In Every Season

I can count on one hand the number of times that my husband has given me flowers. Instead, he grows them for me. When we got engaged, he planted a rose bush at our house. Every year for my birthday and now Mother’s Day, he has bought and planted me a new rose bush. Now our son loves to help him pick out a new one each year. I cut the first blooms of my favorite rose bush- it’s called a Blue Girl but it’s actually purple, which is my favorite color. As I put them in a mason jar vase, I was in awe of how beautiful they were even though just a few months earlier, the bushes were bare and dormant.

I feel like I’m coming out of a long winter season. It started in January, when we all got COVID. Thankfully, it was very mild. It seemed like the wheels fell off after that. I struggled with post COVID brain fog (still not 100% gone) and fatigue. Our daughter was constantly sick from daycare and then shared the germs with us, car repairs, stressful job situations, and doing ministry post pandemic- it seemed like every time we got over one thing, something else would hit. It was hard to see where God was in all of this- He felt silent. I had to remind myself constantly that this was just a season and seasons don’t last forever. The seasons always change. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says “There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.”

When I looked at those beautiful new blooms, it felt like spring had arrived in my heart. I could breathe again and I felt like I could see things clearly for the first time in months. The long dark months of winter were over with. I could see the faithfulness of God and the work that He was doing during that time. Now every time I look out my window, I’m reminded that He’s always working, even when we don’t see it or feel it.

You may be in a really long season of winter but remember that seasons don’t last forever. Spring is coming.

Every Season

At the Crossroads

I had no idea that it’s been since July since I blogged- time has gotten away from me and I think I’ve lost some weeks along the way.

Last week, I had an interesting experience (scary too) and I’m amazed at how God works- He does it every time. Our church is at a 4 way stop and it’s not uncommon for us to get knocks on the door from people that have broken down in front of the church. Last week, I was getting everyone ready for school and there was a frantic beating on the door- a woman was screaming that her boyfriend was chasing after her and going to harm her. I called the police and quickly realized that she was impaired and there was no one outside. The police arrived and confirmed it- no one was there and she was impaired. They left with her and that was that. We live in a very small area and everyone knows everyone (and is related to them!) I learned that the woman was deep into the pit of addiction. I did a little Facebook detective work and I was stunned when I realized who she was.

There is a dear family in our church who have become our second family. Their entire extended family has come together over the past few months to help another family member who got custody of their 3 grandchildren. These precious children have been coming to church since the spring , come to VBS and our children’s activities. I’ve seen the oldest one’s face light up as she got her first Bible (she’s the same age as my son) and the middle one be so excited when he learned that his name is a book of the Bible. They have been learning so much about Jesus and how He loves them.

I looked at her profile page and saw a picture of her and her children. I almost dropped my coffee cup. The woman who showed up at my door was the children’s mom! Before we learned who she was, my husband said “Better that she come to our house then end up in the ditch or on the side of the road. She’s someone’s daughter, maybe even someone’s mom.” When I looked at her picture, his words rang in my ears. We know her parents and she is someone’s daughter. We know her children and she is someone’s mom.

I don’t believe it was by accident that she ended up knocking on our door. She could have ran in 2 different directions that would have lead her onto dark roads, but instead she ran to the only place that had a light on and it just happened to be the same church where her children are learning about Jesus. I’m praying that this will be the first step to setting her free from addiction and into a new life of freedom.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

Unanswered Prayers?

One of my favorite concerts ever was seeing Garth Brooks at the PMAC at LSU. I was probably about 10 years old and our seats were at the very top of the arena. It was a night that I will never forget especially because to end the concert, Garth swung (well attempted to swing!) across the crowd on a rope swing and it broke- sending him toppling into crowd. One of the songs he sang that night was “Unanswered Prayers.” You probably know it and can hear him singing it in your head, especially if you are a child of the 90’s like me.

“Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.”

I get the point of the song, especially because it’s written about running into an old high school flame and being thankful you didn’t marry them. :) I was thinking recently about a lot of prayers that I’ve prayed recently and over the years and how at the time they seemed to be unanswered. In reality, they were answered. The answer wasn’t the one that I wanted or was even looking for. I think that God always answers our prayers but the answer may be “yes”, “no”, “not now or wait” or answer that is completely different (and better) than what we expect.

Here are a few truths that I’ve discovered recently about God answering prayers.

1. When we pray, God always answers us.

Jeremiah 33:3 says “Call (ask- emphasis mine) to me and I will answer (respond) to you and I will tell you great and unsearchable things that you do not know.”

2. The answer may not be what we think it will be or should be. After all, He is God and we are not.

A verse that I have clung to a lot lately is Isaiah 55:8: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts and my ways are not your ways.” I learned a long time ago that I can’t figure out why God does what He does- I just have to trust Him and that His ways are perfect and so much better than mine.

3. When we pray, we have to have faith that God will answer us, but we have to realize that the answer may not be what we think it should be or even expect. We have to trust God with not only the burden but with the outcome. In all of His wisdom and sovereignty, He sees the bigger picture.

Proverbs 3: 5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”

4. God will give us what we need to live with His answer. It may not make sense to us at all but He is faithful, especially if the answer isn’t what we hoped it would be.

“For My grace is sufficient for you, My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Cor 12:9. When we pray, we are admitting our weakness and our desperate need for God because we are powerless on our own.

5.Trusting God when the answer is “no” or a completely different answer can knock the wind out of us and confuse us even more than ever. We have to set our hearts and our focus on the Giver (God alone) and on Jesus- not just the gift or the outcome.

Hebrews 12:2 says “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross and scorned its shame to sit at the right hand of God.”

Believe me, I’m writing these truths to myself! Our adoption process has taught me so much about God always answering our prayers, even if the answer isn’t what I thought it would be. A few weeks ago, we presented our profile and were waiting to hear back from the attorney. The wait time on this one was a little longer than normal and while waiting, we received another situation that needed a decision on presenting very soon. We can’t present to two situations at once and we knew that we would be hearing back from the first one pretty quickly. We wrestled on what to do if we weren’t chosen for the first situation. There’s a lot of things that I can’t share about it but trust me, when I say we wrestled about what to do. We realized that even if we could present to this second one, we probably weren’t the best fit for the situation. With every situation, we pray that God would provide the right family, even if it’s not us. A few days after we said no, I got on FB for a few minutes (on a FB break right now) and I saw a post from a friend of mine from high school who is also adopting- they had a possible match. I knew that they were using the same attorney and I immediately wondered if it was the same situation. I quickly messaged her and asked if this was the same situation and she said yes! In that moment, I realized that God had answered my prayers. This situation really needed a stay at home mom and my friend is that. I couldn’t be mad or upset just because the answer wasn’t what I wanted. God had answered my prayers for a family- it just wasn’t our family and that was okay. So I’m thanking God for answered prayers too.

The Hidden Gift

My son is fascinated with hidden treasure and pirates. For Christmas, several gifts he got were these blocks of stone (plaster of paris) where he had to chip away at it to find hidden treasure. He would sit and chip away slowly sometimes, other times he would get in a hurry and smash it with the mallet. Some of the rocks and jewels would come out easily and others would be a little harder to get out, buried deep in the layers of the rock. Chip, chip, blow the dust off, hammer, hammer, blow the dust off, repeat. It took a little while but eventually the tiny treasures would be loose. He would dip them in the water to rinse off the dust and then they would shine.

I was reminded of a sometimes hidden treasure in our lives: joy. Sometimes, joy is easily found- usually when things are going pretty well or there are happy times. Other times, joy is often buried deep beneath the layers of hard times, grief, loss, questioning life’s circumstances. I’ve always struggled with anxiety but the past few months, it’s been a little stronger than usual. Besides the struggles of every day life, throw in a pandemic and being in the middle of an adoption in the middle of a pandemic- struggle bus! I came across Psalm 94:19 two different times in the same day and I honestly don’t think I had ever read it before or at least taken the time to let the words sink in.

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19. NIV

When I think of consoling someone, it’s usually after a pain or loss. To console someone means to bring great comfort. When you are consoling someone, you are physically with them. You are in their presence. Anxiety is often displayed by physical reactions: headache, racing heart, sweaty palms, racing thoughts, etc. All these things are within us. It can make you feel very alone and isolated. If we look at this verse and apply it to real life anxiety, we are not alone. Whenever we feel anxiety, God is right there with us. I am in His presence. His presence and comfort alone brings joy and calms my anxious heart and mind.

James 1: 2-3 NIV says “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Notice that it says “when you face trials”, not if. Trials of life can’t be avoided, no matter how hard we try to avoid them. I think the key is how prepared we are for when they come and how we respond when they do come. Pure joy comes only from God- from resting and trusting in His promises. You can’t buy it, you can’t conjure it up, you can’t create it. You have to dig deep to find it. You have to chip away at the rock, knocking off big and little pieces. It means taking the time to let God sweep off the dust, and polish the treasure that lies beneath the layers of pain and trials. The treasure that is found becomes one of the greatest gifts: true joy.

Joy is a gift. It’s a gift that comes in different packaging, It’s also a treasure to be found. Treasure that is often buried beneath layers of pain, one that we may have to look closely to find because it’s buried in the ashes of broken dreams. We have to choose to receive the hidden gift that is joy- choosing to rejoice, even if it’s finding joy in the dark.

Walking the Path

I’m pretty sure that my son is part ninja. Almost every night at some point, he ends up in our bed. Most times, it’s a surprise to us because we don’t hear him enter our room or hear him climb into the bed. The first few times my husband and I were baffled as to how he did it. His bedroom is on the opposite side of the house so he has to make his way through the living room, kitchen and hallway to our bedroom and climb into our bed- IN THE DARK. (well except for the tv screen light.) One night, I caught him in action as he pulled himself up on the bed, crawled over me and then curled up in the middle (legs and elbows poking me the whole time!) I’m amazed at this because he’s created a little path and he knows the way, even in the dark and in his sleep.

I asked him the other day why he kept getting into our bed and he said “I was scared and I felt safe.” He knew the way to safety, to a place where he was loved. I have a clinical background in trauma and working with children from the “hard places.” A term that we talk about often is “felt safety.” It’s one thing for a child to know that they are safe: they have food, clothing, shelter, etc but an entirely different thing for them to feel safe. I saw this first hand with children who entered foster care. I worked at an emergency home and the first night and days there were rough. I would always make a point to get on their level and tell them that they had a roof over their head, food on the table, clean sheets, that someone would be here when they go to bed and when they wake up, and they were safe here. Yes, it was important that they heard it but they needed to feel it. Many times they learned to feel it by seeing it. They needed to see where they would eat, sleep, etc.

As I thought about my son’s response to my question, I realized that I’m just like him. How many times do I feel my way through the dark, trying to find my way to the safest place I can be- the arms of my Heavenly Father? So many times, I get lost. I can’t see past the circumstances that cloud my view, I get turned around because I’m listening to the wrong voices who try to give me directions, and I feel overwhelmed. There are many times when it feels like I’m walking in the dark. I keep walking the same path because I know where it leads.

Here’s the thing: I know where the path leads me or more importantly to Who. I’ve got a lamp to lead the way. (Psalm 119:105) I keep following the path to Jesus because not only do I know I’m safe but I feel safe. I know that our feelings can often lead us astray and aren’t 100% reliable, but feeling safe in the arms of Jesus is one thing that I know to be true.

I don’t know where you are today, but keep walking the path to Jesus, even if you have to walk it in the dark.

Run to the Father

Don't Walk Alone

I had no idea it’s been since July since I’ve posted! It’s been quite the change with school starting and my little one in kindergarten. I’ve had lots of blog post ideas but it’s been hard to get them out because of time and honestly, it’s just been a hard season.

We’re in the adoption process for baby #2 and this journey has been a long one that seems filled with one delay or setback after another. You name it, it’s happened. Despite the delays, God has proven Himself faithful time and time again. The most recent setback came with updating our homestudy. We found that we wouldn’t be able to use the same social worker who did our update and it would require switching to a different agency. It’s a long story but we ended up having to start entirely over with our new agency, which includes more expense and delays us being able to present to any potential adoption situations until everything is current. Last week was not a good week but God reminded me of how He speaks to us through other believers and our circumstances.

My husband and I have some dear friends, E and A, who have also adopted. A little backstory on how God ordains friendships. Nearly 10 years ago, I spoke at a church about adoption and foster care. E and A were there that Sunday. Fast forward a few years later and I’m attending church with my now husband and we end up in the same Sunday School class as E and A. She remembered hearing me speak years earlier. They were so supportive of our adoption journey and little did we know that at the time God was working in their hearts about adoption. We brought our son home and then 2 years later, they bring home their precious little boy. A and I have walked through some of the highest of highs and lowest of lows together with adoption.

I was talking with her last week about all that had been happening with our adoption. Well, talking and I was mostly crying. She was silent for a minute and then she said, “ I remember sitting across from someone in Starbucks when I had hit the wall with our adoption. She looked at me and told me that it was quite possible that our baby had not even been conceived yet and that God’s timing is perfect. I didn’t want to hear that at all but it was spoken from a place of great love and truth. So I’m turning the table and speaking those words to you. Maybe your baby isn’t even conceived yet.” I choked back the tears as I vividly remember that night at Starbucks. I was in awe that God would use the words that I spoke to someone to later comfort me.

I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 1: 3-7 (NIV): Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

God never wastes a hurt. He is the ultimate Comforter. He comforts us so that we can share the comfort that we’ve experience with others who need it. A and I had both experienced deep heartache and suffering. However we weren’t alone in our suffering. Not only was God with us in our pain, but He gave us the gift of each other. We were both able to help each other because one of us had walked aside the other and vice versa. I was able to give her hope because I had experienced first hand God moving mountains and seen how perfect His timing was. She was able to give me the same hope because she had walked the same road. We were never meant to walk life alone.

15 years

I was talking to my best friend from graduate school earlier this week and we realized that it was 15 years ago this summer that we walked across that stage with our Master’s in social work (MSW not MRS degree- we had both thought we would have been married at that time!) and jumped into the real world. I remember never being so glad to get a piece of paper in my life and didn’t care to read another book or write another paper ever.

I always knew I wanted to be a social worker and my call to ministry at age 17 confirmed that but I had no idea what that would look like. I knew that social work was a piece of that calling and I attempted to go to seminary after college but God made it very clear that was not part of His plan. I went to LSU and got my MSW, unsure of what to do next. Shortly after that, I packed up my bags and moved 200 miles away from home, not having any idea what the next 5, much less 15 years would look like. I took my first job at a state hospital in Monroe, LA and immediately wondered what I had gotten myself into- I was so green and naive! Because it was working for the state, I couldn’t share my faith openly with my patients. While working at the hospital, I began tutoring for the Louisiana Baptist Children’s Home. I tutored a little boy in 5th grade math, which is funny because if you know me, math is not my strong point at all. I soon learned that there was an opening for a social worker position and immediately applied. A few months later, I left the hospital and began working at the children’s home. It was truly my dream job- as a child, my church supported the children’s home and I always wanted to work there one day.

Looking back, I think I had this picture of ministry in my mind and it had to look a certain way. LBCH quickly changed that picture and I realized that ministry is real life, dealing with people and messy things, all while pointing to Jesus. I worked with children who had experienced trauma and often suffered because of poor choices of other people. I was able to do all kind of different things there and it ultimately led to finding my “sweet spot” in social work: adoption and foster care. I traveled overseas twice to help with orphanage work and got to be a part of the groundbreaking for a new ministry in Haiti. I stayed there for 12 years- so hard to leave because I literally grew up in that job: bought a house, met and married my husband, became a mom. I never expected to stay so long and it was so hard to leave but when you’re married to a pastor, you go where God says “Go.” (even if it means living in the middle of nowhere with cows for neighbors!)

Ministry looks different in every situation and in every season. It’s sitting on the floor of my office, singing “Jesus Loves Me” to a sweet little girl who had never heard those words and suffered physical abuse at the hands of her mother. It’s talking to an adoptive mother at 10pm reassuring her that their new baby boy was safe at the hospital and no one could just come take him. It’s sitting all day at the hospital with a foster parent as their foster child underwent major brain surgery. It’s sitting in a courtroom for four hours praying that God would reveal truth and the judge would make the right decision for an adoption. (and boy did He do a miracle that day!) It’s having an open couch so that teachers can just breathe and talk. It’s so many different things. It’s spending the afternoon crafting with a friend, just talking about life.

I have often asked myself “Is it worth it? You can go somewhere else and make way more money.” I certainly don’t do this for the money and God truly called me to it so I have to trust that He will provide. It isn’t about the money, the letters behind your name, the title or position. It’s about loving people right where they are and right where you are. So here’s to another 15 years!

The Enough Trap

The Enough Trap

This is one of the blog posts that has been rolling around in my head for a while but I wasn’t sure exactly how to write it, explain it, etc. However, the topic has come up in blog posts, pod casts, social media, etc so I figured that was the Holy Spirit’s way of gently nudging me to write it. 

Enough. Such a tiny little word but one holds so much impact in our lives, especially as women. Webster defines the word enough as “adequate, for the want or need, sufficient for the purpose or desire.” Let’s face it- we are bombarded on a daily basis with the reminders that we are not enough, we don’t have enough, and our inadequacies because we don’t have it all. 

The feelings of not being enough are not lost on me- it’s a constant battle. And if I’m honest, most days I don’t feel that I am enough. “Am I enough as a wife? Enough as a mom? Enough in my job, even when I don’t know what I’m doing??” Enough of what??

At the beginning of the year, I attended a women’s conference by myself (highly recommend doing this- it was a great way to recharge!) and I heard one of the speakers talk about this exact topic.  Lisa Seaton https://www.cityfirst.church/contributors/lisa-seaton/) talked about how because of God, we have everything that we need to live the abundant life. As she talked about this, the phrase “the enough trap” came to mind. It was a like the blinders came off and I could see clearly- the idea of being enough is a trap. It’s a trap that the enemy uses to keep us from living the life that God called us to live. The trap steals our joy, is the gateway to comparison (which is the thief of joy!) and paralyzes us into believing the lies that the enemy whispers into our ears. 

One verse that she used was 2 Peter 1:3 (NIV) “ His divine power has given us everything that we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” Everything. Nothing more and nothing less. I think sometimes we forget that if we are believers in Christ, we have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of us. The Spirit enables us to live the abundant life in Christ. 

The truth is: we will never be enough. We are human, we live in a fallen world and it’s a constant battle against the flesh. John 15: 5 says (NIV) says: “I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me, you can do nothing.” When we strive to fit into a completely unrealistic mold of being enough, we are not fully depending on the Lord. Instead, we’re relying on our own strength, our own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6) and our selves. And we fail every.single.time. 

So how do we get out of the “enough trap”? 

1. Recognize that we are human and without Jesus, we are nothing. ( see John 15:5)

2. Look at your measuring stick. What are you using to measure “being enough?” We all know that most of what people post on social media are just the highlight reels and not real life. Check your social media feeds- who you’re following, what posts you read, etc. If it’s leading you into the enough trap, turn around. Unfollow them, hide the posts, whatever you need to do. Comparison is the thief of joy.

3. Have an attitude of gratitude.   The antidote to comparison is gratitude. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 tells us to “give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” It says in all things and not for all things. It’s hard to be thankful in the middle of trials and hard stuff, but that’s what we’re commanded to do.

4. Ask God to change your heart. This is something that only God can do and it really is the key to getting out of the enough trap. I know I struggle with really being honest with God because part of me is like “He knows my heart, He knows it all anyway.” This is true but God desires for us to be in relationship with Him and an important part of any relationship is communication. 

   There’s a worship song that I first heard in college and it’s still one of my favorites. It’s called “Enough” by Chris Tomlin. 

Here’s the first verse: 

All of You is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need, You satisfy me with Your love. And all I have in You is more than enough.

So let’s remember that in Him, we have all that we need. He is enough. 

A letter to the graduate...20 years later

It’s that time of year- graduations! My little one just graduated from preschool and seriously, time does fly. It seems like yesterday, I was rocking him to sleep and now he’s about to be in “big boy school.” My 20th high school reunion is this year- now I feel really old. As I was thinking back to the Class of 1999, I thought about how scary graduation was for me. Yes, it was an exciting time, but I was terrified of the future. Probably because I had no idea what it would look like (I’m a planner and love the predictable.) So I thought I would write a letter to my 18 year old self.

Dear Ashley,

Well, you made it to graduation. You’re terrified and excited all at once. That’s okay. You’ll survive the first week of college, even if you were in tears most of the time. You’ll make that frantic phone call to your mom saying “I don’t look like I should be in college. I don’t feel like I should be in college. Why am I here??” You’ll go to free lunch at the BCM that first week and burst into tears when two girls ask you how you’re doing. Those 2 girls- they’ll become some of your closest friends in college and you’ll make so many memories. The first semester will be ROUGH- full of change, loss and trying to find your way. You threaten to quit so many times but by the time you get to college Algebra- you make an A and secretly thank Mrs. Williams for making you take Algebra II twice. You begin to have a relationship with Jesus that is yours- it’s not riding on the coattails of anyone else’s faith. You’ll have experiences first hand with God that will forever change your life. You’ll discover your calling for social work and adoption in an unlikely place- the summer that you deemed the ‘worst summer of your life.” That list of goals that you made right before you graduated- you’ll reach every single one of them but it’s not easy or quickly. Some are years in the making. It’s worth it, I promise. You’ll fall in love with missions and see ministry as a lifestyle. You’ll meet some people that will pour into your life and you’re never the same. You’ll graduate college with honors (but you had to learn how to study!) and you’ll have no idea about where you’ll go to grad school- you’ll see God clearly reveal it and open doors. Walk through them. You’ll eventually live with in a house with 6 other girls and swear that you will never have roommates again. You’ll take a random subway trip in Boston to watch the Red Sox and yankees play. You’ll laugh and cry and laugh some more. But here’s the thing: you’ll survive. You’ll make it. You’ll figure out exactly what it is that God has for your life one step at a time. Just remember to wear really comfortable shoes on your first day of college- those cute sandals are going to kill your feet!

Love,

Ashley- 20 years down the road.

All that they need

For as long as I could remember, all I wanted to be was a wife and a mom. I had other dreams too but these two topped the list. The paths to both of these dreams were not easy.

I didn’t get married until I was 31. By that time, I had decided I was going to get married when I was 80 or become a Baptist nun. Becoming a mom was not an easy road either. Infertility stamped itself in my story very early in our marriage. We began the adoption process in January 2014 and our son arrived in May 2014- 2 days before my birthday! I can remember when we arrived at my parents’ house from the hospital- I looked at my mom and said “They let us leave the hospital with a baby. What in the world are we doing?” I spent the first year of motherhood questioning what in the world I was doing (and not realizing at the time that I was struggling with post adoption depression- there is a such thing!)

I clearly remember my first Mother’s day. M was weeks away from turning 1 and we had survived the first year. We were at the beach with my parents and I was laying in the bed, crying because I was so grateful for this little boy but feeling so overwhelmed with the responsibility of shaping him for the next 18 years. I’m not sure exactly what I prayed but I felt the Lord whisper to my heart, “Just point him to Jesus.” Simple but powerful words. That’s our jobs as moms.

I’m sure that I’m not alone in feeling overwhelmed at the task of motherhood. Today’s society doesn’t help things either- so many things are put in front of us as the “right way” to do this parenthood thing. Read this book, buy this gadget, try this method. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve bought into it a few times. It allows for comparison to sneak in, which is the ultimate thief of joy and gratitude. I have some friends who are amazing birthday party planners for their children- just the thought of it makes me anxious. For me, the simpler the better. I have other friends who always seem to be having these fun adventures with their children. For us, an adventure is a fishing trip or a walk in the yard going on an adventure. None of these things are wrong- it’s different for everyone.

There are days when I don’t feel like I’m enough as a mom. I feel guilty because I work all day and then when I get home, there’s more stuff to be done. I feel like I don’t spend enough time teaching him things- even though he’s learning tons in preschool. There’s always the urge to do more with our kids, to be more. The reality is that God has given us all that we need to parent the children that He gave us. He is enough for us. His grace is sufficient for us in our weakness- which includes temper tantrums, potty training, diaper explosions and sleepless nights. (2 Corinthians 12:9) All of it. As moms, we are what they need. Let’s not forget that.

Hope

Almost 8 years ago, I got a tattoo. I was turning 30, still single and for the first time in that season, really enjoying and living in it. I wanted something to mark that milestone but also to remind me of God’s faithfulness in my life. I chose the word “hope". The design was simple but to me it signified the thread of hope that God had woven throughout my life.

Recently, I came across a scripture about hope and it really got my wheels turning. Romans 4 talks a lot about Abraham and his faith as he waited God’s promises to be fulfilled. I came across a passage that I had probably read a hundred times before but this time, it stirred something deep inside me.

“Against ALL (emphasis mine) hope, Abraham , in hope, believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “Your offspring be.” Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead since he was about 100 years old and Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet, he did not waiver through unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what He promised.” Romans 4:18-21 (NIV)

Abraham had both faith and hope. The definition of faith is complete trust in God. The definition of hope is to desire something with confident expectation of it’s fulfillment. The first part of the verse says that “against all hope, Abraham in hope believed.” Against all hope might as well be translated to against human odds and standards. Many times, our circumstances feel hopeless. No way out, no solution. Abraham believed with hope that God would fulfill the promise.

Abraham never weakened in his faith or waiver through unbelief. He had a choice- trust God or not. Trusting in God actually strengthened his faith. One thing that stood out to me in this passage was that it described Abraham “as good as dead” and Sarah’s womb as dead. “Good as dead” means that something might as well be dead, it’s old or doesn’t work anymore- but there was still a slim chance it could. What struck me was that Sarah’s womb was described as dead. No chance of carrying life. Talk about truly trusting that God could bring life from something that was dead.

While studying this passage, something else struck me. Faith (trust in God) leads to hope (confidence that God will keep His promises). You can’t have hope if you don’t have faith. It made sense to me now why in 1 Corinthians 13 the “love chapter” that says these three remain, faith is listed first. Faith is the foundation for trust, the foundation for hope. Faith and hope go hand in hand.

There are so many situations where all hope seems lost. I heard a quote from someone who went through hospice care with her family members: “As long as there is breath, there is hope.” As believers, the Holy Spirit is inside of us- the air we breathe. Hope is in us. Hebrews 6:19 says that "…we have this hope as anchor.” This anchor of hope is a promise of God’s faithfulness. As the hymn “My Hope is Built on Nothing Less” says, “My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness. “

Legacy

For as long as i can remember, I’ve always loved to help people. I knew I wanted to be a social worker when I entered high school. I can also remember telling my guidance counselor that I wanted a career that involved the least amount of math and science (God laughed- I ended up having to take science major biology and human anatomy- but I survived!) There were a few times in college that I thought about changing my major, but there was nothing else that I could see myself doing. Being in a helping profession is certainly a calling and takes a lot of faith for God to provide- you certainly don’t choose it for the money.

I had my life planned out for when I graduated college. I was not one of those “ring by spring” girls- although I sure thought I would be. I was very involved in the BCM (Baptist Collegiate Ministries). It played such a huge role in my life and shaping my faith while I was in college. It helped prepare me for ministry today. I made some life long friends and have so many wonderful memories. I thought for sure that I would meet my husband in college at the BCM- nope. Now don’t get me wrong, I made some great guy friends there. I used to think if only I could take qualities from different ones and put them all together in one guy, I’d be set. :)

I had many “Ebenezer” or remembrance moments while in BCM. One stands out in particular. It was the last worship service of my spring senior semester. Our BCM president, Joe, preached the sermon that night. He was talking about priorities. He said that something that I can still hear in my head to this day. “God should not be a priority but the page that we write our priorities on.” As the band played, those words rolled around in my head. I heard the Lord speak to my heart (not audibly but one of the few times that it was so clear He was speaking to me.) “Fifty years from now, it’s not going to matter who you marry or how many letters you have behind your name. All that matters is how you lived your life for me.” Tears flowed as I realized that it’s not always easy to give God the pen much less the paper to write the story. It didn’t matter that I wouldn’t get married until nearly 10 years later or that I had a master’s degree and letters behind my name. What would matter is how I lived my life for the Lord in between those things happening and in the days to come.

Story behind the Verse

When thinking about this blog-my vision, heart behind it- I wanted a verse that would capture it all. I came back to a verse that I have clung to (sometimes for dear life!) since I was a freshman in college in 1999. Psalm 118:17: “I will not die, but live and tell of what the Lord has done.”

Tragedy brought me to this verse, but I’m thankful for the journey that it took me on (and continues to do) - even though it took a VERY long time to get to the thankfulness part. Here’s the condensed version(because it’s really long and it includes a lot of things that are extremely personal but if you know me in real life, you’ve probably heard the story.)

During my first semester of college, I lost someone who was a very important part of my life in a freak work accident. Life as I planned changed forever with one phone call and all I was left with were the pieces of my shattered dreams. I don’t really remember much of the days and weeks afterwards, except that they were painful, raw and hard. This was my first real experience with grief. The grief and pain were intense- I could best describe as feeling like the air had been sucked out of the room. I hurt in a such way that I didn’t think was possible . Well meaning (but poor choice and bad timing) words by people meant to comfort me instead made me angry. I was hurting and I wanted everyone around me to feel half as bad as I did- just so they would know. Anger and bitterness came in and began to take up permanent residence in my heart. Then one day, it was like the fog had lifted and I had a moment of clarity. I could choose to be bitter about this or I could allow God to make be better from it.

One Wednesday night that semester, I had gone to a college Bible study at a local church. I don’t even remember what the lesson was on but that was the night that I read Psalm 118:17 for the very first time. It was balm to my broken heart. For the first time in months, I had hope. Hope that I was not going to live in grief forever and that even though the grief and pain were almost unbearable at times, the Lord was with me and He was going to redeem this somehow.

That verse became my anthem as I moved forward in life. It is still my anthem today, nearly 20 years later. It has carried me through some of my darkest times. “ I will not die but live and tell of what the Lord has done” was tattooed on my heart. There were times when I questioned what God was doing, where the good was in all this (Romans 8:28) and how He would redeem this.

It took a really long time to come to a place of acceptance but I learned that God is so much bigger than my shattered dreams. He met me in my brokenness and ashes but refused to leave me there. Music always speaks to me and I tend to think “musically”- I can always relate to songs. “Heal the Wound” by Point of Grace reminds me of God’s faithfulness to me during this time (and even now). One particular line stands out to me:

“But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem, heal the wound but leave the scar.”

I’m so thankful that God does not waste one single thing that happens in our lives. ONE SINGLE THING. The good, the bad and the really ugly- nothing is wasted. He will use our circumstances to refine us, to shape us, to mold us to look more like Him. We just have to let him.

On Being Obedient

Nearly 10 years ago, I began blogging as a way of documenting the lessons that God was teaching me in the season of singleness. I love to look back at it and see how God answered all those prayers in ways that only He could and the lessons that I learned. I took a blogging break after meeting and marrying my wonderful husband. I picked up blogging again as we journeyed through infertility, adoption and becoming parents- we became parents with 12 hours notice! When our son was about 4 months old, my husband and I went through a really long and difficult season that lasted about 3 years- one that we’re finally out of and into a new one. I stopped blogging and writing- partly because I had a case of “mommy brain” and that my true feelings and emotions were so raw that it was best not to display them on the world wide web.

I waited a really long time to be a wife and a mom- a road that wasn’t easy but one that I wouldn’t trade for the world. Somewhere along the way, I “lost” my sense of self- my days were spent loving and meeting the needs of my people and with my job- the needs of others. I’ve heard that this is common with moms. I needed something that was for me, but also brought me joy. I read somewhere that if you’ve forgotten your passions, you should reflect on the things of your childhood and what brought you joy, what interested in you, etc. As I look back, for me those things were writing and books. I devoured books constantly but thanks to college and graduate school, I didn’t care if I ever read another book. I would fill notebooks with stories. I have journaled off and on throughout the years and I still love a pretty journal or notebook (just ask my husband! Target does not help this addiction at all!) I also love to speak to groups. Through my job as an adoption social worker, I spoke to churches and various groups about foster care, adoption, orphan care and how they can be involved. Looking back, I see how God was using all of those things to move me into this next season.

About a two yeas ago, the Lord began to nudge me (well, more like a gentle shove!) about telling my story. Really telling it- the good, the bad and the ugly. I didn't do anything with it at first- I came up with every excuse in the book. "No one wants to hear it, I don't have anything to say, I'm not sure how to do it." It wouldn't go away. In fact, it got stronger. I took some baby steps towards that calling but didn’t really pursue it fully. Finally, I took the plunge and here I am. Here’s what I’ve learned: delayed obedience is still disobedience. God has given me a voice, a story to tell. One that points to Him, that points others to Him. So here's the first step in being obedient- telling my story. I don't have a set format for this site/blog and I’m learning as I go- but I do know this: it will tell the story that God is writing day by day and encourage others to do the same. So here’s to new seasons and being obedient.