What's in a Name?

I’ve been encouraged by several people to actually blog more and to share lessons from our adoption journey. I promise that this blog won’t be completely about adoption but so many faith lessons that can be applied to multiple situations were learned through adoption.

I wanted to share the meaning and story behind our daughter’s name. I’ve loved the name from the moment that I heard it but how God displayed Himself through it is unbelievable. As soon as we started to trying to build our family, we had a girl name picked out. We had assumed that our first child would be a girl so imagine our surprise when we got the call about our son! We quickly chose the name Matthew, “gift from God”, which is fitting because we brought him home on my birthday.

Alora Kay was the name that we had in our hearts for nearly 9 years. During our infertility journey, I had a really rough day and took a nap on the couch. I had a dream of a little blonde headed girl on a swing wearing a hot pink puffer jacket. It was so vivid that it was almost real. A few weeks later, I actually found the jacket in a store and bought it. I decided to look up the meaning of Alora and it’s African for “my dream.” Put it together with my middle name (and mom’s middle name) and you get “My dream rejoices.” The fact that it is an African name is so special because shortly after my husband and I met, I went to Rwanda for 10 days. We communicated ALOT during that time because there was no way I wasn’t going to talk to him after just meeting (needless to say, the phone bill was expensive that month!)

When we found out that we were matched and it was a girl, we immediately knew what her name would be. When talking with the attorney, we learned that Kay was a family name for her birth family. After the mad dash to the hospital, we walked into the nursery to meet the little girl who would soon be our daughter. She was a tiny little thing with blonde hair. The next day, my husband and I were sitting in the NICU and he looked over at me and said, “You do realize that she has blonde hair? The dream of the little girl on the swing??” I was stunned. Things happened so fast with our match and her birth that I honestly had not even thought about that. We later learned that Alora also means “the Lord is my Light. “ We couldn’t have picked a more perfect name.

I was beginning to think that the dream of having a little girl (or even a second child) was never going to be a reality. I had forgotten about the dream, but He didn’t. I was losing hope but He saw the bigger picture. Yes, the dream came true but every time I look at our beautiful blonde headed miracle, I see God’s promise fulfilled and one of the most tangible evidence of His faithfulness.

Unanswered Prayers?

One of my favorite concerts ever was seeing Garth Brooks at the PMAC at LSU. I was probably about 10 years old and our seats were at the very top of the arena. It was a night that I will never forget especially because to end the concert, Garth swung (well attempted to swing!) across the crowd on a rope swing and it broke- sending him toppling into crowd. One of the songs he sang that night was “Unanswered Prayers.” You probably know it and can hear him singing it in your head, especially if you are a child of the 90’s like me.

“Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.”

I get the point of the song, especially because it’s written about running into an old high school flame and being thankful you didn’t marry them. :) I was thinking recently about a lot of prayers that I’ve prayed recently and over the years and how at the time they seemed to be unanswered. In reality, they were answered. The answer wasn’t the one that I wanted or was even looking for. I think that God always answers our prayers but the answer may be “yes”, “no”, “not now or wait” or answer that is completely different (and better) than what we expect.

Here are a few truths that I’ve discovered recently about God answering prayers.

1. When we pray, God always answers us.

Jeremiah 33:3 says “Call (ask- emphasis mine) to me and I will answer (respond) to you and I will tell you great and unsearchable things that you do not know.”

2. The answer may not be what we think it will be or should be. After all, He is God and we are not.

A verse that I have clung to a lot lately is Isaiah 55:8: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts and my ways are not your ways.” I learned a long time ago that I can’t figure out why God does what He does- I just have to trust Him and that His ways are perfect and so much better than mine.

3. When we pray, we have to have faith that God will answer us, but we have to realize that the answer may not be what we think it should be or even expect. We have to trust God with not only the burden but with the outcome. In all of His wisdom and sovereignty, He sees the bigger picture.

Proverbs 3: 5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”

4. God will give us what we need to live with His answer. It may not make sense to us at all but He is faithful, especially if the answer isn’t what we hoped it would be.

“For My grace is sufficient for you, My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Cor 12:9. When we pray, we are admitting our weakness and our desperate need for God because we are powerless on our own.

5.Trusting God when the answer is “no” or a completely different answer can knock the wind out of us and confuse us even more than ever. We have to set our hearts and our focus on the Giver (God alone) and on Jesus- not just the gift or the outcome.

Hebrews 12:2 says “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross and scorned its shame to sit at the right hand of God.”

Believe me, I’m writing these truths to myself! Our adoption process has taught me so much about God always answering our prayers, even if the answer isn’t what I thought it would be. A few weeks ago, we presented our profile and were waiting to hear back from the attorney. The wait time on this one was a little longer than normal and while waiting, we received another situation that needed a decision on presenting very soon. We can’t present to two situations at once and we knew that we would be hearing back from the first one pretty quickly. We wrestled on what to do if we weren’t chosen for the first situation. There’s a lot of things that I can’t share about it but trust me, when I say we wrestled about what to do. We realized that even if we could present to this second one, we probably weren’t the best fit for the situation. With every situation, we pray that God would provide the right family, even if it’s not us. A few days after we said no, I got on FB for a few minutes (on a FB break right now) and I saw a post from a friend of mine from high school who is also adopting- they had a possible match. I knew that they were using the same attorney and I immediately wondered if it was the same situation. I quickly messaged her and asked if this was the same situation and she said yes! In that moment, I realized that God had answered my prayers. This situation really needed a stay at home mom and my friend is that. I couldn’t be mad or upset just because the answer wasn’t what I wanted. God had answered my prayers for a family- it just wasn’t our family and that was okay. So I’m thanking God for answered prayers too.

The God Who Goes Before Me

I’m not sure what week (I think it’s week 8?) or what day (maybe 1,575??) we are on this quarantine. It’s been an interesting season for sure. I know that no one expected to be in this season but I certainly didn’t expect to be in the middle of our adoption and a global pandemic at the same time. Emotions are already running high and are all over the place but adoption has another layer of emotions.

We’ve presented our profile book to expectant mothers three times since the quarantine. The waiting to hear back is brutal. The first two situations were full of emotions because if we were chosen, both situations would have required travel fairly quickly and were right at the beginning of everything shutting down. We presented most recently last week. For the last one, the baby wasn’t due until the end of August. As we waited to hear back from this situation, we did a lot of praying. Praying for the expectant mama, for her baby and above all, for God’s will to be done. I can’t explain it other than God but we had such peace about this situation- probably more than ever before with any other one we’ve seen.

Thursday was just a HARD day. I had hit the wall emotionally with the quarantine, trying to homeschool, work, my husband was working extra hours that week plus waiting to hear if we had been chosen or not. Thursday afternoon, my son and I were having meltdowns- we couldn’t find the remote to the tv or the tablet, he was tired and I was emotionally exhausted. He fell asleep and I just cried- no real reason why, just the weight of everything.

I kept thinking about the amount of peace that I had felt that week about this situation. I turned to read John 16:33 where Jesus was talking to His disciples: “ I have you told these things so that in Me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world.” I then read John 14:27: “My peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.” There was such comfort in the words of Jesus. Peace not as the world understands or gives, but a deep peace that surpasses all understanding. (Phil 4:7)

A few minutes later, I checked my email to see if our consultant had heard anything from the attorney. There was an email from her saying that another family had been chosen. Tears flowed and flowed. However, there was that unmistakeable peace that had been there all week. Then it hit me: God had gone before me, preparing the way. You see, He was the one that gave our hearts such a tremendous amount of peace in the days leading up to this. The Holy Spirit lead me to turn to those words in John just a few minutes earlier. Yes, there was a raw feeling of emotion but God’s kindness and care was so tangible in that moment- I could feel His kindness and love. He knew exactly what was going to happen with the outcome so He went before me, preparing the way with the peace that only He could give. He knew that I would need to read those verses about peace and I would need peace so He began planting the seeds of peace ahead of time.

Deuteronomy 31:8 says “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Again, the kindness of the Lord. I didn’t have to be afraid or discouraged (even though there was disappointment.) I’m so thankful for the God who goes before me. So whatever road you’re on, no matter how long or painful it is, remember that you aren’t walking a path where God has not already walked before you.

Don't Walk Alone

I had no idea it’s been since July since I’ve posted! It’s been quite the change with school starting and my little one in kindergarten. I’ve had lots of blog post ideas but it’s been hard to get them out because of time and honestly, it’s just been a hard season.

We’re in the adoption process for baby #2 and this journey has been a long one that seems filled with one delay or setback after another. You name it, it’s happened. Despite the delays, God has proven Himself faithful time and time again. The most recent setback came with updating our homestudy. We found that we wouldn’t be able to use the same social worker who did our update and it would require switching to a different agency. It’s a long story but we ended up having to start entirely over with our new agency, which includes more expense and delays us being able to present to any potential adoption situations until everything is current. Last week was not a good week but God reminded me of how He speaks to us through other believers and our circumstances.

My husband and I have some dear friends, E and A, who have also adopted. A little backstory on how God ordains friendships. Nearly 10 years ago, I spoke at a church about adoption and foster care. E and A were there that Sunday. Fast forward a few years later and I’m attending church with my now husband and we end up in the same Sunday School class as E and A. She remembered hearing me speak years earlier. They were so supportive of our adoption journey and little did we know that at the time God was working in their hearts about adoption. We brought our son home and then 2 years later, they bring home their precious little boy. A and I have walked through some of the highest of highs and lowest of lows together with adoption.

I was talking with her last week about all that had been happening with our adoption. Well, talking and I was mostly crying. She was silent for a minute and then she said, “ I remember sitting across from someone in Starbucks when I had hit the wall with our adoption. She looked at me and told me that it was quite possible that our baby had not even been conceived yet and that God’s timing is perfect. I didn’t want to hear that at all but it was spoken from a place of great love and truth. So I’m turning the table and speaking those words to you. Maybe your baby isn’t even conceived yet.” I choked back the tears as I vividly remember that night at Starbucks. I was in awe that God would use the words that I spoke to someone to later comfort me.

I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 1: 3-7 (NIV): Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

God never wastes a hurt. He is the ultimate Comforter. He comforts us so that we can share the comfort that we’ve experience with others who need it. A and I had both experienced deep heartache and suffering. However we weren’t alone in our suffering. Not only was God with us in our pain, but He gave us the gift of each other. We were both able to help each other because one of us had walked aside the other and vice versa. I was able to give her hope because I had experienced first hand God moving mountains and seen how perfect His timing was. She was able to give me the same hope because she had walked the same road. We were never meant to walk life alone.

On Being Obedient

Nearly 10 years ago, I began blogging as a way of documenting the lessons that God was teaching me in the season of singleness. I love to look back at it and see how God answered all those prayers in ways that only He could and the lessons that I learned. I took a blogging break after meeting and marrying my wonderful husband. I picked up blogging again as we journeyed through infertility, adoption and becoming parents- we became parents with 12 hours notice! When our son was about 4 months old, my husband and I went through a really long and difficult season that lasted about 3 years- one that we’re finally out of and into a new one. I stopped blogging and writing- partly because I had a case of “mommy brain” and that my true feelings and emotions were so raw that it was best not to display them on the world wide web.

I waited a really long time to be a wife and a mom- a road that wasn’t easy but one that I wouldn’t trade for the world. Somewhere along the way, I “lost” my sense of self- my days were spent loving and meeting the needs of my people and with my job- the needs of others. I’ve heard that this is common with moms. I needed something that was for me, but also brought me joy. I read somewhere that if you’ve forgotten your passions, you should reflect on the things of your childhood and what brought you joy, what interested in you, etc. As I look back, for me those things were writing and books. I devoured books constantly but thanks to college and graduate school, I didn’t care if I ever read another book. I would fill notebooks with stories. I have journaled off and on throughout the years and I still love a pretty journal or notebook (just ask my husband! Target does not help this addiction at all!) I also love to speak to groups. Through my job as an adoption social worker, I spoke to churches and various groups about foster care, adoption, orphan care and how they can be involved. Looking back, I see how God was using all of those things to move me into this next season.

About a two yeas ago, the Lord began to nudge me (well, more like a gentle shove!) about telling my story. Really telling it- the good, the bad and the ugly. I didn't do anything with it at first- I came up with every excuse in the book. "No one wants to hear it, I don't have anything to say, I'm not sure how to do it." It wouldn't go away. In fact, it got stronger. I took some baby steps towards that calling but didn’t really pursue it fully. Finally, I took the plunge and here I am. Here’s what I’ve learned: delayed obedience is still disobedience. God has given me a voice, a story to tell. One that points to Him, that points others to Him. So here's the first step in being obedient- telling my story. I don't have a set format for this site/blog and I’m learning as I go- but I do know this: it will tell the story that God is writing day by day and encourage others to do the same. So here’s to new seasons and being obedient.