He is ABLE

I’ve been doing a Bible study on the book of Luke by Erica Wiggenhorn called Unexplainable on the life of Jesus and it’s opening my eyes to so many things about God’s character. As I was studying this morning, I had flashbacks to GA camp and the lines of a song: “My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there’s nothing my God cannot do.”

I’ve always known that God is able to do anything, but how many times do I really believe it? The Greek word for able is “dunami” and it means to have power, to be able to do something, to be capable. 2 Cor 9:8 says “And God is able to bless you abundantly so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.” Ephesians 3:20 says “For He is able to do incredibly more than we can ask or imagine, according to His work within us.” God is more than capable of meeting our needs.

God is always a God of action- He is never not moving, never not at work, never still. (He doesn’t even sleep!) God will meet our needs- notice I said needs and not wants. He only wants the best for us and truly knows our heart’s desires. God has the ability- He is able to give me abundantly of what I need so that I’m never without what I need in and out of every season. I’m so thankful for His grace- that He is able to do for me what I cannot. If I could do it, I wouldn’t need Him.

I had to ask myself a few hard questions. Maybe you need to ask the same ones too.

1. What am I believing that God is able to do for me?

2. Do I truly believe (without fear or doubt) that He can do it?

3. Will I trust His sovereignty and goodness if the answer isn’t my answer?

I have to believe that He is able to do what I need Him to do and what I ask Him to do, but I have to be willing to trust Him with the outcome and everything in between.

So what are you believing that God is able to do? What do you need Him to do? Rest in the promise that He is faithful and He is able.

The God Who Goes Before Me

I’m not sure what week (I think it’s week 8?) or what day (maybe 1,575??) we are on this quarantine. It’s been an interesting season for sure. I know that no one expected to be in this season but I certainly didn’t expect to be in the middle of our adoption and a global pandemic at the same time. Emotions are already running high and are all over the place but adoption has another layer of emotions.

We’ve presented our profile book to expectant mothers three times since the quarantine. The waiting to hear back is brutal. The first two situations were full of emotions because if we were chosen, both situations would have required travel fairly quickly and were right at the beginning of everything shutting down. We presented most recently last week. For the last one, the baby wasn’t due until the end of August. As we waited to hear back from this situation, we did a lot of praying. Praying for the expectant mama, for her baby and above all, for God’s will to be done. I can’t explain it other than God but we had such peace about this situation- probably more than ever before with any other one we’ve seen.

Thursday was just a HARD day. I had hit the wall emotionally with the quarantine, trying to homeschool, work, my husband was working extra hours that week plus waiting to hear if we had been chosen or not. Thursday afternoon, my son and I were having meltdowns- we couldn’t find the remote to the tv or the tablet, he was tired and I was emotionally exhausted. He fell asleep and I just cried- no real reason why, just the weight of everything.

I kept thinking about the amount of peace that I had felt that week about this situation. I turned to read John 16:33 where Jesus was talking to His disciples: “ I have you told these things so that in Me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world.” I then read John 14:27: “My peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.” There was such comfort in the words of Jesus. Peace not as the world understands or gives, but a deep peace that surpasses all understanding. (Phil 4:7)

A few minutes later, I checked my email to see if our consultant had heard anything from the attorney. There was an email from her saying that another family had been chosen. Tears flowed and flowed. However, there was that unmistakeable peace that had been there all week. Then it hit me: God had gone before me, preparing the way. You see, He was the one that gave our hearts such a tremendous amount of peace in the days leading up to this. The Holy Spirit lead me to turn to those words in John just a few minutes earlier. Yes, there was a raw feeling of emotion but God’s kindness and care was so tangible in that moment- I could feel His kindness and love. He knew exactly what was going to happen with the outcome so He went before me, preparing the way with the peace that only He could give. He knew that I would need to read those verses about peace and I would need peace so He began planting the seeds of peace ahead of time.

Deuteronomy 31:8 says “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Again, the kindness of the Lord. I didn’t have to be afraid or discouraged (even though there was disappointment.) I’m so thankful for the God who goes before me. So whatever road you’re on, no matter how long or painful it is, remember that you aren’t walking a path where God has not already walked before you.

Waiting

I’ve really got to get better at using this little space of mine- this is one of my goals while we’re on COVID-19 quarantine. School is out until mid April so I’m working from home and “home schooling” my kindergartner- I have such a great appreciation for teachers and those who homeschool!

Waiting seems to be the common theme in our life today. Waiting for the curve to flatten, waiting until life resumes some sense of normalcy (I have a feeling that this is going to give a new definition of normal), waiting for the next thing. Waiting often comes with a weight- usually we’re waiting for a burden to be lifted. Honestly, it seems like the past few years has been filled with waiting for my family- waiting to move, waiting on jobs, waiting on the adoption.

As much as I don’t like to wait, I think there are some lessons to be learned in the season of waiting.

1. We are commanded to wait on the Lord. In fact, the phrase “wait on the Lord” is mentioned in the Bible at least 40 times!! If something is important to know, it’s usually repeated. It’s how things are learned- by repetition. Psalm 27:13-14 (NIV) I remain confident in this, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

2. We aren’t to be weak in our waiting. What I mean by this is that while we are waiting, we are to find our strength from the Lord and nothing else. That’s the only way that we can make it in the waiting. God will give us the strength to endure the “weight of the waiting”. (Isaiah 40:29)

3. Waiting isn’t passive. Just because God is calling us to wait, it doesn’t mean that we’re off the hook for doing anything.

4. God still requires action from us while we wait.

   We are to pray without ceasing. (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

   We are to rejoice. Rejoice in times of suffering, times of joy. (1 Thessalonians 5:16, James 1:2-3)

   We are to remain faithful. (Hebrews 11: 6) Our waiting is just for a season. Now, some seasons may be longer than others, but just like summer in the South doesn’t last forever, seasons end.

5. God meets our needs in the waiting, even when we become weary. (Jeremiah 31:25, Isaiah 40: 29-31) He gives strength when we need it the most.

I don’t know what season of waiting you’re in, but just know that you aren’t alone in the season and it won’t last forever. Don’t waste the waiting- I promise there’s a lot that God wants to teach us!

Remember

I love a good journal (which is why I have to stay away from Target- they have the best journals!) I have quite a few laying around- many half written. I was cleaning out one of the closets last week and found 2 journals from about 15 years ago. I thumbed through one of them and read about moving away from home after graduate school and learning how to navigate life in the real world- the reality show that never ends. I was reminded of how God provided for everything that I needed during that time from finding a place to live in one day, making friendships and finding a church that would up being my home for the next twelve years.

The second journal was from 2008- what a year that was. I was 27 and STILL single. I was certain that by that time, I would have been married by then. At that point, my life looked nothing like I had planned. I was desperate to get married and had bought into the lie that my life didn’t really begin until I was married. I had gone on bad blind date after blind date- I began to question if my friends really knew me at all! In October 2008, I was able to travel to Croatia on a mission trip with about six weeks notice. I had no idea what God was doing but when I got that phone call about the trip, I knew I needed to just say yes. That trip changed my life in so many ways and was the turning point of trusting God with my singleness and living life in the moment. Right before the trip, I had met someone through mutual friends. It was the closest thing to “finding the one” that I had in a really long time. Looking back, I truly thought I was going to marry him but instead it lead me on a journey of truly seeking the Lord and trusting Him that He would bring my husband to me in His time. The relationship ended abruptly without much warning and I was devastated. I remember telling him on the phone that I hoped he figured out what he needed to but that I was not going to wait around for him. I was going to live my life. It would be three years later that I would meet my husband, but those 3 years were such a sweet time (painful at times) of trusting the Lord and waiting on Him.

As I read back on the entries, I realized that I only thought I knew what I wanted when I was in that relationship and praying that God would answer those prayers. However, God knew exactly what He was doing and what I needed. I truly have everything that I had prayed for and then some, it just looks a little different than what I had planned.

It’s important to remember- to look at where we were and where God has moved us now. Not only do we remember the blessings and the joys, we also remember the hard things, the pain, the trials and the grief. I think we often forget to see how God moved through the painful times because well, they’re exactly that-painful and hard. So let’s pull out the journals of our hearts and do some remembering.

“I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes your miracles of long ago. I will consider all of your works and meditate on your mighty deeds.” Psalm 77:11-12

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9TE8D5Vs8k

The Year of Less

I have got to get better about posting here! It’s been very hit or miss with posting and that is not what I intended for this space- hopefully that will change this year.

I’m not big on New Year’s resolutions, mainly because they fail 80% of the time and then I usually have this wake up moment 6 months into the year and remember my resolutions. I’ve also done a word of the year the past few years. Last year was intentional. I had set a few goals with that: intentional with family, my walk with the Lord, my health. The biggest result of being intentional was with my health- with the reality of blood pressure medicine at 37, I realized that something had to change. I made some pretty drastic lifestyle changes with the help of a health coach and lost 30 pounds! I still ended up having to be on blood pressure medication (thank you family history and a stressful job!) but overall, I feel so much better.

I wanted going into 2020 to be different this year, especially because I know that I’m wrapping up my 30’s and 40 is quickly approaching for my husband and me (but he gets there first this year- I have another year!) All of my grandparents lived well into their 80’s and I know that we never know how long we’ll live, but it’s quite possible I’ll live past 80 if Jesus doesn’t come back first. So I’ve essentially lived half of my life. As I was reflecting on the last decade, I realized that there was a lot of life and living packed into ten years and really into the last 30.

I’ve been thinking about how I wanted to end my 30’s and enter the next half of my life. The word “less” kept coming to mind. I know that minimalism is the all the rage now and believe me, there are times when I want to just get rid of all the stuff in my house. However, I began thinking outside the box of “less.” To have less to have more of what really matters.

Less and More

• worrying and anxiety, more praying and faith

• checking out on social media, more focused on the people right in front of me

• distracted living, more being present in my life- I don’t want to miss anything!

• buying stuff, more being content with what I have

• complaining and griping, more gratitude and joy

• listening to the world, more of really listening to the Lord

I could go on and on but you get the picture. Life is too short to be focused on the more. A few days after Christmas, I saw on FB where a friend of mine passed away suddenly. I literally lost my breath for a minute when I saw her husband’s post. They were cottage parents at one time at the children’s home where I used to work and we both had a passion for foster care and adoption- they had adopted a sibling group from foster care. I have loved reading Joseph’s posts on FB about Stephanie and her faith. Their family was planning to go full time living in an RV, traveling the country and homeschooling. They were planning to put their house on the market a few weeks after she passed away and had literally sold almost everything they owned. Now a father was having to start over with 4 children- living a life that none of them had planned. Talk about living with less, but really living with so much more- the hope of Jesus Christ.

John 3:30 says “He must become greater, I must become less.” I’ve been reminded through this verse that less really is more.

Don't Walk Alone

I had no idea it’s been since July since I’ve posted! It’s been quite the change with school starting and my little one in kindergarten. I’ve had lots of blog post ideas but it’s been hard to get them out because of time and honestly, it’s just been a hard season.

We’re in the adoption process for baby #2 and this journey has been a long one that seems filled with one delay or setback after another. You name it, it’s happened. Despite the delays, God has proven Himself faithful time and time again. The most recent setback came with updating our homestudy. We found that we wouldn’t be able to use the same social worker who did our update and it would require switching to a different agency. It’s a long story but we ended up having to start entirely over with our new agency, which includes more expense and delays us being able to present to any potential adoption situations until everything is current. Last week was not a good week but God reminded me of how He speaks to us through other believers and our circumstances.

My husband and I have some dear friends, E and A, who have also adopted. A little backstory on how God ordains friendships. Nearly 10 years ago, I spoke at a church about adoption and foster care. E and A were there that Sunday. Fast forward a few years later and I’m attending church with my now husband and we end up in the same Sunday School class as E and A. She remembered hearing me speak years earlier. They were so supportive of our adoption journey and little did we know that at the time God was working in their hearts about adoption. We brought our son home and then 2 years later, they bring home their precious little boy. A and I have walked through some of the highest of highs and lowest of lows together with adoption.

I was talking with her last week about all that had been happening with our adoption. Well, talking and I was mostly crying. She was silent for a minute and then she said, “ I remember sitting across from someone in Starbucks when I had hit the wall with our adoption. She looked at me and told me that it was quite possible that our baby had not even been conceived yet and that God’s timing is perfect. I didn’t want to hear that at all but it was spoken from a place of great love and truth. So I’m turning the table and speaking those words to you. Maybe your baby isn’t even conceived yet.” I choked back the tears as I vividly remember that night at Starbucks. I was in awe that God would use the words that I spoke to someone to later comfort me.

I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 1: 3-7 (NIV): Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

God never wastes a hurt. He is the ultimate Comforter. He comforts us so that we can share the comfort that we’ve experience with others who need it. A and I had both experienced deep heartache and suffering. However we weren’t alone in our suffering. Not only was God with us in our pain, but He gave us the gift of each other. We were both able to help each other because one of us had walked aside the other and vice versa. I was able to give her hope because I had experienced first hand God moving mountains and seen how perfect His timing was. She was able to give me the same hope because she had walked the same road. We were never meant to walk life alone.

Nothing But the Blood

I love it when Scripture comes alive and you see things all of sudden click. I had a moment like this last week and it reminded me of how easily we make things more complicated than they have to be because we try so hard to understand it through our flawed human eyes. The revelation was so simple that I wanted to laugh but then was so thankful at how God designed things. 

Before Jesus’ death on the cross, a blood sacrifice was required for the forgiveness of sin. There were some very specific requirements of the sacrifice: pure, no blemish, first born, etc. A few years ago my husband and I traveled to Asia for a mission trip. At the beginning of our week, the pastor and church members slaughtered a goat as a way of welcoming us and this would be used for our meals for the rest of the week. I remember the pastor explaining the purpose of a sacrifice and the truth of Isaiah 53:7 suddenly became alive like never before: 

“He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before its shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth.” (NIV)

As I was reading last week about Jesus and His ultimate sacrifice on the cross, I began to realize the importance of blood in our lives- physical and spiritual. Our body needs blood to survive. Every cell, every organ, every bodily function depends on our bodies having enough blood supply. If a serious injury occurs and too much blood is lost, death is certain. Our bodies simply have to have it to survive. Having blood flowing through our veins proves that we are alive. 

Just like our physical lives depend on blood, our spiritual lives depend on blood as well. Hebrews 9:22 (NIV) says: “In fact, the law requires that nearly everything be cleansed with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” For the forgiveness of sin, there has to be a sacrifice. Leviticus 17:11 (NIV) says: “It is the blood that makes atonement for one’s life.” Our sins are washed as white as snow because of Jesus’ blood. Our sins are forgiven and we are made whole by His stripes. (Isaiah 53:5). Because of the blood that Jesus shed, no other sacrifice is required for salvation or forgiveness of sins. The blood covers it all. 

I love the words of the old hymn “Nothing But the Blood.

”What can wash away my sin?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus;

What can make me whole again?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Oh! precious is the flow

That makes me white as snow;

No other fount I know,

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

For my pardon, this I see,

Nothing but the blood of Jesus;

For my cleansing this my plea,

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYjhGeAIG6k

15 years

I was talking to my best friend from graduate school earlier this week and we realized that it was 15 years ago this summer that we walked across that stage with our Master’s in social work (MSW not MRS degree- we had both thought we would have been married at that time!) and jumped into the real world. I remember never being so glad to get a piece of paper in my life and didn’t care to read another book or write another paper ever.

I always knew I wanted to be a social worker and my call to ministry at age 17 confirmed that but I had no idea what that would look like. I knew that social work was a piece of that calling and I attempted to go to seminary after college but God made it very clear that was not part of His plan. I went to LSU and got my MSW, unsure of what to do next. Shortly after that, I packed up my bags and moved 200 miles away from home, not having any idea what the next 5, much less 15 years would look like. I took my first job at a state hospital in Monroe, LA and immediately wondered what I had gotten myself into- I was so green and naive! Because it was working for the state, I couldn’t share my faith openly with my patients. While working at the hospital, I began tutoring for the Louisiana Baptist Children’s Home. I tutored a little boy in 5th grade math, which is funny because if you know me, math is not my strong point at all. I soon learned that there was an opening for a social worker position and immediately applied. A few months later, I left the hospital and began working at the children’s home. It was truly my dream job- as a child, my church supported the children’s home and I always wanted to work there one day.

Looking back, I think I had this picture of ministry in my mind and it had to look a certain way. LBCH quickly changed that picture and I realized that ministry is real life, dealing with people and messy things, all while pointing to Jesus. I worked with children who had experienced trauma and often suffered because of poor choices of other people. I was able to do all kind of different things there and it ultimately led to finding my “sweet spot” in social work: adoption and foster care. I traveled overseas twice to help with orphanage work and got to be a part of the groundbreaking for a new ministry in Haiti. I stayed there for 12 years- so hard to leave because I literally grew up in that job: bought a house, met and married my husband, became a mom. I never expected to stay so long and it was so hard to leave but when you’re married to a pastor, you go where God says “Go.” (even if it means living in the middle of nowhere with cows for neighbors!)

Ministry looks different in every situation and in every season. It’s sitting on the floor of my office, singing “Jesus Loves Me” to a sweet little girl who had never heard those words and suffered physical abuse at the hands of her mother. It’s talking to an adoptive mother at 10pm reassuring her that their new baby boy was safe at the hospital and no one could just come take him. It’s sitting all day at the hospital with a foster parent as their foster child underwent major brain surgery. It’s sitting in a courtroom for four hours praying that God would reveal truth and the judge would make the right decision for an adoption. (and boy did He do a miracle that day!) It’s having an open couch so that teachers can just breathe and talk. It’s so many different things. It’s spending the afternoon crafting with a friend, just talking about life.

I have often asked myself “Is it worth it? You can go somewhere else and make way more money.” I certainly don’t do this for the money and God truly called me to it so I have to trust that He will provide. It isn’t about the money, the letters behind your name, the title or position. It’s about loving people right where they are and right where you are. So here’s to another 15 years!

The God Who Sees

At the core of every human being is the need to be seen, to be fully known, valued and loved. We seek to have this need fulfilled by human standards. This can often lead to a vicious and unhealthy cycle and poor choices. We look for it in marriage, friendships, dating relationships, the pursuit of success, etc. The truth is that only God can truly fill this need (I absolutely believe that He can use marriage and relationships to show Himself to us but only He can truly meet the need and fill the void.) 

There’s someone else who had the same core need to be seen and known- Hagar. A brief background on Hagar: she was the Hebrew slave girl that Sarah gave to Abraham in Sarah’s attempt to bear Abraham a child. (Genesis  16 ). Hagar became pregnant and despised Sarah. Sarah blamed Abraham and Abraham told Sarah to handle the situation. Sarah mistreated Hagar and Hagar fled. Hagar soon found herself wandering in the desert- alone, tired and pregnant. The only thing she found was a spring of water . The Lord sent an angel to find Hagar and the angel spoke to Hagar about the child she was carrying.  God found Hagar in the desert- He saw truly saw her: her heart, her need, who she was. Genesis 16:13 -14(NIV) says “She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: You are the God who sees me for she said “I have now seen the One who sees me.” That is why the well was called Beer Lahai Roi..” Beer Lahai Roi means “well of the Living One who sees me.” From this we get the Hebrew name for God- El Roi: the God who sees. 

Life is hard, even when things may be going good. Maybe I should rephrase that and say living life is hard. Living the life that God has called us to live daily. I often find myself asking God , “Do you really see me? Do you really know me?” Deep down, I know that He does but sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. Recently, God reminded me that He really does see me. It came through people who probably didn’t even realize the impact and significance of a small gesture. One was a text message from a friend that just said that she was thinking about me and missed me. Another was a Facebook message from another friend sharing with me something that God had laid on her heart to tell me- it could not have come at a better time and the words were exactly what I needed to hear. Then I got a text message from a friend wanting to meet for coffee. These were simple yet tangible reminders to me that God does see me- He knows me, knows my heart and knows the things that I don’t even know about myself- after all, He created me. The artist always knows their creation. 

I don’t know where you are today. You could be like Hagar and are on your own journey through the wilderness- a journey that may include loneliness, suffering and pain. You could be like me- living everyday life but needing a little reminder of God’s love for you. No matter where you are or what you are facing, trust that God is “El Roi” and that He sees you. 

The Enough Trap

The Enough Trap

This is one of the blog posts that has been rolling around in my head for a while but I wasn’t sure exactly how to write it, explain it, etc. However, the topic has come up in blog posts, pod casts, social media, etc so I figured that was the Holy Spirit’s way of gently nudging me to write it. 

Enough. Such a tiny little word but one holds so much impact in our lives, especially as women. Webster defines the word enough as “adequate, for the want or need, sufficient for the purpose or desire.” Let’s face it- we are bombarded on a daily basis with the reminders that we are not enough, we don’t have enough, and our inadequacies because we don’t have it all. 

The feelings of not being enough are not lost on me- it’s a constant battle. And if I’m honest, most days I don’t feel that I am enough. “Am I enough as a wife? Enough as a mom? Enough in my job, even when I don’t know what I’m doing??” Enough of what??

At the beginning of the year, I attended a women’s conference by myself (highly recommend doing this- it was a great way to recharge!) and I heard one of the speakers talk about this exact topic.  Lisa Seaton https://www.cityfirst.church/contributors/lisa-seaton/) talked about how because of God, we have everything that we need to live the abundant life. As she talked about this, the phrase “the enough trap” came to mind. It was a like the blinders came off and I could see clearly- the idea of being enough is a trap. It’s a trap that the enemy uses to keep us from living the life that God called us to live. The trap steals our joy, is the gateway to comparison (which is the thief of joy!) and paralyzes us into believing the lies that the enemy whispers into our ears. 

One verse that she used was 2 Peter 1:3 (NIV) “ His divine power has given us everything that we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” Everything. Nothing more and nothing less. I think sometimes we forget that if we are believers in Christ, we have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of us. The Spirit enables us to live the abundant life in Christ. 

The truth is: we will never be enough. We are human, we live in a fallen world and it’s a constant battle against the flesh. John 15: 5 says (NIV) says: “I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me, you can do nothing.” When we strive to fit into a completely unrealistic mold of being enough, we are not fully depending on the Lord. Instead, we’re relying on our own strength, our own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6) and our selves. And we fail every.single.time. 

So how do we get out of the “enough trap”? 

1. Recognize that we are human and without Jesus, we are nothing. ( see John 15:5)

2. Look at your measuring stick. What are you using to measure “being enough?” We all know that most of what people post on social media are just the highlight reels and not real life. Check your social media feeds- who you’re following, what posts you read, etc. If it’s leading you into the enough trap, turn around. Unfollow them, hide the posts, whatever you need to do. Comparison is the thief of joy.

3. Have an attitude of gratitude.   The antidote to comparison is gratitude. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 tells us to “give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” It says in all things and not for all things. It’s hard to be thankful in the middle of trials and hard stuff, but that’s what we’re commanded to do.

4. Ask God to change your heart. This is something that only God can do and it really is the key to getting out of the enough trap. I know I struggle with really being honest with God because part of me is like “He knows my heart, He knows it all anyway.” This is true but God desires for us to be in relationship with Him and an important part of any relationship is communication. 

   There’s a worship song that I first heard in college and it’s still one of my favorites. It’s called “Enough” by Chris Tomlin. 

Here’s the first verse: 

All of You is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need, You satisfy me with Your love. And all I have in You is more than enough.

So let’s remember that in Him, we have all that we need. He is enough. 

Lessons in Friendship

I’m a relationship person. I guess it’s the Ennegram 2 in me- but I love building relationships and connecting with people. I have a lot of a people that I would consider to be friends but honestly, I have a very small tight circle of people that I consider to be close friends. These are “my people”- the ones that get me, the ones that I can go to for prayer and the ones that aren’t afraid to speak the truth in love. We all need those people in our lives. 

One of my favorite Bible stories as a child (and still is today!) was the story of the friends that brought their friend to Jesus by lowering him through the roof. I’m not really sure why it stuck with me, maybe because it seemed so strange that the men were climbing on the roof. This story paints an excellent picture of true friendship. 

Mark 2: 1-5: “A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. They gathered in such large numbers that there was no room left, not even outside the door and he preached the word to them. Some men came and brought to him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”  (NIV)

There’s a lot that we don’t know regarding the backstory of the man and what led his friends to do what they did. How long had the man been paralyzed? What was going through the friends’ minds as they thought about how they could get their friend to Jesus? 

Here are some things that we do know: 

The friends saw that their friend was in need. His condition was not hidden to them. They saw a need and wanted to help their friend. 

They knew who to go to help their friend. It’s obvious that the friends had heard about Jesus and knew what He could do for their friend. It’s also pretty likely that they had witnessed Jesus minister to others and heard him teach. There’s nothing worse when you have a friend in need and you have absolutely no idea how to help them or even where to begin. 

They were willing to take a risk to help their friend. Jesus was teaching in a building or home that did not belong to him or the friends. I can only imagine what the friends were thinking as they tore the roof off of a building that did not belong to them. I’m sure the owner of the building was wondering what in the world was happening. Sometimes, we have to step out of our comfort zones to help our friends. I’m in no way saying that you should put yourself in danger- be smart and safe. However, there are times that it is risky to help our friends. What if we offend them? What if they don’t want to listen to what we have to say? We can’t worry about that. If God is calling us to help our friend, then we have to put fear and emotions aside and trust Him with the outcome. 

They were willing to get their hands dirty. Let’s face it- life is messy. Friendships are messy. Sometimes, we have to get a little dirt on our hands when it comes to our relationships. It’s real life. The homes back in that day were different than what we’re used to and the roof was made of mud bricks- hardened clay. I can picture in my head the friends using their hands to pry open the roof to bring their friend to Jesus. The dirt breaking apart, their hands and nails covered with dirt and grime. 

I’ve had situations where I’ve been like the friends. Friends that have faced hardships and challenges where they truly need a friend to step in and fight with them. I’ve also been like the paralyzed man- I needed the help of my friends. Not that my friends could do anything to physically help change the situation, but I needed friends that would walk with me through the pain and difficult circumstances. The friends that prayed for me when I didn’t know what to pray or truly did not have the emotional energy to open my mouth to pray. 

My husband and I are in the adoption process for the second time and this journey has been a rough one. A few months ago, we were victims of an adoption scam. Thankfully, we were able to recognize what was really going on early in the process but that did not change the heartbreak we were experiencing. I can remember going to church right after we found out everything. At the time, we had only told a few people about the potential match but were unsure of what to tell people now. I was in our ladies class that morning and I tried to act like everything was fine. I couldn’t hold it together any longer and shared what had happened. At the invitation time during the service, a dear friend walked all the way across the church, grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the altar. She began to pray for me but also prayed over me. I’ve been prayed for before but something about this was different. I later described to my husband that it was like my head had a lid on it and her words were going in straight to my heart. Her words were sinking deep into my broken heart and it was like balm for a wound. I don’t remember all that she prayed but I just know it was something very different. She was willing to bring me to the feet of Jesus when I was too weak to bring myself. She “tore off the roof” and carried me to Jesus. That is radical friendship. May we be like those friends and not be afraid to meet the needs of our friends. 

A letter to the graduate...20 years later

It’s that time of year- graduations! My little one just graduated from preschool and seriously, time does fly. It seems like yesterday, I was rocking him to sleep and now he’s about to be in “big boy school.” My 20th high school reunion is this year- now I feel really old. As I was thinking back to the Class of 1999, I thought about how scary graduation was for me. Yes, it was an exciting time, but I was terrified of the future. Probably because I had no idea what it would look like (I’m a planner and love the predictable.) So I thought I would write a letter to my 18 year old self.

Dear Ashley,

Well, you made it to graduation. You’re terrified and excited all at once. That’s okay. You’ll survive the first week of college, even if you were in tears most of the time. You’ll make that frantic phone call to your mom saying “I don’t look like I should be in college. I don’t feel like I should be in college. Why am I here??” You’ll go to free lunch at the BCM that first week and burst into tears when two girls ask you how you’re doing. Those 2 girls- they’ll become some of your closest friends in college and you’ll make so many memories. The first semester will be ROUGH- full of change, loss and trying to find your way. You threaten to quit so many times but by the time you get to college Algebra- you make an A and secretly thank Mrs. Williams for making you take Algebra II twice. You begin to have a relationship with Jesus that is yours- it’s not riding on the coattails of anyone else’s faith. You’ll have experiences first hand with God that will forever change your life. You’ll discover your calling for social work and adoption in an unlikely place- the summer that you deemed the ‘worst summer of your life.” That list of goals that you made right before you graduated- you’ll reach every single one of them but it’s not easy or quickly. Some are years in the making. It’s worth it, I promise. You’ll fall in love with missions and see ministry as a lifestyle. You’ll meet some people that will pour into your life and you’re never the same. You’ll graduate college with honors (but you had to learn how to study!) and you’ll have no idea about where you’ll go to grad school- you’ll see God clearly reveal it and open doors. Walk through them. You’ll eventually live with in a house with 6 other girls and swear that you will never have roommates again. You’ll take a random subway trip in Boston to watch the Red Sox and yankees play. You’ll laugh and cry and laugh some more. But here’s the thing: you’ll survive. You’ll make it. You’ll figure out exactly what it is that God has for your life one step at a time. Just remember to wear really comfortable shoes on your first day of college- those cute sandals are going to kill your feet!

Love,

Ashley- 20 years down the road.

Victim or Victorious?

I’ve been loving being able to have this little space to write (although haven’t written near as much as I want to- hello summer break!). God is constantly flooding my mind with things to write about on here- I need to start carrying a notebook. I’m not really sure what brought this topic to mind, but it came so I’m going with it.

I’m a social worker and the majority of my job is spent working with people who are in some sort of crisis or have experienced one. Almost all of them have been victims in some way, shape or form- whether it be a crime, abuse, emotional situations. I’ve noticed a pattern recently with people that are in my various circles: they seem to be “stuck” in victim mode. The therapeutic term would be victim mentality or mindset- believing that once they’re a victim, they’re always a victim. They get stuck in this vicious cycle of blame, guilt and shame that repeats itself constantly.

I understand that things happen to us that cause us a lot of pain and hurt. It’s easy to become jaded and cynical- to think that the world is not a safe place and everyone is out to hurt us. As I was thinking about this, I began to look at how God looks at us and at our circumstances.

1. We are more than a product or victim of our circumstances. Yes, bad things happen. Yes, we are hurt and bitter. I guarantee you that when God looks at you, He’s not looking at you through the eyes of your circumstances. Instead, He’s looking at you through the lens of grace and love. He’s looking at you through the lens of a Father who dearly loves his children and created them for a purpose. Psalm 139: 13-14: “For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

2. Our past does not define us. We don’t have to live in the past. If we are believers, then we are made new. “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here.” 2 Corinthians 5:17. Learn the lessons from the past and move forward with the knowledge of what you’ve learned. Don’t sit and wallow in it.

3. We have freedom in Christ. Freedom! Not only freedom from sin, but freedom from guilt. We can walk in that freedom. 2 Corinthians 3:17 says “Now the Lord is the Spirit and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” As I read this verse, I was struck by something and I had to go back and read it a few more times. I’ve probably read this verse hundreds of times but didn’t see this until now. Because we have the Holy Spirit living in us , we have freedom.” IN US! This is the very same power that rose Christ from the grave sets us free. The freedom that comes from Christ alone- there aren’t enough words to describe how that freedom changes our everything.

   Because of this freedom, because of what Christ did for us on the cross- we no longer have to be victims. We can be victorious.

All that they need

For as long as I could remember, all I wanted to be was a wife and a mom. I had other dreams too but these two topped the list. The paths to both of these dreams were not easy.

I didn’t get married until I was 31. By that time, I had decided I was going to get married when I was 80 or become a Baptist nun. Becoming a mom was not an easy road either. Infertility stamped itself in my story very early in our marriage. We began the adoption process in January 2014 and our son arrived in May 2014- 2 days before my birthday! I can remember when we arrived at my parents’ house from the hospital- I looked at my mom and said “They let us leave the hospital with a baby. What in the world are we doing?” I spent the first year of motherhood questioning what in the world I was doing (and not realizing at the time that I was struggling with post adoption depression- there is a such thing!)

I clearly remember my first Mother’s day. M was weeks away from turning 1 and we had survived the first year. We were at the beach with my parents and I was laying in the bed, crying because I was so grateful for this little boy but feeling so overwhelmed with the responsibility of shaping him for the next 18 years. I’m not sure exactly what I prayed but I felt the Lord whisper to my heart, “Just point him to Jesus.” Simple but powerful words. That’s our jobs as moms.

I’m sure that I’m not alone in feeling overwhelmed at the task of motherhood. Today’s society doesn’t help things either- so many things are put in front of us as the “right way” to do this parenthood thing. Read this book, buy this gadget, try this method. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve bought into it a few times. It allows for comparison to sneak in, which is the ultimate thief of joy and gratitude. I have some friends who are amazing birthday party planners for their children- just the thought of it makes me anxious. For me, the simpler the better. I have other friends who always seem to be having these fun adventures with their children. For us, an adventure is a fishing trip or a walk in the yard going on an adventure. None of these things are wrong- it’s different for everyone.

There are days when I don’t feel like I’m enough as a mom. I feel guilty because I work all day and then when I get home, there’s more stuff to be done. I feel like I don’t spend enough time teaching him things- even though he’s learning tons in preschool. There’s always the urge to do more with our kids, to be more. The reality is that God has given us all that we need to parent the children that He gave us. He is enough for us. His grace is sufficient for us in our weakness- which includes temper tantrums, potty training, diaper explosions and sleepless nights. (2 Corinthians 12:9) All of it. As moms, we are what they need. Let’s not forget that.

The faith of a child

I’ve always heard that children are the best teachers- especially when it comes to God and faith. I’m learning this more and more lately. My little guy is almost five and he never ceases to amaze me with his curiosity and questions.

Our family is in the adoption process and we pray often for God to bring “baby sister” home and we even pray for her by name. M has been talking about baby sister a lot lately and about all the things he’s going to do with her and keep her safe from (“baby sister may choke on my toys.” I need to keep baby sister from this..” The other day in the car, he said “God is going to bring baby sister home.” For just a moment, I had a crisis of belief and I thought in my head, “Well maybe. We hope so.” Then I realized later that was simply a lie from the enemy. God is faithful, He does keep His promises and He hears us.

Lately, I’ve been reminded of Abraham and his faith. God had told him to sacrifice his son Isaac on the mountain. “ Early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance.  He said to his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.” Genesis 22:3-5 NIV (emphasis mine). Abraham may not have understood how it would all unfold but he knew that God would provide and keep His promises.

That reminder of God’s faithfulness from my little boy could not have come at a better time. It had been a rough week- my FB had been filled with posts about National Infertility Awareness week (I get the point of the week, but part of me was like “I don’t need to be aware of this- I’m aware every day.” ), it seemed like everywhere I turned, I was hearing pregnancy announcements, ( I’m happy for them but it still stings at times) and I was just having a really hard time with the waiting of adoption.

Every adoption process is different and this one is certainly different from our first adoption. Paperwork delays, a crazy adoption fraud scam (it could have been a Lifetime movie), a potential situation that the door quickly closed on, being a waiting family with attorneys and no movement. Our first adoption moved rather quickly- about six months from announcing our adoption to a phone call that made us parents in about 12 hours. We announced our adoption plans to our family and friends about this time last year. I honestly thought we’d be a little further along on the journey than where we are right now. At times, I feel like it’s never going to happen but then God gives me reminders that He is faithful.

So wherever you are in the waiting (because let’s be honest, we’re all waiting for something!) trust that God is faithful.

Hope

Almost 8 years ago, I got a tattoo. I was turning 30, still single and for the first time in that season, really enjoying and living in it. I wanted something to mark that milestone but also to remind me of God’s faithfulness in my life. I chose the word “hope". The design was simple but to me it signified the thread of hope that God had woven throughout my life.

Recently, I came across a scripture about hope and it really got my wheels turning. Romans 4 talks a lot about Abraham and his faith as he waited God’s promises to be fulfilled. I came across a passage that I had probably read a hundred times before but this time, it stirred something deep inside me.

“Against ALL (emphasis mine) hope, Abraham , in hope, believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “Your offspring be.” Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead since he was about 100 years old and Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet, he did not waiver through unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what He promised.” Romans 4:18-21 (NIV)

Abraham had both faith and hope. The definition of faith is complete trust in God. The definition of hope is to desire something with confident expectation of it’s fulfillment. The first part of the verse says that “against all hope, Abraham in hope believed.” Against all hope might as well be translated to against human odds and standards. Many times, our circumstances feel hopeless. No way out, no solution. Abraham believed with hope that God would fulfill the promise.

Abraham never weakened in his faith or waiver through unbelief. He had a choice- trust God or not. Trusting in God actually strengthened his faith. One thing that stood out to me in this passage was that it described Abraham “as good as dead” and Sarah’s womb as dead. “Good as dead” means that something might as well be dead, it’s old or doesn’t work anymore- but there was still a slim chance it could. What struck me was that Sarah’s womb was described as dead. No chance of carrying life. Talk about truly trusting that God could bring life from something that was dead.

While studying this passage, something else struck me. Faith (trust in God) leads to hope (confidence that God will keep His promises). You can’t have hope if you don’t have faith. It made sense to me now why in 1 Corinthians 13 the “love chapter” that says these three remain, faith is listed first. Faith is the foundation for trust, the foundation for hope. Faith and hope go hand in hand.

There are so many situations where all hope seems lost. I heard a quote from someone who went through hospice care with her family members: “As long as there is breath, there is hope.” As believers, the Holy Spirit is inside of us- the air we breathe. Hope is in us. Hebrews 6:19 says that "…we have this hope as anchor.” This anchor of hope is a promise of God’s faithfulness. As the hymn “My Hope is Built on Nothing Less” says, “My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness. “

Legacy

For as long as i can remember, I’ve always loved to help people. I knew I wanted to be a social worker when I entered high school. I can also remember telling my guidance counselor that I wanted a career that involved the least amount of math and science (God laughed- I ended up having to take science major biology and human anatomy- but I survived!) There were a few times in college that I thought about changing my major, but there was nothing else that I could see myself doing. Being in a helping profession is certainly a calling and takes a lot of faith for God to provide- you certainly don’t choose it for the money.

I had my life planned out for when I graduated college. I was not one of those “ring by spring” girls- although I sure thought I would be. I was very involved in the BCM (Baptist Collegiate Ministries). It played such a huge role in my life and shaping my faith while I was in college. It helped prepare me for ministry today. I made some life long friends and have so many wonderful memories. I thought for sure that I would meet my husband in college at the BCM- nope. Now don’t get me wrong, I made some great guy friends there. I used to think if only I could take qualities from different ones and put them all together in one guy, I’d be set. :)

I had many “Ebenezer” or remembrance moments while in BCM. One stands out in particular. It was the last worship service of my spring senior semester. Our BCM president, Joe, preached the sermon that night. He was talking about priorities. He said that something that I can still hear in my head to this day. “God should not be a priority but the page that we write our priorities on.” As the band played, those words rolled around in my head. I heard the Lord speak to my heart (not audibly but one of the few times that it was so clear He was speaking to me.) “Fifty years from now, it’s not going to matter who you marry or how many letters you have behind your name. All that matters is how you lived your life for me.” Tears flowed as I realized that it’s not always easy to give God the pen much less the paper to write the story. It didn’t matter that I wouldn’t get married until nearly 10 years later or that I had a master’s degree and letters behind my name. What would matter is how I lived my life for the Lord in between those things happening and in the days to come.

Story behind the Verse

When thinking about this blog-my vision, heart behind it- I wanted a verse that would capture it all. I came back to a verse that I have clung to (sometimes for dear life!) since I was a freshman in college in 1999. Psalm 118:17: “I will not die, but live and tell of what the Lord has done.”

Tragedy brought me to this verse, but I’m thankful for the journey that it took me on (and continues to do) - even though it took a VERY long time to get to the thankfulness part. Here’s the condensed version(because it’s really long and it includes a lot of things that are extremely personal but if you know me in real life, you’ve probably heard the story.)

During my first semester of college, I lost someone who was a very important part of my life in a freak work accident. Life as I planned changed forever with one phone call and all I was left with were the pieces of my shattered dreams. I don’t really remember much of the days and weeks afterwards, except that they were painful, raw and hard. This was my first real experience with grief. The grief and pain were intense- I could best describe as feeling like the air had been sucked out of the room. I hurt in a such way that I didn’t think was possible . Well meaning (but poor choice and bad timing) words by people meant to comfort me instead made me angry. I was hurting and I wanted everyone around me to feel half as bad as I did- just so they would know. Anger and bitterness came in and began to take up permanent residence in my heart. Then one day, it was like the fog had lifted and I had a moment of clarity. I could choose to be bitter about this or I could allow God to make be better from it.

One Wednesday night that semester, I had gone to a college Bible study at a local church. I don’t even remember what the lesson was on but that was the night that I read Psalm 118:17 for the very first time. It was balm to my broken heart. For the first time in months, I had hope. Hope that I was not going to live in grief forever and that even though the grief and pain were almost unbearable at times, the Lord was with me and He was going to redeem this somehow.

That verse became my anthem as I moved forward in life. It is still my anthem today, nearly 20 years later. It has carried me through some of my darkest times. “ I will not die but live and tell of what the Lord has done” was tattooed on my heart. There were times when I questioned what God was doing, where the good was in all this (Romans 8:28) and how He would redeem this.

It took a really long time to come to a place of acceptance but I learned that God is so much bigger than my shattered dreams. He met me in my brokenness and ashes but refused to leave me there. Music always speaks to me and I tend to think “musically”- I can always relate to songs. “Heal the Wound” by Point of Grace reminds me of God’s faithfulness to me during this time (and even now). One particular line stands out to me:

“But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem, heal the wound but leave the scar.”

I’m so thankful that God does not waste one single thing that happens in our lives. ONE SINGLE THING. The good, the bad and the really ugly- nothing is wasted. He will use our circumstances to refine us, to shape us, to mold us to look more like Him. We just have to let him.

Of Grace and Beads

I’ve learned that marriage and parenting are holy sandpaper- they reveal the good and the bad parts of our hearts, sand away the rough edges and bad spots, and shape us to be more like Christ. Recently, I had one of these “holy sandpaper” moments.

A few years ago, my husband and son gave me a beautiful bracelet for Christmas. It was handmade from Nepal and was a perfect combination of wood and beads. It’s my favorite bracelet because it came from World Vision and it was the first present that I got as a mommy. My little boy knows that it’s my favorite and he calls it my “special bracelet.”

A few weeks ago, I was in the back of the house and M was watching television. A few minutes later, he comes running to the door, crying hard. All I could make out was “your special bracelet..I broke it.” I went into the kitchen, expecting to find a huge mess of tiny beads. Instead, I saw a small pile of beads and one heartbroken little boy. His first words were “Are you mad at me?” In that moment, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t be mad. His little face and broken heart said enough for me. I scooped him up, held him close and told him that it was an accident. He tried to explain to me what happened. I then realized that I had left the bracelet on the counter. I told him that it was an accident and Mommy made a mistake for leaving it on the counter. He knew right where it went in my jewelry cabinet and he took it to the cabinet. I told him repeatedly that he was more important to me than a piece of jewelry. We then made a game of cleaning up the beads.

Immediately when I got eye level with him, I had a mental picture of grace and how much the Father loves His children. I could almost hear God whisper to my heart “See, this how much I love you- arms open wide.” When I could have been angry, my first response was to comfort him. How many times have I given my heavenly Father reasons to be mad at me, furious even? He doesn’t yell or point out my mistakes. Instead, He holds me close, wipes my tears and then tells me how much He loves me. I’m not saying that He overlooks sin, but He doesn’t heap coals of condemnation. Instead, He gives grace- not getting what we deserve. He sent Jesus to pay the price of our sin. “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works so that no one can boast.” Ephesians 2:5 (NIV)

After we had cleaned everything up, M wanted me to cut off the broken string on the bracelet. I couldn’t do it. Now every time I wear my special bracelet, I have a tangible reminder of God’s grace and love towards me.

On Being Obedient

Nearly 10 years ago, I began blogging as a way of documenting the lessons that God was teaching me in the season of singleness. I love to look back at it and see how God answered all those prayers in ways that only He could and the lessons that I learned. I took a blogging break after meeting and marrying my wonderful husband. I picked up blogging again as we journeyed through infertility, adoption and becoming parents- we became parents with 12 hours notice! When our son was about 4 months old, my husband and I went through a really long and difficult season that lasted about 3 years- one that we’re finally out of and into a new one. I stopped blogging and writing- partly because I had a case of “mommy brain” and that my true feelings and emotions were so raw that it was best not to display them on the world wide web.

I waited a really long time to be a wife and a mom- a road that wasn’t easy but one that I wouldn’t trade for the world. Somewhere along the way, I “lost” my sense of self- my days were spent loving and meeting the needs of my people and with my job- the needs of others. I’ve heard that this is common with moms. I needed something that was for me, but also brought me joy. I read somewhere that if you’ve forgotten your passions, you should reflect on the things of your childhood and what brought you joy, what interested in you, etc. As I look back, for me those things were writing and books. I devoured books constantly but thanks to college and graduate school, I didn’t care if I ever read another book. I would fill notebooks with stories. I have journaled off and on throughout the years and I still love a pretty journal or notebook (just ask my husband! Target does not help this addiction at all!) I also love to speak to groups. Through my job as an adoption social worker, I spoke to churches and various groups about foster care, adoption, orphan care and how they can be involved. Looking back, I see how God was using all of those things to move me into this next season.

About a two yeas ago, the Lord began to nudge me (well, more like a gentle shove!) about telling my story. Really telling it- the good, the bad and the ugly. I didn't do anything with it at first- I came up with every excuse in the book. "No one wants to hear it, I don't have anything to say, I'm not sure how to do it." It wouldn't go away. In fact, it got stronger. I took some baby steps towards that calling but didn’t really pursue it fully. Finally, I took the plunge and here I am. Here’s what I’ve learned: delayed obedience is still disobedience. God has given me a voice, a story to tell. One that points to Him, that points others to Him. So here's the first step in being obedient- telling my story. I don't have a set format for this site/blog and I’m learning as I go- but I do know this: it will tell the story that God is writing day by day and encourage others to do the same. So here’s to new seasons and being obedient.