He is Faithful

My husband and I will celebrate the big 10 (2 whole hands as my son would say!) years of being married this week. It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long even though it feels like a lifetime of living has been packed into 10 short years. 3 moves, 3 churches, ministry highs and lows, infertility and 2 miracles through adoption have all been part of the adventure. I can look back and see God’s faithfulness through it all. I can especially see His faithfulness in the journey leading to marriage.

I remember the day very clearly- it was early December 2010. One of my closest friends had just gotten engaged to a guy that she met when we were on a single’s retreat. I was thrilled for them both because their story was just amazing. At the same time, I was sad. “A” was my LAST friend that was single- we did everything together and and she was a big part of my life. I was the only one who wasn’t married- again. I was sitting on the floor in my bedroom, crying my eyes out to the Lord, as I was just so confused. I was genuinely happy for them both but I couldn’t help but feel like I was going to be single forever. Over the past 3 years, God had truly done a work in my heart and life about being content and living my life now instead of waiting for marriage. I was praying when the dam just broke. “You’ve done so much in my life, but I don’t know what else needs to happen. WHERE IS HE???” - one of the few times that I can remember just yelling out to God. I will never forget what happened next. This peace just washed over me and I heard the Lord whisper to my heart (and it truly felt like it was an audible voice.) “ What if he’s not ready yet? Just give me 6 months.” I told Him that I had no idea what 6 months meant- would I meet someone in 6 months? Be engaged in 6 months? I just knew that I had heard from Him but I wasn’t going to spend the next 6 months thinking that every guy that crossed my path was the one.

I spent the next 6 months just living my life as the big 30 quickly approached. I got a tattoo, and was planning mission trips to Rwanda and Brazil. Sometimes towards the end of April, I was talking to my best friend about being single and just being over dating. She asked me if I had tried online dating and I just laughed at her. I had done it before and let’s just say that it wasn’t for me. She strongly persuaded me to give it just one more try on a site that I hadn’t used before. I told her that I would give it a month- if I met someone, great. If not, I was done with it.

I signed up and created my profile. When I saw this one particular profile, I was intrigued. I had to click “yes, no or maybe” to get more profiles. I had only been on it 3 days so I had no idea what clicking yes meant, but I liked what I saw plus I wanted to see more profiles. I clicked yes and then a day later, I got a message that would change everything. There’s a lot of details in between communicating and actually meeting. Our first date lasted 6 hours! I had always heard people say that “when you know, you know” and I thought that was the dumbest thing ever. After 2 or 3 dates, I had to eat my words!!

We both knew pretty quickly that we wanted to get married. As the months passed by, I lost track of time. One day, I was talking to my friend and I asked her when she got engaged and she told me that it was December. It hit me and I quickly counted the months- December, January, February, March, April, MAY. 6 MONTHS to the day that the Lord had whispered that promise to me- I had met my husband! We were engaged in March 2012 and married 6 months later.

The way that God wrote our story still blows my mind sometimes. At the same time I was in my 3 year “wilderness” time of God working on my heart, my husband was in the middle of his own journey. We both weren’t ready yet. I had no idea at just how much God was working behind the scenes. He was weaving threads of faithfulness that would hold everything together.

Let go of the pen

I’ve always heard that God writes the best stories. I absolutely believe that this is true, but I’ve also tried to write the story myself by grabbing the pen (or at least trying to!) from His hands. When I graduated high school, I had my life planned out- who I was going to marry, college and my career. As I’ve written here before, everything came crashing down around me and suddenly, I found myself in a pile of broken dreams and ashes. I remember thinking that there was no way I would ever recover from this- life had completely changed and I wasn’t sure how to move forward. I remember a dear friend in college speaking some tough love to me: “His life is over but yours isn’t.” If I’m really honest, I never really asked God if this is what He wanted for me- I just assumed that this was it and He would bless it. I was literally trying to grab the pen from God’s hands. 

One of my life verses is Psalm 118:17: “I will not die but live and tell of what the Lord has done.” I can clearly remember where I was when I heard this verse and I’ve never been the same. It was my second semester of college and I was at a college Bible study. I don’t even remember what the lesson was about but just that this verse was shared. I remember reading it and for the first time in many months, feeling hope. I knew that God was writing the story but I couldn’t see it just yet.  Paul David Tripp writes in New Morning Mercies : “ You simply can’t debate it- God’s way is better than your way. His plan is infinitely better than any plan you would have for yourself.” 

There are moments when I look at my life and it takes my breath away when I think about the goodness and grace of God. My husband and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage in a few months and it’s a testament to simply letting go of the pen (you can ask some of my friends who knew me when I was single- I clung to that pen tightly!) This morning, I looked over and saw my 2 precious blessings piled up in the bed with me. It was the sweetest sight as I remembered the countless tears cried, prayers prayed and the waiting (oh, the waiting!). I remember seeing the potential adoption situations and trying my best to make it work- it was literally trying to put a square peg in a round hole. God had to wrestle the pen out of my hands. I couldn’t have written their stories even if I had tried. The ways that God moved were unbelievable. God’s plans are truly better than I could ever imagine. I just had to let go of the pen. 

Embrace This Day

As I get older, I’m realizing that I’m more of a control freak than I care to admit. I live by a “to do list” both on paper and in my head. I panic when something on the list doesn’t get done or when the list is endlessly growing. The past few months have shown me a glaring but harsh reality: I don’t really have control over anything at all. I can only control how I respond and react to the changing situations.

Yesterday was a crazy day at work. As I walked back into my office to wrap up the day, daycare called. Moms always have this sense of dread when they see that daycare is calling. My little one had gotten sick at daycare I needed to come get her. It was an hour until school was out and I had to scramble to get my son picked up from school. I couldn’t go to work tomorrow because she had to be 24 hours without vomiting. This is a really busy time at work so missing one day is like missing three. I was scrambling in my head to rearrange things and trying not to be aggravated or annoyed in the process.

This morning, I had a few minutes before everyone else was awake. My devotional was about how our hearts desire is not always what God wants and that selfishness is sin. Ouch. As I was reading, I simply prayed, “God, help me to embrace today.” I was able to take my son to school. I loaded up baby girl and went for a walk at the park where I was able to invite someone to church. I got to catch up with a dear friend. I was able to play with A and not worry about what wasn’t getting done. A has recently started crawling and is ON THE MOVE. I was constantly corralling her while trying to do laundry and a few other house things. We both took great naps. I had a choice today: grumble and complain about what couldn’t be done or embrace the unexpected moments and blessings of the day.

We really don’t have any control over our days. Sure, we can plan it out, block it on the calendar, fill it with a mile long to do list. but we fail to forget Who numbers our days. James 4:13-15 (NIV) says : Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”

I’m learning to loosen the grip on my plans and come before the Lord with open hands and an open heart. Here’s to embracing the day.

What's in a Name?

I’ve been encouraged by several people to actually blog more and to share lessons from our adoption journey. I promise that this blog won’t be completely about adoption but so many faith lessons that can be applied to multiple situations were learned through adoption.

I wanted to share the meaning and story behind our daughter’s name. I’ve loved the name from the moment that I heard it but how God displayed Himself through it is unbelievable. As soon as we started to trying to build our family, we had a girl name picked out. We had assumed that our first child would be a girl so imagine our surprise when we got the call about our son! We quickly chose the name Matthew, “gift from God”, which is fitting because we brought him home on my birthday.

Alora Kay was the name that we had in our hearts for nearly 9 years. During our infertility journey, I had a really rough day and took a nap on the couch. I had a dream of a little blonde headed girl on a swing wearing a hot pink puffer jacket. It was so vivid that it was almost real. A few weeks later, I actually found the jacket in a store and bought it. I decided to look up the meaning of Alora and it’s African for “my dream.” Put it together with my middle name (and mom’s middle name) and you get “My dream rejoices.” The fact that it is an African name is so special because shortly after my husband and I met, I went to Rwanda for 10 days. We communicated ALOT during that time because there was no way I wasn’t going to talk to him after just meeting (needless to say, the phone bill was expensive that month!)

When we found out that we were matched and it was a girl, we immediately knew what her name would be. When talking with the attorney, we learned that Kay was a family name for her birth family. After the mad dash to the hospital, we walked into the nursery to meet the little girl who would soon be our daughter. She was a tiny little thing with blonde hair. The next day, my husband and I were sitting in the NICU and he looked over at me and said, “You do realize that she has blonde hair? The dream of the little girl on the swing??” I was stunned. Things happened so fast with our match and her birth that I honestly had not even thought about that. We later learned that Alora also means “the Lord is my Light. “ We couldn’t have picked a more perfect name.

I was beginning to think that the dream of having a little girl (or even a second child) was never going to be a reality. I had forgotten about the dream, but He didn’t. I was losing hope but He saw the bigger picture. Yes, the dream came true but every time I look at our beautiful blonde headed miracle, I see God’s promise fulfilled and one of the most tangible evidence of His faithfulness.

Be That Friend

I believe that God gives us exactly what we need in every area of our life. You’ve heard the saying “Find your tribe. Love them well.” I’ve seen this to be true in my own life with friendships. From the outside , my tribe probably looks like a hodgepodge of people thrown together. There’s my childhood best friend since age 12, my college best friend, the friend that “stole” me from her husband (we laugh about this but I’ve known her husband since we were 5 but she and I didn’t meet until a few years ago), the friend that I “randomly” met a ministry event 15 years ago because someone said that we just had to meet, there’s my mom friends and then those few friends that you wonder how you are even friends because nothing in your life looks the same. D is one of those friends- her mom was my college Sunday School teacher and she and I just connected. What I love about our friendship is that it is one that is truly God ordained and it is such a gift. Countless times during our adoption process, I would just send a quick text and just say “pray” and I knew that she would. For whatever reason, when I have a dream about her, this is God’s way of telling me that I need to pray for her. It’s crazy how many times that I’ll send her the “had a dream” text (it’s now become a running joke) and she’s told me later that the timing was perfect. Most of the time, I don’t even know what I’m praying for- and that’s okay- God knows. This weekend, I had a dream about her. Immediately when I woke up, I prayed for her and a specific request. I texted her and asked if there was anything specific to pray for. She replied that there was and I gasped when I saw her response: it was EXACTLY what I prayed for. I had no way of knowing about what she was facing. However, there was Someone who did: the Holy Spirit. I know without a shadow of a doubt that He prompted me to pray and revealed what I needed to pray.

We all need the kind of friend who is willing to pray for us no matter what, willing to walk with us through the good, the bad and the ugly. We also need to be that kind of friend. We need to be the friend who is willing to speak the truth, pray the unknown and just be there. So, who need you?

Unanswered Prayers?

One of my favorite concerts ever was seeing Garth Brooks at the PMAC at LSU. I was probably about 10 years old and our seats were at the very top of the arena. It was a night that I will never forget especially because to end the concert, Garth swung (well attempted to swing!) across the crowd on a rope swing and it broke- sending him toppling into crowd. One of the songs he sang that night was “Unanswered Prayers.” You probably know it and can hear him singing it in your head, especially if you are a child of the 90’s like me.

“Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.”

I get the point of the song, especially because it’s written about running into an old high school flame and being thankful you didn’t marry them. :) I was thinking recently about a lot of prayers that I’ve prayed recently and over the years and how at the time they seemed to be unanswered. In reality, they were answered. The answer wasn’t the one that I wanted or was even looking for. I think that God always answers our prayers but the answer may be “yes”, “no”, “not now or wait” or answer that is completely different (and better) than what we expect.

Here are a few truths that I’ve discovered recently about God answering prayers.

1. When we pray, God always answers us.

Jeremiah 33:3 says “Call (ask- emphasis mine) to me and I will answer (respond) to you and I will tell you great and unsearchable things that you do not know.”

2. The answer may not be what we think it will be or should be. After all, He is God and we are not.

A verse that I have clung to a lot lately is Isaiah 55:8: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts and my ways are not your ways.” I learned a long time ago that I can’t figure out why God does what He does- I just have to trust Him and that His ways are perfect and so much better than mine.

3. When we pray, we have to have faith that God will answer us, but we have to realize that the answer may not be what we think it should be or even expect. We have to trust God with not only the burden but with the outcome. In all of His wisdom and sovereignty, He sees the bigger picture.

Proverbs 3: 5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”

4. God will give us what we need to live with His answer. It may not make sense to us at all but He is faithful, especially if the answer isn’t what we hoped it would be.

“For My grace is sufficient for you, My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Cor 12:9. When we pray, we are admitting our weakness and our desperate need for God because we are powerless on our own.

5.Trusting God when the answer is “no” or a completely different answer can knock the wind out of us and confuse us even more than ever. We have to set our hearts and our focus on the Giver (God alone) and on Jesus- not just the gift or the outcome.

Hebrews 12:2 says “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross and scorned its shame to sit at the right hand of God.”

Believe me, I’m writing these truths to myself! Our adoption process has taught me so much about God always answering our prayers, even if the answer isn’t what I thought it would be. A few weeks ago, we presented our profile and were waiting to hear back from the attorney. The wait time on this one was a little longer than normal and while waiting, we received another situation that needed a decision on presenting very soon. We can’t present to two situations at once and we knew that we would be hearing back from the first one pretty quickly. We wrestled on what to do if we weren’t chosen for the first situation. There’s a lot of things that I can’t share about it but trust me, when I say we wrestled about what to do. We realized that even if we could present to this second one, we probably weren’t the best fit for the situation. With every situation, we pray that God would provide the right family, even if it’s not us. A few days after we said no, I got on FB for a few minutes (on a FB break right now) and I saw a post from a friend of mine from high school who is also adopting- they had a possible match. I knew that they were using the same attorney and I immediately wondered if it was the same situation. I quickly messaged her and asked if this was the same situation and she said yes! In that moment, I realized that God had answered my prayers. This situation really needed a stay at home mom and my friend is that. I couldn’t be mad or upset just because the answer wasn’t what I wanted. God had answered my prayers for a family- it just wasn’t our family and that was okay. So I’m thanking God for answered prayers too.

A Thankful Heart

Eventually, I’ll get to where I write more than once a month! Life is crazy and busy as usual, Covid or not.

This is the time of year where we usually focus on being grateful and gratitude. Recently, I’ve found myself in a place of gratitude because of really hard things. I’ve written before about the death of my ex-boyfriend when I was a freshman in college and how that forever changed my life. It’s been 21 years so the date is not so hard as it used to be. I can remember looking at the calendar two months in advance and absolutely dreading Sept. 28. This year, however, was different- really different. I was talking about it with a counselor (counseling is a wonderful thing, even for the professional!) and how difficult the season that followed was. In one moment, everything that I hoped and dreamed for came crashing down and I found myself sitting in a pile of broken dreams. As we were talking about it and how it impacted and shaped my life, I was hit with this huge wave of gratitude and joy. Gratitude because of how God used the most painful and most defining moment of life to bring me closer to Him. I became a believer at 14 but my faith truly didn’t become real until I was in college and had to truly rely on the Lord for everything. Gratitude because I had a husband who truly is everything that I prayed for and more, gratitude because I was a mom, gratitude because I was truly living the life that I prayed for so long- I can’t tell you how many tear filled nights and prayers were prayed for those two things! The joy that came despite the hard times was a true joy that was rooted in gratitude.

I Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV) says “Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” There are three commands (and not suggestions!) here:

Be Joyful always- find joy, gladness and delight constantly

Pray continually- always, not stopping

Give thanks in all circumstances- This one is a tough one and much easier said than done. It’s easy to be thankful when things are good, going the way we planned, without problems. However, this also means being thankful for the hard times- the really hard times. The hard times that leave you face planted before the Lord because that’s all that you know to do.

I’m not going to go into a long explanation of suffering- that’s for another post! There is suffering because we live in a fallen and broken world. It is God’s desire for us to be rooted in Him, to be joyful, to never stop praying, to be thankful because sometimes hard things happen. These hard things push us and force us to be joyful when we want to be the complete opposite. God longs for us to press harder, push deeper into Jesus- the source of our true Joy.