just because the answer wasn’t what I wanted. God had answered my prayers for a family- it just wasn’t our family and that was okay. So I’m thanking God for answered prayers too.

The Hidden Gift

My son is fascinated with hidden treasure and pirates. For Christmas, several gifts he got were these blocks of stone (plaster of paris) where he had to chip away at it to find hidden treasure. He would sit and chip away slowly sometimes, other times he would get in a hurry and smash it with the mallet. Some of the rocks and jewels would come out easily and others would be a little harder to get out, buried deep in the layers of the rock. Chip, chip, blow the dust off, hammer, hammer, blow the dust off, repeat. It took a little while but eventually the tiny treasures would be loose. He would dip them in the water to rinse off the dust and then they would shine.

I was reminded of a sometimes hidden treasure in our lives: joy. Sometimes, joy is easily found- usually when things are going pretty well or there are happy times. Other times, joy is often buried deep beneath the layers of hard times, grief, loss, questioning life’s circumstances. I’ve always struggled with anxiety but the past few months, it’s been a little stronger than usual. Besides the struggles of every day life, throw in a pandemic and being in the middle of an adoption in the middle of a pandemic- struggle bus! I came across Psalm 94:19 two different times in the same day and I honestly don’t think I had ever read it before or at least taken the time to let the words sink in.

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19. NIV

When I think of consoling someone, it’s usually after a pain or loss. To console someone means to bring great comfort. When you are consoling someone, you are physically with them. You are in their presence. Anxiety is often displayed by physical reactions: headache, racing heart, sweaty palms, racing thoughts, etc. All these things are within us. It can make you feel very alone and isolated. If we look at this verse and apply it to real life anxiety, we are not alone. Whenever we feel anxiety, God is right there with us. I am in His presence. His presence and comfort alone brings joy and calms my anxious heart and mind.

James 1: 2-3 NIV says “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Notice that it says “when you face trials”, not if. Trials of life can’t be avoided, no matter how hard we try to avoid them. I think the key is how prepared we are for when they come and how we respond when they do come. Pure joy comes only from God- from resting and trusting in His promises. You can’t buy it, you can’t conjure it up, you can’t create it. You have to dig deep to find it. You have to chip away at the rock, knocking off big and little pieces. It means taking the time to let God sweep off the dust, and polish the treasure that lies beneath the layers of pain and trials. The treasure that is found becomes one of the greatest gifts: true joy.

Joy is a gift. It’s a gift that comes in different packaging, It’s also a treasure to be found. Treasure that is often buried beneath layers of pain, one that we may have to look closely to find because it’s buried in the ashes of broken dreams. We have to choose to receive the hidden gift that is joy- choosing to rejoice, even if it’s finding joy in the dark.

A Thankful Heart

Eventually, I’ll get to where I write more than once a month! Life is crazy and busy as usual, Covid or not.

This is the time of year where we usually focus on being grateful and gratitude. Recently, I’ve found myself in a place of gratitude because of really hard things. I’ve written before about the death of my ex-boyfriend when I was a freshman in college and how that forever changed my life. It’s been 21 years so the date is not so hard as it used to be. I can remember looking at the calendar two months in advance and absolutely dreading Sept. 28. This year, however, was different- really different. I was talking about it with a counselor (counseling is a wonderful thing, even for the professional!) and how difficult the season that followed was. In one moment, everything that I hoped and dreamed for came crashing down and I found myself sitting in a pile of broken dreams. As we were talking about it and how it impacted and shaped my life, I was hit with this huge wave of gratitude and joy. Gratitude because of how God used the most painful and most defining moment of life to bring me closer to Him. I became a believer at 14 but my faith truly didn’t become real until I was in college and had to truly rely on the Lord for everything. Gratitude because I had a husband who truly is everything that I prayed for and more, gratitude because I was a mom, gratitude because I was truly living the life that I prayed for so long- I can’t tell you how many tear filled nights and prayers were prayed for those two things! The joy that came despite the hard times was a true joy that was rooted in gratitude.

I Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV) says “Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” There are three commands (and not suggestions!) here:

Be Joyful always- find joy, gladness and delight constantly

Pray continually- always, not stopping

Give thanks in all circumstances- This one is a tough one and much easier said than done. It’s easy to be thankful when things are good, going the way we planned, without problems. However, this also means being thankful for the hard times- the really hard times. The hard times that leave you face planted before the Lord because that’s all that you know to do.

I’m not going to go into a long explanation of suffering- that’s for another post! There is suffering because we live in a fallen and broken world. It is God’s desire for us to be rooted in Him, to be joyful, to never stop praying, to be thankful because sometimes hard things happen. These hard things push us and force us to be joyful when we want to be the complete opposite. God longs for us to press harder, push deeper into Jesus- the source of our true Joy.

God Isn't Mean

I’m going to be honest- I’ve been in a season lately where God just felt (key word: felt) mean. This adoption journey has just been so hard and filled with a lot of unknowns. We’ve presented our profile to expectant mothers at least a dozen times (I’ve actually lost count of how many!) and at least a dozen times, we’ve heard “no.” There were a few situations where it really felt like this could be our yes. It’s really hard not to get your hopes up with each situation, playing it out in your mind and already loving the child attached to the situation. With every no, it felt like God was dangling the desires of our heart right in front of us, only to jerk it away as quickly as it came. Bitterness starts to set in and the doubts become constant companions.

I was talking to a friend the other day about this and she said something to me that I know was from the Holy Spirit. She said, “Have you ever thought about every no not being a denial, but rather God protecting your hearts?” I could literally hear the chains of the lies that I had believed pop off my heart and the scales fall of my eyes. Suddenly, I realized that God wasn’t being mean- He was being a good Father and protecting His children. I remember thanking God for His protection after our adoption scam- it could have been so much worse than it was. As the months passed on, I forgot about this. All I could focus on was the “no” and how God was just being mean. With adoption, anything can happen and it’s often at the last minute and unexpected. God can see the entire picture, while I can only see the snapshot.

Here’s truth to counter the lie that God is being mean when we hear no:

• God’s plans are for our good. Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not harm you, plans for your hope and future.” God gave these words to the children of Israel before they were exiled to Babylon. Even though they were going to be in exile for 70 years, God still had plans for them- despite the hardship they faced. It’s the same with us.

• God works all things out for our good. (Romans 8:28) One of my favorite names for God is Redeemer. He has redeemed my sin, my shame, my brokenness by sending Jesus to die on the cross for my sin. God wastes nothing- no experience, no pain, no trial- it all points us to back to Him.

• God doesn’t withhold any good thing. Psalm 84:11: “For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.” I truly believe that God has our best interests at heart. He knows exactly what we need (what we want to, but definitely need!)

• God gives good gifts to His children. James 1:17-'“ Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. God isn’t going to give us anything that isn’t good for us- that isn’t something we need or that will not be a blessing to us. He delights in the gift giving- think about the greatest Gift of all that He gave us through Jesus.

• His ways are not our ways. Isaiah 55:8: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”declares the Lord.” I have clung to this promise throughout this journey. There are some things that we will never understand this side of heaven, but God is sovereign.

I’m so thankful for a God who loves me enough to only give me the very best, what He knows I truly need- not what I think I want. He’s not being mean, He’s just being a good Father.

Walking the Path

I’m pretty sure that my son is part ninja. Almost every night at some point, he ends up in our bed. Most times, it’s a surprise to us because we don’t hear him enter our room or hear him climb into the bed. The first few times my husband and I were baffled as to how he did it. His bedroom is on the opposite side of the house so he has to make his way through the living room, kitchen and hallway to our bedroom and climb into our bed- IN THE DARK. (well except for the tv screen light.) One night, I caught him in action as he pulled himself up on the bed, crawled over me and then curled up in the middle (legs and elbows poking me the whole time!) I’m amazed at this because he’s created a little path and he knows the way, even in the dark and in his sleep.

I asked him the other day why he kept getting into our bed and he said “I was scared and I felt safe.” He knew the way to safety, to a place where he was loved. I have a clinical background in trauma and working with children from the “hard places.” A term that we talk about often is “felt safety.” It’s one thing for a child to know that they are safe: they have food, clothing, shelter, etc but an entirely different thing for them to feel safe. I saw this first hand with children who entered foster care. I worked at an emergency home and the first night and days there were rough. I would always make a point to get on their level and tell them that they had a roof over their head, food on the table, clean sheets, that someone would be here when they go to bed and when they wake up, and they were safe here. Yes, it was important that they heard it but they needed to feel it. Many times they learned to feel it by seeing it. They needed to see where they would eat, sleep, etc.

As I thought about my son’s response to my question, I realized that I’m just like him. How many times do I feel my way through the dark, trying to find my way to the safest place I can be- the arms of my Heavenly Father? So many times, I get lost. I can’t see past the circumstances that cloud my view, I get turned around because I’m listening to the wrong voices who try to give me directions, and I feel overwhelmed. There are many times when it feels like I’m walking in the dark. I keep walking the same path because I know where it leads.

Here’s the thing: I know where the path leads me or more importantly to Who. I’ve got a lamp to lead the way. (Psalm 119:105) I keep following the path to Jesus because not only do I know I’m safe but I feel safe. I know that our feelings can often lead us astray and aren’t 100% reliable, but feeling safe in the arms of Jesus is one thing that I know to be true.

I don’t know where you are today, but keep walking the path to Jesus, even if you have to walk it in the dark.

Run to the Father

Unchecking the Boxes

I’ve always been a planner. I like to know how things will turn out and the steps to take to get there. I love lists- checking off the boxes. Being a planner and loving a list isn’t necessarily a bad thing until you start living your life with your own boxes marked.

The funny thing about being a planner is that my life has turned out NOTHING like I had planned for it to but I wouldn’t change a thing. I had my life all planned out when I started college. I would meet my husband in college (at the BCM of course!), be married at the end of college, grad school, first child at 25, etc. None of that happened. Instead, my world got turned upside down at 18 when my dreams shattered into a million pieces, I didn’t get married until I was 31 and then infertility. I had to realize that God’s plan doesn’t always fit into my pretty little boxes to be marked off- something I’m still learning.

I read something in the study that I’m doing Unexplainable Jesus by Erica Wiggenhorn that talked about this very thing. I couldn’t highlight it fast enough. “ The moment that I put God in a box of my own logic and reasoning, predicting everything He will and won’t do and why- is the moment that I have made Him too small. His purposes are beyond our reasoning.” (page 164, Unexplainable Jesus)

I’m in a season right of now of checking off boxes. This adoption journey has turned out to be more about my sanctification than anything else. I had this perfect timeline in my mind of when and how things needed to happen based on my plans, my time table. Every single timeline has come and gone- with adoption, you need to just throw timelines out the window! I’ve had some pretty specific things that I had been praying for but if I’m honest, they were “checking off boxes.” When I read this quote, I realized that I had made God far to small and I cannot comprehend His plans and ways- simply not possible.

It’s almost like I don’t trust God to do what is best for me so I need to give Him a little help. Really, the Creator of the Universe, who holds the whole world in His hands, does not need my help! There’s another quote in the book that spoke to me. “I don’t know about you but my problem most often isn’t that I don’t have faith. It’s that I don’t have faith in the greatness of my God. I have made Him too small. I’ve relegated Him to a Master instead of the majestic, magnificent Almighty. Could it be that when Jesus asks us to exercise faith before He steps in and works, He is asking us to remember the greatness of the One in whom our faith lies?” (page 166, Unexplainable)

I think that the problem isn’t that we don’t have faith, but that we tend to underestimate God’s power and His sovereignty. We try to fit our great big God into these tiny little checkboxes. It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. No matter how hard we try, plead, or manipulate, it doesn’t work.

So let’s uncheck the boxes, throw away the pen and surrender our checklist to the Author and perfecter of our faith, who is continually writing the story as it unfolds, trusting that His ways are perfect (Proverbs 3:5-6)